Dementia
by Keden Lust- former porcelain d
Summary: A/U! Hitomi is sent to an insane asylum and meets an albino named Scratch and a girl called Lena. Who or what is Gaea? What do their strange dreams mean? And will they be able to find out in time to save each other from the demons in their past?
1. Part 1

So I ran faster  
  
but it caught me here  
  
yes my loyalties turned  
  
like my ankle  
  
in the seventh grade  
  
running after BILLY  
  
Running after the rain  
  
-Tori Amos  
  
Hitomi wanted to die. She shut her eyes tightly and prayed that she would. She couldn't believe that this was happening to her. Why?! What had she ever done wrong, huh? //Absolutely nothing, that's what!// she thought. She was lying, strapped to a metal emergency cot, her arms and legs strapped down tightly. The paramedic sitting close to her was filling out some kind of a form. He kept asking her all these stupid, unrelated questions like how old she was, how much she weighed, is her period regular? //For fuck sake, he's taking me to the Looney bin and he's asking me if my period is regular?! What does he think this is, PMS?!?!// she thought bitterly.  
  
The paramedic turned his back to put away the piles of papers that he had been writing on. In that short time, Hitomi flung herself against the bonds that held her firmly to the bed. Nothing happened, except for that she hurt her wrists.  
  
Hitomi slumped, exhausted. There was no point in trying to get away anymore. She had been straining against these straps for the past fifteen minutes, and to no avail. She blinked, trying to get rid of the tears that were threatening to overcome her. //This isn't right! I am sixteen years old, the star of the track team, a grade A student, have an amazing boyfriend, and I am going to the Betty! It isn't FAIR!!// Hitomi gave up trying to suppress her tears. She sobbed. All she wanted to do was to go home and sleep for a few dozen years. She wished with all of her might that she hadn't gone back inside that school to get her things. If she had known that they would chase her. And those little sluts! Those betraying bitches that she had called friends ruined her life! Her hands twitched, the itch to slap their fake horrified looks off of their insincere faces was overwhelming. Her fingers scratched at the cot, ready to stab their eyes out.  
  
//Oh God, I AM crazy!// she thought, ashamed of how much she wanted to realize that daydream. Hitomi was so upset with herself that she didn't even realize that the ambulance had come to a stop. The paramedic who had been driving came around and opened up the back of the ambulance and together the two lifted the stretcher out and into the daylight. She squinted, her eyes slowly adjusting to the light, while the paramedic explained that he couldn't take the straps off of her until they were inside the building. Procedure, he said it was.  
  
Hitomi looked in amazement at her surroundings. It was nothing like what she had expected. In movies and stuff, asylums were made out to be made of cement and steel. This was a large grey building made out of old fashioned looking stones, and there were little statues around the outside. Then there were gardens full of gorgeous flowers and huge oak and maple trees. The only thing that ruined the pretty and extremely welcome sight was the fence, which was twenty feet tall and topped with barbed wire. The paramedic saw Hitomi looking up at it as they passed through the gate and said in a friendly voice, "No matter how pretty it is, they mean business. Keep your wits about you girl."  
  
As Hitomi reached the doors of the building, he saw that they were covered with intricate carvings. She examined the windows just before she was pushed inside. Barred, just as she had suspected. Suddenly Hitomi was terrified.  
  
The light was blinding. Everything was white. EVERYTHING! It hurt her eyes to look at. She forced herself to see, as if looking at the place would make it cough up its secrets. //It just looks like a normal hospital. Not like that's a good thing though. I fuckin' HATE hospitals. And now I am supposed to be livin' in one?!//  
  
Two nurses approached and help the paramedics unfasten her restraints. The paramedics left, the nice one winking at her before she left. The nurses, both fairly normal in appearance, were wearing white overcoats over regular jeans and slacks. They smiled warmly.  
  
"Welcome to the Albrecht Durer Asylum!" said the younger one energetically. 

The older, wiser looking one said, "Hitomi, I must ask you a favour. I need you to take some sedatives." Hitomi's eyes widened. She shook her head violently. The nurse looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "Please, Miss. The doctors will be easier going in their assessment of you if you do! It will relax you as well. You look so tense!" She continued on like this for some minutes, but even before she was done Hitomi knew that she would accept the drugs.  
  
The woman handed her a mysterious pill and a little glass of water. Hitomi put the pill on her tongue and shut her eyes tight as she swallowed. The nurse took the glass away from her. She set it down, and they gently took her, on either side, by the arm and led her down a hall towards a big black door. Hitomi's legs felt weak, and she walked with difficulty. There was something wrong here, very wrong! It felt like this was the most dangerous place that she could be, and it felt so right at the same time. Her stomach was jumping around inside of her when they opened the big black door. Hitomi blinked, trying to clear her fuzzy thoughts. She looked inside the door and saw a small, neatly organized office.  
  
The paperwork was a blur, and a boring blur at that. Hitomi's vision was quit fuzzy, and to see anything clearly, she had to concentrate REALLY hard. Finally Hitomi gave up trying to read what they were writing about her. Instead she just let her gaze wander to the pictures on the walls, at the various notes and drawings on the door. Suddenly Hitomi realized that someone was watching her. It was a girl. She stood, just outside, peering in through the window in the door. She was staring at Hitomi. Hitomi was so drugged that she didn't really care that this girl sent chills down her spine. She was the same age as Hitomi, by the looks of it, and her hair was cropped short. //It's almost hard to tell that she's a girl!// Hitomi thought.  
  
The nurse working on the paperwork looked up and saw the girl. She glared at the girl sternly in a look that plainly said, "You are out of place and you know it!". The girl took the hint and disappeared from the window. 

Hot and cold flashes came in waves for Hitomi, and it seemed like the air was solid. The walls wavered and began to close in on her. She tried to breath in to calm herself, a and found that she couldn't! Hitomi started to panic. She tried again with the same result. She clawed at her throat and gasped, trying desperately to get oxygen into her burning lungs. The nurse started up, just in time to catch Hitomi as she pitched foreword off of the chair. Then, it was blackness for Hitomi.  
  
The head nurse looked at the girl in her arms and said, "Get Dune and tell him to hurry!" With that, the assistant ran off and left the other alone, trying to revive the limp body of Hitomi.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

  
Moon hangs around  
  
A blade over my head  
  
Reminds me what to do before I'm dead  
  
Night consumes light  
  
And all I dread  
  
Reminds me what to do before I'm dead 

-Kidney Thieves  
  
The black wasn't just nothing...it was *something*. It was like a place, where it was night and there were no stars in the sky. Hitomi knew this, because she was standing, and to stand, there had to be something to stand on. Her feet on firm ground were a relieving feeling. It was comforting. As Hitomi relaxed, she could hear her deep and steady breathing echoing out into the dark. All of the tension was releasing its firm grasp on her body when out of nowhere, something happened that made Hitomi scream in terror.  
  
All around her was a deafening thunder, and the ground shook. At the same time, there appeared one of the most terrible and heart wrenching scenes Hitomi had ever seen. She was standing in a battle field. All signs of life were gone from the prostate bodies everywhere. Blood covered their armour and fire lapped at their bodies. What had been contentment had changed suddenly to grief. She screamed again as she looked down at her feet; there was a boy, about sixteen years old, lying dead, and his eyes and been ripped out of their sockets. Hitomi fell to her knees and was violently sick.

When she thought she had finished, she moved to wipe her mouth. She was startled to see a hand wipe her mouth for her with a strip of red fabric. She looked up at the hand that was offered to her. There stood a boy, younger than herself, reaching out to help her up. She couldn't see the details of him, for the light of the fires cast a shadow over his face. He was skinny and wore beige pants and a red shirt. All around him were beautiful white feathers falling softly to the ground. She moved to accept his hand, when she recoiled at the figure behind him. There was another boy, his chest heaving, and sweat covering his brow. His face was one of hatred and bloodlust. He lifted his sword, and said, "NOW YOU DIE!!!!!" The boy turned, only to be cut down. She screamed and screamed and screamed until it went away.  
  
Something had changed when she opened her eyes again. Instead of a battle field, it was just plain red everywhere. It was thick, like tomato soup, and just as hard to breathe in. She felt sweaty sheets around her body, and a soft mattress beneath her, but she could see neither. She felt trapped, and even worse, she felt like she was being watched. //What is *wrong* with me?!// thought Hitomi desperately. Panic rose inside of her. She tried to move, and fell with a thud to a hard surface, and then scrambled, trying with all of her might to untangle herself and get out of this red hell. Finally she screamed as the rage and desperation and fear rose so much inside her that it was unbearable. Then, there was a voice, a masculine, haughty voice that interrupted both the red that surrounded her and her scream.  
  
"Just what are you doing, you stupid girl?!" asked the voice. At the knowledge that she was not alone here in the red place, the panic ebbed a little and was replaced by curiosity. Finally she asked, "Who *are* you?" 

"You can call me Scratch," said the voice, as if it was doing her some great favour. "But who are *you*? And *what* are you doing in Lena's room?" he asked accusingly.

Confusion tore at Hitomi. "What room? Lena who? Is 'Lena' another voice?" excitement had creeped into her voice. She didn't want to be alone in this place with this voice. It was a mean voice.  
  
"You really are psycho aren't you?" it said with an odd tome in the voice. Then the voice, the red and the ground beneath her slipped away into a cold, dreamless black sleep.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

  
No one can blame you 

For walking away 

With too much protection 

Role of rejection 

Life can be easy 

But it's not always swell 

Don't tell me truth hurts little girl 

Cuz it hurts like hell 

-David Bowie  
  
When Hitomi awoke, the first thing that she was a pair of vibrant blue orbs looking right back at her. Hitomi started, surprised. Her body was tense, ready for fight or flight. She looked again as the owner of the eyes backed away. Hitomi felt her body relax as the potential threat moved away. She breathed an involuntary sigh of relief.  
  
The girl was now sitting cross legged on the bed opposite Hitomi's. It was the same girl that had been watching her in the office. She was incredibly thin, and her fingers and face were bony. Her wavy blond hair was cropped short. Her skin was pale and creamy looking. She was made even paler looking by all of the black that she was wearing. Black surrounded her eyes and covered her lips. Around her neck she wore a collar that had the word "DEATH" on it in little metal studs. All in all she was more than a little intimidating to a girl who had been in a sheltered private school for the past three years.  
  
Hitomi stopped thinking about the girl sitting looking at her, and turned her thoughts to her whereabouts. She looked around the room. It was normal, if a little plain on one side. The other side, which obviously belonged to the girl, was covered with posters and art. The rest of the room though, was a sickeningly normal light blue. There was a bed side table beside her and a little white lamp. There was a window on the blue side, and on it were thin metal bars. That snapped her memory into place. She was in an asylum!  
  
The recent events flooded Hitomi's memory. Anger and frustration swelled in her. She groaned, and then screamed. //It's not *fair*! // she thought. The other girl blinked and then laughed. Then she rolled her eyes at Hitomi.  
  
"What?! What are you laughing at?" Hitomi asked indignantly. "Do you have a *problem*?" The girl merely shook her head and smiled, obviously amused. Hitomi flung the covers off of her, annoyed, and then stood up. She grimaced as she caught sight of herself in the mirror, and felt like she would die. It was so typical of her luck.  
  
"Oh shit mother fucking son of a ping pong pussy cunt scab fuck sit HELL!!" Hitomi fumed. The other girl looked at her and raised her eyebrows. "Why in hell do I always end up in the stupid uniform?! They've gotten me, even in here!" Hitomi stopped ranting, and made herself count to ten. Before she was on seven, the girl spoke for the first time since Hitomi had seen her.  
  
"That *is* an ugly uniform. Honestly, who mixes deep red and bright green in a kilt? Do you want to borrow some clothes?" asked Lena. 

Hitomi looked at her dubiously. "You are a stick! I wouldn't be able to fit in anything of yours." She said flatly. 

The girl moved over to the closet and began to root around, until she seemed to find what she wanted. Triumphantly, she pulled out a pair of stretchy black tights, and a large black sweatshirt. She tossed them to Hitomi. "Here. This will fit, no matter how big you are. But you're gonna look more than a little eighties." Hitomi took them gratefully.  
  
While Hitomi changed into these new clothes, she thought about the girl. She didn't *seem* to be crazy. Their first conversation was so normal it was almost eerie. Her thoughts were interrupted by the girl. 

"What's your name?" she asked. 

"Hitomi Kanzaki. You?" 

"People call me Lena. I assume that you're my new roomie. I wanna get a few things straight, okay? First of all, absolutely NO underwear on the floor, got it? You would not believe some of my previous roommates that I've had. They were such slobs! And another thing...no frilly shit will ever make its way over to my side of the room. Ever." Lena kept up this tirade for several minutes, until she was interrupted by a knock at the door.  
  
"Pass word?" she called out, her voice portraying her anger at being interrupted. 

Then a *very* familiar voice called back, "Cut out the bullshit Lena!" She smiled widely and moved over to the door and began to unlock it. Hitomi felt dazed. It had been the voice, the one from the red hell. How did Lena hear it? She watched with anticipation as a regular human boy stepped through the door. Well, not exactly regular.  
  
He was one of the strangest looking guys she had ever seen. His skin was white, and his hair was silver. He had large, glittering red eyes as well. //Isn't there a name for this...that's right! He's an albino.// He looked about nineteen, and was probably six foot something. His hair was the same length as Lena's and he wore all black. The only thing different in their appearance was the fact that he didn't wear black lipstick. He scared her more than Lena did. Around his wrists and neck he wore leather collars with large metal spikes. Underneath his lip was a black metal spike. He practically oozed anger. All in all he was gorgeous. 

He smirked at Hitomi. "Cat gotcha tongue?" he asked, teasing her. 

She looked down, her cheeks burning. 

He turned to Lena. "So this is the Newbie Psycho huh? Do you have a name?" 

Hitomi nodded, but she couldn't make her mouth work. 

"Lena, does it talk?" he asked. 

Anger made Hitomi recover her tongue. "Yes I do. My name is Hitomi Kanzaki." She said annoyed. 

He smiled. "I'm Scratch. But we already met, didn't we?" his voice was both cutting and amused. Hitomi blushed even more, and tried to stare him down. After a second or two, she gave up and stared down again. He saw this and chuckled. "Don't worry, I don't bite. Well, not usually. Besides, If Lena hasn't killed you yet, you *may* turn out to be worthy of hanging out with me. So unless you always find linoleum this fascinating, stop looking at it." 

Lena punched him in the arm. "Scratch, you are *so* arrogant!" 

"And your point is?" 

"That *is* my point!" Lena shrieked, annoyed.

"Oh, go take a Valium."  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

  
Finally recover and the mood is right  
  
looking up into a neon sky  
  
child in me takes over, guess it's been too long  
  
since the last time that i tried to fly 

-Dry Cell  
  
The dinner bell had interrupted Lena and Scratch's "little" argument. They led Hitomi down the hall to the elevators. Once inside, they pressed the button for the ground floor. They went into the cafeteria, and found the table where Scratch and Lena usually sat. They sat Hitomi down on the bench. "Watch our seats, okay? We're gonna go root through the shit that they call food. There might actually be something decent there. Do you want us to pick you up anything?" 

Hitomi nodded. "Anything." She said genially.  
  
She smiled as she watched them walk away. It felt like she had made friends out of them. It was a relief to not feel like she was alone in this. After reflecting on this for a while, she turned her attention to the cafeteria. It was a large room, with about twenty black tables that could seat about twelve people each. The cafeteria was pretty, if you were color blind. Lights and fans dangled form the ceiling, and the walls were covered in light pink and yellow paint. Maybe they used those colors to try and cheer people up. It was crowded full of people, mostly between the preteen and late teen years. Hitomi searched every face for a sign of some sort, some clue that might tell her why they were here.   
  
A girl who was standing by the door waved in Hitomi's general direction. Hitomi thought that she must be waving at someone else, until the girl caught her eye and smiled. Then the girl began to walk across the cafeteria towards her. The girl was tall and she looked like she was strong, and had long light brown hair that was swept back in a ponytail. She wore comfortable, soft looking clothes, and a pair of doc martens. Her face was kind, and soft. She stood in front of Hitomi for a second, smiling at her, and then sat down beside her. When she spoke, her voice was full of offers of warmth and companionship. 

"Hi! You're new here, so I just wanted to come over and say hi and introduce myself. My name is Tamara. You are?" she asked, her voice coaxing. 

"Hitomi Kanzaki." She smiled. 

"Cool! So Hitomi, what types of stuff are you into? Like, what types of music and TV shows?" she asked. She actually looked interested too. 

"Well, I like heavy metal and rock, but most of all, I really like anime soundtracks. I *love* anime." Hitomi was cut off by Tamara. 

"Oh my God! Me too! I am a total anime freak. This is so cool! What is your favourite series?" she asked. Her face became animated and she grinned from ear to ear. 

"Um, well, I really like Kenshin, Gundam Wing, and Ranma ½. What about you?" Hitomi was getting into the conversation. 

"Kenshin all the way! I've never seen Gundam Wing, but I *love* Ranma ½. But I'd have to say that my favourite series would be FY." 

"FY?" 

"Fushigi Yuugi, and I take that you've never seen it." Hitomi shook her head. Tamara commenced in enlightening her in the ways of the world of Fushigi Yuugi.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Meanwhile, Scratch and Lena were waiting in line for the poison of the day. Lena turned to him. "Well? What do you think of her?" she asked. 

Scratch shrugged. "She...Oh, I don't know. I haven't seen enough of her yet. She seems like a bit of a goody goody. But despite her being a complete prep, there is something about her." He looked across the room to where Hitomi was sitting. "What do *you* think of her?" he asked. 

"She's got potential. And she isn't really a goody two shoes. You should have heard her earlier! She's got a dirtier mouth that you!" 

Scratch feigned anger and hurt. "Impossible! No one can beat me! You have insulted me for the last time, slut! I demand satisfaction in the form of duel!" he exclaimed. 

Lena grinned. "Tomorrow at morning spare. Chose your weapon." 

"The usual; shaving cream at five paces." They laughed. They moved up and got their trays. Lena stood to the side as Scratch piled up their trays. She grimaced at the smell of the food. 

She watched as Tamara made a beeline towards Hitomi. "Shit. It's Genki-Girl moving in for a kill." Scratch turned and looked in the same direction. He scowled. Just bloody perfect.

Ð Ð Ð

My scream got lost in a paper cup  
  
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone  
  
I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough  
  
To get us there 

-Tori Amos  
  
Tamara saw the Twins from Hell glaring at her from across the room. They started to walk towards the table. She hastened to bring the conversation to a halt. "Anyways, I just wanted to say that if you need a friend, I will be arou-" She was cut off by Scratch, who was looking none too pleased. 

"Scram brat!" he said. 

Tamara glared at him and muttered under her breath. She moved away quickly before Scratch could backhand her. 

"Bye!" Hitomi called after her. Then she turned back to Scratch and Lena.  
  
"I am starved!" she exclaimed as she saw the three trays piled up with food. 

Scratch smiled approvingly. "Well, this isn't exactly food, but it will have to do." He handed her a tray. They were silent as Hitomi and Scratch gobbled down their salad and tortier. Then conversation started up as they slowed their pace to work on the cheesecake. 

Hitomi, feeling bolder than before, decided to take a gamble and said, "Look, I know that this is a really nosy question and it's none of my business. It's just that you guys seem to be so normal. That is, aside from your clothes and attitudes and stuff. So why-"

"Why are we here?" Scratch finished for her. She nodded. Lena looked at their plates; both Hitomi's and Scratch's were empty, and Lena's barely touched. 

"Are you done?" Lena asked Hitomi. She nodded again. 

"Then let's go back to Lena's room." said Scratch. So they left their trays on the table and left the cafeteria. The halls were dark and cool at night. Their footsteps echoed around them. When they got to the room, they opened the door quietly and went in, locking it behind them. Lena bypassed the bright overhead lamp and turned on her red lava lamp instead. It cast an eerie red glow over the room. Scratch stretched out on the floor and Lena and Hitomi sat cross-legged on either side of him. Scratch looked from Hitomi to Lena. 

"Lena, do you wanna go first?" Scratch asked, his voice hopeful. 

Lena snorted. "Absolutely not!" she muttered. Scratch grimaced, disappointed. He would have liked to just drop the whole subject; he didn't like talking about this aspect of his life. Unfortunately, in an asylum, you were bound to find out anyways and better from him than from other people who would twist it around. 

"You sure?" he asked Lena, though he already knew the answer. Lena raised an eyebrow at him in confirmation. Scratch paused and licked his lips before beginning. "Hitomi?" he said, and she looked down at him. "Do you know what the medical terms are for mental illnesses? It will be easier to explain it to you if you do." He said. Hitomi shook her head before speaking. "I know, like, one. Schizophrenia is when you have multiple personalities." Scratch waved his hand as if to dismiss that thought. "That's not right. Everybody always thinks that! But that's beside the point. My diagnonsense is called Sociopathology. I am a sociopath." He paused, taking a deep breath. "That means that I know how society works and its rules, but I don't understand how people themselves work. I don't have the basic knowledge to get along with people and I don't give a shit. 'Nor do we feel emotions like love, hate, remorse or sadness.'" He scowled at this. "That's what the books say anyways. Basically, I am a freak that doesn't feel." He said bitterly. It was silent in the room for several moments. Scratch had obviously forgotten that they were there. 

Lena nudged him. He looked up at her startled. "You done?" asked Lena. Scratch nodded. Hitomi turned to Lena next and said, "What about you?" She wasn't sure that she wanted to know anymore, though. Lena shut her eyes tightly and said, "I...I am what Scratch like to affectionately call a 'Low Level Crier, Ambitious Type A Anorexic'. I don't like that though. It means that I am mildly depressed, and that I am very anorexic. In fact, there was a point in my life that they doubted I could pull through. But I hate thinking about it. I am just me, okay?" her voice was angry. 

//This would explain why she is *so* skinny.// thought Hitomi. Hitomi could sympathize. She had had problems with anorexia just that year. She could also sympathize with the anger that accompanied it. Several sets of footsteps were heard coming down the hall. 

Scratch got up. "Guess dinner is over." He said. "I better go or else they'll end up having kittens or cows...or maybe both." He smiled at them. Lena smiled back. "Now wouldn't we all love to see that." She said sarcastically. With that, he left, shutting the door softly behind him. Lena looked at Hitomi for moment, and then turned out the Lava lamp. "You can sleep in those." She said, referring to the clothes that she had lent Hitomi earlier. "You'll be getting your own clothes soon and then these can be washed." Her voice seemed louder in the dark room. Hitomi crawled up onto the bed and then under the sheets. "Thank you," Hitomi said softly. There was no reply. Hitomi smiled and closed her eyes. Within minutes, the darkness of the night had taken her to her safe, emotionless, dreamless place.

Ð Ð Ð

You fell away, what more can I say?  
  
The feelings evolved, I won't let it out  
  
I can't replace your screaming face  
  
Feeling the sickness inside  
  
-Chester Bennington  
  
"So Lily will bring your belongings here in a few hours. Sometime in the mid-morning." said Lena, who was hurriedly getting ready for her classes. Hitomi sat on the bed watching her rush around the room in frenzy. Lena stepped into the washroom for a second, leaving the door opened. There was a bunch of noise, kind of like the rustling of clothes. 

A strange thought popped into Hitomi's mind. //I *hope* she doesn't go to the washroom with the door open!//. Suddenly, gripped by this notion, Hitomi got up and crept along the wall towards the bathroom door. She sighed in relief as she peeked in. Lena was merely putting on her deodorant and brushing her teeth. Lena spat in the sink and then rinsed out her mouth.  
  
"I have to go to French class." Lena said, with a tone of an older, smarter sister. Hitomi merely nodded. "Just...just sit tight, and *don't* leave this room, unless one of the nurses or doctors asks you to. That way you won't get into trouble or do something stupid." Lena stopped talking long enough to take one bite out of the bagel Scratch had made her take from the cafeteria. Chewing and swallowing rapidly, she tossed the rest of the uneaten bagel on the bed where Hitomi sat and left, slamming the door behind her.  
  
Hitomi looked at the bagel and picked up off the bed. She had absolutely nothing to do for the next few hours until her stuff arrived. Then she would unpack. Hitomi wondered how long she would need her things for. //Will I need to get more? Will I be staying here that long?// Hitomi curled up in a ball on the floor, and began to nibble at the bagel. It was still a little warm, and it had a thin layer of butter on it. She nibbled at it enough to have accumulated a mouthful, and then she swallowed. Then she put the rest of the bagel down on the floor in front of her.  
  
Hitomi felt so uncertain. She didn't know what was going o happen to her. Was she only going to be in here for a few weeks, months, or was she crazy enough to stay here for years. If so, then the schooling provided wouldn't be enough to prepare her for a career. Would she be able to go back to her life after this? Could she go anywhere? Were all of her dreams of being an actress worthless now? She curled up tighter.  
  
All she really wanted right now was to go home as if nothing had happened. She wished that she could just go back to the way it was before. At the same time, she knew that it could never be like that at home. That's why, in a way she feared going home at the same time. Her mother would sob and blubber endlessly, and make Hitomi feel guilty for what she couldn't control. Her dad would just sigh in this heavy way that told her she was a disappointment to them. Sometimes Hitomi wondered if her dad might up and kick the bucket one of these days. He always looked so tired of living. She couldn't stand that. No. Home was definitely not where she should be right now. It would be too painful for all of them. Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't want to be here either. She wished fervently that she were an eagle, flying high above the world, unseen, unheard, and untouchable. She could just let it all slip away. All of the pain, the fighting, loneliness, dieting, and the hating. She couldn't stand the hating. It would all just slip away as she left the earth below her, going higher and higher until-  
  
"Wake up Honey Child." A thick sweet southern accent brought Hitomi crashing back to earth. Hitomi sat up and looked around bleary eyed and groggy. 

//I must have fallen asleep.// she thought. She looked up at the woman standing above her. She was probably in her early thirties, and had beautifully tanned skin. Her voluptuous body was covered by a white dress and a coat. To top it off, she had honey colored hair, and deep brown eyes.  
  
"I am Lily. I take it that you are Hee-toe-mee Kan-zaa-kee, eh?" Hitomi like the way this woman, Lily, drew out her name and pronounced each of the syllables separately. 

Hitomi scrambled up. "Y-y-yes," was all that Hitomi could stutter in reply. 

"Good. I have a special delivery for you." She opened the door and revealed two large suitcases full to the brim, and a beautiful basket filled with all of Hitomi's favorite delights. There were bath salts, home made chocolate chip cookies, nail polish, some new fantasy books she had been wanting and a card addressed to her. Her heart beat fast just looking at the card. She tore her gaze away from it and back to the nurse standing in the doorway.  
  
"Umm, what else-" she was shushed by Lily. 

"You, Dahlin, can just sit back and relax. That is until three in the afternoon. At that point Dr. Heney wants to see you in her office. It is only just down the hall, and her name is on it. You can find it. She only wants to get to know you in this session. It won't be long. Then you are free to do as you please. You will get your schedule on Sunday. It will tell you when your classes and therapy sessions and meals are. Hell, it'll tell you when to pee and when to fart. That's the way it is here." Hitomi grinned at this.  
  
"Well, I've got be off. I'm doing checks around here today. You should get unpacking. It'll pass the time." 

Just before Lily was about to leave, Hitomi said softly, "Checks? What are Checks?" 

Lily smiled at her. "Checks are what we call looking in on certain patients every fifteen minutes. Don't worry. You aren't on that list." With that, Lily was gone.  
  
Hitomi picked up the envelope. It was blue, and it had the scent of her mother's favorite perfume on it. Anais Anais had always been Hitomi's favorite perfume too. She set this softly on the head of her bed, and put her pillow overtop. Then she went to one of the suitcases.  
  
This suitcase was brimming with underwear, socks, pajamas and clothes of all descriptions. Hitomi moved over to her dresser and pulled out all of the drawers. She sorted the clothes into different drawers in this fashion: underwear and socks were on the bottom, pajamas were after that, in the middle were her tops, and on the second last drawer she put her pants. She left the top drawer empty. She wasn't sure why, though. When she was satisfied that there was nothing left to put away from that suitcase, she opened up the other one.  
  
The inside of it was a jumble. There were items off all types inside. This one would take longer to unpack. The first thing that she saw was a little metal cash box with a combination lock on it. Hitomi lifted this delicately, as if it were made of porcelain. //Bless those darlings who are my parents!// she thought happily. She was please that they had sent this to her. This was were she kept all of her most private poetry and writing. She pushed this underneath the bed, as far into the corner as she could manage and then sat down in front of the open suitcase again. Her CD player was also there, along with all of her favorite CD's. Hitomi selected one of her favorites; 1000 Oceans by Tori Amos. She put the CD in and got ready for some major organization. Then she plunged right into the heart of the chaos, all the while tapping her feet to the tune.  
  
These tears I've cried  
  
I've cried 1000 oceans  
  
And if it seems  
  
I'm floating in the darkness  
  
Well, I can't believe that I would keep  
  
Keep you from flying  
  
And I would cry 1000 more  
  
If that's what it takes  
  
To sail you home  
  
Sail you home  
  
Sail you home  
  
I'm aware what the rules are  
  
But you know that I will run  
  
You know that I will follow you  
  
Over silbury hill  
  
Through the solar field  
  
You know that I will follow you  
  
And if I find you  
  
Will you still remember  
  
Playing at trains  
  
Or does this little blue ball  
  
Just fade away  
  
Over silbury hill  
  
Through the solar field  
  
You know that I will follow you  
  
I'm aware what the rules are  
  
But you know that I will run  
  
You know that I will follow you  
  
These tears I've cried  
  
I've cried 1000 oceans  
  
And if it seems  
  
I'm floating in the darkness  
  
Well I can't believe that I would keep  
  
Keep you from flying  
  
So I will cry 1000 more  
  
If that's what it takes  
  
To sail you home  
  
Sail you home  
  
Sail you home  
  
Sail  
  
Sail you home .

Ð Ð Ð

Just as Hitomi was putting her last items, her toiletries, in place, she heard a bell ring, signaling the end of class. It also signaled the beginning of lunch for which her stomach was grateful. //Perfect timing,// she thought. She quickly went over to the closet and grabbed Lena's clothes that she had borrowed. She folded them up in a little pile and was just putting them on the bed as Lena stepped into the room.  
  
"Oh.Thanks," she said, noticing Hitomi's activity. "Are you coming down to the cafeteria? Me and Scratch are gonna go grab some food and chill for a bit, maybe go to the commons room." 

Hitomi pulled out a pair of comfy fleece pants and a black turtleneck. She quickly changed into these while Lena put away her books."Yes please. I would like to come." said Hitomi, trying to be polite. She never knew how to act. 

Lena made a face and groaned. "Cut out the Miss Manners shit with me okay? It's not necessary in here. In fact, its not even *allowed*!" said Lena, her voice annoyed, but her face betraying her amusement. "We're gonna go meet him and the others there. C'mon." Lena said, and stood waiting at the door. 

Out in the hall Hitomi asked, "What others?" 

Lena laughed. "You are so *naïve*! Did you really think that me and Scratch only had each other as friends?" Lena's voice was incredulous. Hitomi decided it would be best to keep silent for now.  
  
The cafeteria was lit up with yellow sunlight. Lena and Hitomi scanned the crowd for Scratch. He was nowhere in sight. Lena sighed. "Probably off smoking!" she muttered darkly. They turned towards the table they had sat at the night before, but there were other people there now. And there were only two seats left. Lena noticed this at the same time as Hitomi did and she stomped over to the table. She was glaring at a girl's back. She roughly grabbed the girl's shoulders and pushed lightly. The girl's face slid forward into her food. She sat up, and began to whip the potato salad off of her face. She looked hurt and confused. 

Lena ignored this as she said, "Marly, you are sitting in my friend's seat." She said it sweetly, but everyone there could sense a threat underneath the honey. The rest of the people laughed. 

"I-I. There was no one here." She stammered. "Well, we're here now. And who ever said you could sit here in the first place? Move." On the last word, Lena's voice became cold and hard. 

The girl, Marly, pursed her lips and shook her head defiantly. Lena's eyes glistened dangerously but before she had a chance to react, someone else stepped in. A pale hand started to bring a fork down in a quick movement. Luckily Marly saw this and moved her hands away from the table, but had she been any slower, she would have been skewered. Everybody looked up into Scratch's grinning face. The girl began to shake. 

"Move Marly." He said with authority. Marly got up this time, taking her tray and began to walk away. Only Hitomi saw her look back at the table, her eyes glistening with tears.  
  
Scratch sat down where Marly had sat, completely relaxed as if nothing had happened. Lena sat as well, and motioned for Hitomi to sit beside her. The people sitting at the table laughed as Scratch pulled his fork out of the table and began to dig in. 

The girl beside him said, "Thanks man. She's such a pain. We couldn't get rid of her." 

He replied to the girl, but looked right across at Hitomi. "That, my dear Bella, is because I have the magic touch." He winked at Hitomi. The rest of the table laughed. 

Hitomi spoke up finally. "Who was that girl?" she asked. The blond boy beside her turned to her and said, "That was Marly Hamilton. She's the worst pain in this entire ward. She's such a baby. Normally, I am against being mean to anybody, but she is the limit."

"Yes, well, we all know that you are the Prince of Peace here Chester." said Lena affectionately. 

"She is a serious crier, professional slut and a grade A bitch," announced Scratch. "Serious criers are always annoying because they are so clingy." 

Lena took over at this point. "Hey guys," she said, raising her voice," this is my new room mate, Hitomi Kanzaki. I want you all to treat her *nicely* because she's still a little deranged-" she was cut of by a brown haired boy sitting on the other side of Scratch. 

"So you aren't still deranged, huh Lena?" he asked. 

"Shut up fag-face!" she snapped. "Anyway, treat her better than you do me or Scratch okay? This is just her first full day here without thinking that Scratch is a door." 

Hitomi let herself laugh with the rest of them. It felt good to laugh. The blond boy beside her introduced himself first. "I am Chester. This is my boyfriend Michael." He motioned to the brunette across from him. "And this is Bella, our Anarchist Supreme." He pointed to the girl beside Scratch. She had dark Spanish skin and her long black hair was in dreads. She sported dark eye make up and a system of a down T- shirt. She glared at Hitomi through the mess of tangled hair. Hitomi smiled at her tentatively. 

"So kiddo!" said Scratch, addressing her. "Still hallucinating or what?" 

Hitomi paused before answering. "Don't think so." 

Scratch nodded in approval. "Good." He said. " It was probably the dope. So when is the Old Kahoot seeing you?" 

"This afternoon." Interjected Lena. 

"See here kid," Scratch said, "you aren't very talkative. Talking is important. If you don't talk, you don't get out. It's as simple as that. Get it?" Hitomi just stared out the window, nodding absently. "Yo! Kid!" he exclaimed. "ET can't go home right now! I said 'Get it?'! WAKE UP!" he snapped, annoyed. Hitomi snapped out of her daydream and looked at him. 

"Sorry," she said, "Gotta go." She stood up and walked away without touching any of her food. The whole group watched her leave. Scratch shook his head. "Nutty. Absolutely nutty."

Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Should'a been born on the milky way 

Can't believe what I heard today 

Oh life's a bitch and then you die 

"Come in Miss Kanzaki, please, come in." Dr. Heney ushered her into the spacious office. The room was filled with sunlight. One of the walls was made entirely out of glass, and the sunlight reflected off the beige walls in a way that made the room cozy and warm. Hitomi looked around her. There were some beautiful watercolour paintings too. Dr. Heney sat down in a large reclining chair and motioned for Hitomi to sit on the big white couch in front of her. 

Hitomi sat, and felt herself sink into the huge soft cushions. "May I call you Hitomi?" asked Dr. Heney. Hitomi nodded. She wanted to cooperate with almost anything that this doctor asked of her. She didn't want them to think that she belonged here.

"Good. I want you to call me Jan. This session is just for you to get to know me and me to get to know you." Jan shifted in her chair. "First off I would like to talk about your behaviour so far." Hitomi's throat constricted and she felt like her stomach had jumped into her head. What had she done wrong? Had she been a bad girl? Why? "I want to apologize for the unfortunate events upon your arrival here." Jan continued." You do not remember what happened I am assuming, and I always believe in admitting mistakes. When you arrived here, the nurse gave you a standard sedative that we give to all patients. People have a tendency to panic when they get here. Unfortunately, you had an allergic reaction to the drugs. Very suddenly you stopped breathing. Even worse, I wasn't here at that point, and there was only my assistant and a few nurses. Luckily they revived you, and drained most of the drug out of your body, but you may have been feeling really sluggish or confused the past few days. This is normal. It should be wearing off soon." Hitomi felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off of her. She had been good. She hadn't been a bad girl! She sighed in relief.  
  
Jan continued talking, but Hitomi's mind kept wandering, and she couldn't make herself focus on the words. Jan was probably in her mid-forties. She had chin length red hair that was made to look blonder by the patches of grey here and there. Her face was round, and she had a double chin that wobbled as she talked. The woman was huge; she overflowed her chair. Instead of wearing a suit or a white coat like the nurses, she wore a pair of black stretch pants and a sweatshirt. In her chubby hands was a can of diet caffeine free Coke.  
  
Hitomi stared at these hands intently. She examined all of the lines and grooves, the freckles and bumps. Small blond hairs were sprinkled over them, and they reflected the sunlight.  
  
"Well, Hitomi. We're done here today. Do you have any questions for me?" 

Hitomi's voice dried up in her throat. Her heart beat fast and she started to bite her lip. She couldn't think. She needed a question. Her hands started to sweat, and she wiped them on her pants. Question, question, she just needed one lousy question. "Are you gay?" //Oh shit!// she thought. It had just flowed out of her, she hadn't wanted to say it. It had leapt out before she knew what she was saying. Hitomi hung her head in shame and opened her mouth to apologize. 

She looked up, and saw that Jan was smiling at her, one of those huge ear to ear grins. "You are more than just a smart kid, do you know that?" she said. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a lesbian. My partner and I have been living together for six years. I can see something inside you Hitomi. I see something that no one else here has. Intuition is what you've got girl, and don't you dare forget it."  
  
  
? ? ?  
  
  
Tamara watched in disgust as Marly was pushed into her food, and then nearly stabbed with a fork. She couldn't believe this! She flushed with anger and looked around to see who was on duty. //Dammit!// she swore to herself and the room in general. It was just two orderlies who were too busy to notice what was going on. Even if they had noticed, they wouldn't care. Everyone but Jan, Dune and Lily turned a blind eye to those Junior League murderers-in-the-making. It was always someone like Marly who got picked on when they were let loose. 

Marly stood in from of Tamara, and she could see that Marly's eyes were full of tears. To preserve Marly's dignity, she made her sit with her back to Scratch. If she was going to cry, Tamara wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing it.   
  
The second Marly sat down, she began to sob uncontrollably. Tamara just sat there patting her back. This was becoming routine for both of them. She sat there and tried to soothe and console Marly. Eventually the sobs gave way to miserable hiccups. Tamara sat up. The flood was over...for now. 

"I don't want to make you feel worse, but I told you so." Part of Tamara felt guilty for saying it, and another part of gloated that she had seen from the start that Scratch was nothing but bad news. 

"I know. I just need-" Marly was cut off by Tamara's annoyed voice. 

"You don't need anything to do whit those scum bags!" exclaimed Tamara. "They're shit and they treat people like pawns in their twisted little game. Honestly, I don't understand how you could be so infatuated with Scratch after all the shit that he's put you through. In fact, I don't understand why you liked him in the first place! He may be good looking, but underneath that he is a monster through and through." 

"But I know that I can change him!" exclaimed Marly stubbornly. Just then, Scratch's voice came over the din announcing, "She is a serious crier, professional slut and a grade A bitch!" 

Tamara looked at Marly, her eyebrow raised. "And then what?" demanded Tamara tartly. "You will ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after? Sorry Honey, but life isn't no fairy tale. The prince is long gone and maybe sleeping beauty's dead. Who cares?! The *only* thing that Hitler-in-the-making cares about is his partner in sadism. Lena always was and always will be his only priority. Don't you see that?" Tamara stopped ranting. She got control of her anger and subdued it. Then she looked at Marly's crushed face, and wished that she could take it all back. 

"I understand." Said Marly sadly.  
  
  
? ? ?  
  
  
When I white lipped 

Yellow bellied 

Green eyed blue devil 

Caught red handed 

In a pink ghetto netherworld 

A light that will always find its way through the rain 

With the confidence of all great beauties 

They're adding to the rainbow 

-Gwen Swick  
  
  
  
Hitomi grinned as she walked down the hall towards Tamara's room. Despite Lena's constant attempts to drive Hitomi away from Tamara, she was finding herself becoming friends with the overly cheerful girl. Hitomi never quite understood Scratch and Lena, but she loved floating in their orbit. Their cool callous ways and their fierce loyalty to each other intrigued her. And they were also the cool kids of the Betty. But none of that made her hesitate to hang out with Tamara. Tamara made her laugh, you see. In a way that no one else could. Her spacey, random ways made Hitomi laugh until she cried, clutching her aching stomach. It felt so good. There were no bad feelings when you were around Tamara, for she was just too happy to stand for depressing thoughts.  
  
Tamara's door was open, as if it was a silent invitation for people to come in. Standing in the doorway, Hitomi could see that Tamara was typing furiously on her little typewriter. She didn't even notice Hitomi. 

"Whatcha writing?" asked Hitomi curiously. 

Tamara turned and smiled at her, waving vigorously. "Nothing much. Occasionally I write fiction for myself, and that's what I was doing. I'm writing a story that uses a few of the characters from Fushigi Yuugi. You know, the Genbu seishi? The dead hotties I told you about?" Hitomi nodded her head as if she understood. That was the best thing to do in this situation. "Cool. Can I read it sometime?" asked Hitomi. 

"Maybe.Well," Tamara said as she pulled the paper out of the typewriter and placed it into a carefully marked folder, "We had better get going to math class. Mr. Wallace will have a fit if we're late."  
  
"Why do they even make us take these subjects anyways?" asked Hitomi as they walked down the hall, on their way to their math class two floors up. Tamara shrugged. "I mean," continued Hitomi, "when and *if* we get out of here, these courses won't be of any use to us. They are so lame that they wouldn't even count for a half a high school credit each. What's the point?" 

Tamara smiled at her annoyed friend who was semi sulking over the matter of school. "Like they need a point in here." Said Tamara genially. 

Hitomi snorted. "I sometimes wonder if the wackos running this funny farm aren't on more dope than we are." Hitomi said irritably. 

"Well, it *would* explain a lot."   
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
At the end of each class, there was this rather annoying bell that would sound, somewhat like the sound of nails on a chalkboard, signalling the very eager escape of the students. On this particular day, at the last period, instead of the bell, there came a voice over the loud speakers. It was a very tinny sound that came across, and one could barely recognize the rich southern accent of Lily. 

"Sorry to disturb you, all mah little Dahlins," she said sweetly, "but I have an important announcement to make. I'm sure that you will all be very excited to know that in one month, it will be the Open Invitation Visiting Weekend." As soon as this was heard, the class cheered happily, and various cat-calls were made. The teacher, Mr. Wallace, made motions with his fingers to get everyone to quite down. It was fairly ineffective for several minutes, but apparently this reaction was expected, for after a long pause, Lily continued. "You have two weeks in which to decide who you want to invite. Then, you must sign up that person, their address, and phone number on the sheet. If you don't, they won't be invited. That's all." There was a click, and then the dreaded imitation bell sounded, making Hitomi cringe.  
  
Hitomi gathered up her things and got moving. She had to stop off at her room to drop off her things and then she would go meet Scratch and Lena in the commons room. They had a date for tonight, they were going to watch Girl Interrupted which had been rented for the pleasure off all.  
  
The commons room was more crowded than usual. There were masses of teens crowding at this particular table, fighting over who got to write first. Hitomi rolled her eyes. She bypassed the mass of pushing, impatient people and went to sit on the couch. She was just waiting for Scratch and Lena to get there so that she could ask them about their day. She was quite shocked when a few minutes later she saw them emerge from the now almost rioting crowd. They grinned happily and sat down. They were very rumpled, hair and clothes a mess. Lena's collar was stretched out and Scratch's eyeliner was smudged in a line across his face. Hitomi looked at the normally poised teens. She raised her eyebrows questioningly. They both shrugged at her as if to say, what can you do?  
  
"What were you two *doing*?!" she asked. 

It was their turn to raise their eyebrows at her. "Signing up, duh!" said Lena, as if she should have known better. 

"But signing up for *what*?!" snapped Hitomi. 

Scratch's eyes widened. "You mean you don't know what Open Invite is?" he asked incredulously. She nodded, glad that they realized it. Scratch explained why there was a hullabaloo. "Well, it's this weekend, when everyone in the Betty is allowed to invite one person, friend, family, whatever. This person is checked out for safety and suitability and, should they pass the inspection, they are sent an invitation. Should they chose to come, they would spend the whole weekend here. Jan was the one that thought it up. She thinks that it's good for us to hang out with non-crazies a bit. I think that she's hoping that it will rub off on us. It's one of the most favoured times in the year here. There's always a rush to sign up because they have limited sleeping space." 

"Oh." Hitomi could see why there would be a rush to get on the list. She would have liked to sign up someone, but unfortunately, it wasn't appropriate for her. Her two best friends hadn't forgiven her yet, and they had hung up on her when she tried to call them. This kind of made her feel sad, because Scratch and Lena were already talking excitedly about the weekend, and she had no one to invite. She snapped out of her reverie, because the movie was being put on. The only thing she caught out of their conversation was Lena saying excitedly, "I can't wait to see Van again!"  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

Every finger in the room is pointing at me  
  
I wanna spit in their faces  
  
Then I get afraid what that could bring  
  
I got a bowling ball in my stomach  
  
I got a desert in my mouth  
  
Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now. 

-Tori Amos  
  
"Where in bloody hell is that girl?" muttered Scratch. He was impatient by nature, and he detested being late. He paced back and forth across the room. Hitomi watched him from her seat on the floor. She finished tying her shoes and then stood up to braid her shoulder length hair. 

"I am sure that Lena will be here in a minute," said Hitomi calmly. "Pass me that elastic." Scratch looked around the room, finally he saw a hair elastic lying on the bedside table. He handed it to Hitomi.  
  
Hitomi felt strange inside. She was so calm, it was almost unnerving. This would be her first ever Little Group session. There would be lots of other people from the ward there, and they would all be expecting her to say something intelligent, let alone coherent. Somehow that didn't worry her, though she doubted that she could meet their expectations. //I'll just make it up as I'm going along. I'll worry once I am inside the room.// 

Just then, Lena burst through to door. "Sorry my munchkins!" she said cheerily. "I got a phone call from my friend Lisa at home!" 

Scratch stood up, relief painted allover his features. "Let's go, children," he said, shooing them out the door. "My audience awaits, and we are late."  
  
Little Group was two floors up, so it took them a few minutes to get there. The door was open, so they just walked in. Hitomi saw that Dr. Heney, Jan, was standing and looking at her watch. She was tapping her foot impatiently and making "tsk" noises. Finally the last person arrived and Jan closed the door.  
  
It was a comfortable room. There were dark red blinds on the windows and it was warm. The room itself almost made her think of velvet, the air was that thick. Along the walls were pictures made of bamboo beads strung out in different patterns. There was also various religious art from around the world. Instead of hard plastic chairs to sit on, there were several futon couches set up in a circle. Inside this circle was a beautiful painting of a Celtic knot, and there were little faeries peaking out here and there. The rest of the people were sitting down on these futons, so Hitomi followed their example. Not knowing where she should sit, she just took the only space available. She was wedged in between Scratch and Michael. Jan cleared her throat.  
  
"Okay everyone! Let's get started. The first thing that I would like to say is that we have a new group member today. I'm sure that many of you have already met Hitomi, but in case anyone hasn't, There should be some introductions. Is there anyone who hasn't already met her?" Hitomi looked around the circle. Marly spoke up.  
  
"Think that I'm the only one who hasn't been formally introduced yet. I am Marly. I hope that-" she was cut of by Bella. 

"What? You hope that she has nice stay? Since when is this place the Holiday Inn? Unless you've got something minutely intelligent to say, shit your trap." snapped Bella. 

Marly stuck her tongue out at Bella. "You suck!" she said, her voice immature. 

"You slurp!" retorted Bella. 

"You swallow!" 

"You choke!" 

"You gargle!" 

Bella glared at this last comment. Then she smirked. "At least I get paid for it!" she said smugly. Marly thought for a minute, and then couldn't think of a comeback to that. Bella stuck her tongue out. Jan looked at them both disapprovingly and jotted something down in her notebook. Then the strange man beside Jan spoke in a deep rumbling voice.  
  
"I also haven't met you Hitomi. My name is Dune. I am a student at the local university. I am studying to become a psychiatrist. I am working here as an assistant to Jan to get experience and to pay my way through school." Hitomi remembered laughing out loud at that point. This man, Dune, was so outrageous looking that she couldn't see him in an office like Jan's. Actually, she couldn't picture him in an office period.  
  
The first thing that she saw was his hair. He had sky blue hair, and it was cut in a mullet of all styles! The rat tales trailed down to the middle of his back. He was also huge. He must have been way over six feet tall, and Hitomi could tell this despite the fact that he was sitting down. He had broad shoulders and was very muscular. He would do well in professional sports with a physique like that. His eyes were so kind and intelligent looking that she felt she could trust him with anything. He smiled at her, revealing two rows of perfect white teeth. She made a little wave at him.  
  
"Hitomi, I would like it if you would tell the rest of the group why you are here. If you aren't sure, just tell us why you * think* that you are here. It's a tradition whenever somebody new comes into the group." The group nodded. They wanted to know what was wrong with her. They, like all humans, had a great deal of morbid curiosity. Not one of them, not even Scratch or Lena knew what happened to land her here.  
  
Hitomi took a deep breath. She could do this. It wasn't painful for her to think about these memories anymore, she just didn't care. She had no reason to be ashamed of what had transpired, for it had been out of her control. Her problems weren't scary for her anymore. It was her dreams that scared her.  
  
"Well, I should probably start far back so that you understand why I did what I did. This year I am in grade ten. I just turned sixteen this February. My mother had been a single mother for years. From the time that she and my father divorced when I was one to when she remarried ten years later, she struggled to feed her and myself. She was a vet, and she had her own practice. It was in the basement of our house, because that way she could keep and eye on me; she couldn't afford child care. My mother was always stressed, so when I was about four, she began to drink. Sometimes she would scream at me. I just needed to get out sometimes.  
  
"There has never been a time in my life that I don't remember my Gramma being there. She would look after me for weeks at a time, and I never understood what she was doing to me until recently. I went there when I couldn't stand to be in my own home a moment longer. That's why I feel so stupid.  
  
"My Gramma never hit, not really, if you are thinking that. She did other things but she never just plain out hit me. She was too cunning for that. She needed to abuse me in a way that I couldn't fight against. So she manipulated me into doing things. Sexual things. And she would drink too. She would make me feel so sorry for her that I would feel like shit if I refused her anything. She had me in the palm of her hand. I felt like I had to take care of her and give her what she thought she needed. I put up with her drunken fits, verbal abuse and even the thrashings for years.  
  
"When she was mad at me, she would threaten me by saying that she'd spank me with this wooden paddle with a nail coming out of it. For the longest time I thought that it was just a threat to make me behave. Then, a couple of times, she got really drunk, and brought it out of her closet. It was so real. I can still see her, raising that paddle at me and bringing it down again and again and again.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Blood and blisters on my fingers  
  
Chaos rules when we're apart  
  
Watch my temper I go mental  
  
I'll try to be gentle 

-Garbage  
  
"I can still see her raising that paddle at me, and bringing it down again and again and again." Hitomi's voice trailed off. There was silence in the room. Every face was riveted on her. Hitomi winced. "I still have the scars...in any case, she fucked me up *real* bad. I never thought that it would constitute abuse, so I had no qualms about telling a counselor about it. She went directly to the Children's Aid Society. It escalated from there. They wanted to get the police involved to take her to court and get her arrested.  
  
"It was dealing with the stress of the police constantly bothering me, the constant hospital appointments for anorexia, the depression. It was so bad. And then one day, it happened. I snapped. I was in science class, sitting beside my best friend Yukari. We were working on a lab together, when, quite suddenly, I was overcome with rage. It burned deep inside me and the longer I tried to hide it, the more it grew. I had to get out of that room, no matter the consequences. So I just got up and walked out. I needed to be alone, so that this feeling would go away. I think that I would have made it through that day if it hadn't been for Yukari.  
  
"Sarah and Laura, my other best friend, were worried about me, and came to look for me. They found me in the downstairs locker room. They kept pestering me with all of these questions like 'Are you alright?' If I was alright, I wouldn't be down there with them asking that question, now would I? I just wanted them to go away. So I decided to try and scare them away. I started to bash my self against the lockers like I was, well, crazy. Well, it sure scared them; a little too much. They ran out of the room and straight to the VP. I didn't know this of course, so I just went upstairs like nothing had happened. I was unlocking my locker to get my stuff out and go home when I saw them, Laura and Sarah, walking towards me with the VP.  
  
"I couldn't stand more questions, laying my heart bare to yet another person, being chewed up and spit out. I just couldn't. So I ran. The whole staff was alerted of me. They were told to find me and bring me down to the office. So I kept running. Finally, I found a room with no teachers in it. There were just some other students from my grade. I shut the door behind me, and thought that I was safe until I saw the looks on their faces. They *knew*. I could just tell. I was drowning in frustration and desperate for a way to get out. So I kicked the window open and was about to fling myself out of it when a pair of strong hands grabbed my arms and twisted them behind me. It was the school nurse. She thought that I was crazy, I swear. She was asking me if I was seeing things, she was asking if I was scared. I wasn't scared, I just needed to get away from people. So something inside me changed at that moment.  
  
"My mind stopped working, and my instinct took over. The instinct to get out. It clouded over everything. I don't actually remember anything past that point, but I was told later that I escaped and bolted from the nurse. Apparently I also injured several people who had stood in my way. I even tried to kill Yukari with a glass bottle. Then the police and the ambulance came, and in a few moments, it was all over. That, is why I am here."  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Damn! She's dawning on me 

finally dawning on me 

she's beautiful

it's not that you don't know what love is

its just that you love her and not me 

It's finally dawning on me. 

- Bif Naked  
  
  
Marly's Diary, March 6th  
  
I don't have a chance with Scratch. Not one. I may have had one, a few years back, but I sure as hell don't now. And on top of that, any chance that I do have with him has been eliminated by that new girl, Hitomi. What a bitch. Ever since she came here, just under two weeks ago, Scratch can't seem to think straight. Even his insults towards me are slightly dulled. And it's because of her. He wants *her* and I can tell because it's obvious to anyone who has been around Scratch for as long as I have. He can't stop staring at her for five consecutive seconds! God, I hate her! I wish she would just roll over and die!  
  
To be absolutely truthful though, I don't actually hate *her*. She seems to be an okay person, and Tamara says that she is a good friend so I should probably just give her the benefit of the doubt. But it's so hard! I can't help feeling resentful. *I* used to be where she is now; the trusted confidante, the friend, the potential *love* interest. And I never really wanted him when I had him. It was only afterwards that I realized just how much I cared for him. And I want him back. No, I don't really hate her. I hate myself for driving Scratch away, and I hate him for not forgiving me.  
  
I *know* that this sounds really bitchy, but *I* had him first! I was the one! He should be mine, rightfully. He should be with *me*! I know that in reality, that's not how it is, but I prefer to live in a fantasy world. It's just the way I am. And the situation wasn't helped out any by Hitomi's little confession about her past with her family. It will only make him feel more at ease around her. I will have to think of someway to get him back! In the mean time I will probably end up doing exactly what I always do: sulk.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Hitomi's Private Thoughts, March 6  
  
I don't believe it. I just can't believe that I laid everything out in the open to those people. I don't know what made me do it. Maybe I was sick of secrecy, and feeling like it had to be hushed up because it was shameful. Maybe I just wanted someone to understand. Or maybe it was temporary insanity. But never mind *why* I did it. The fact is I did, and now everyone knows.  
  
I have to admit, it *was* kind of thrilling though. Sitting there in the dark, smoky room, seeing all their eyes on me, I felt a rush of power. I was in the spotlight, and I had words at my command. They wanted *me*. Well, not exactly me, but just something juicy to chew on. But never the less, I felt, as I sat in that little room, like I was floating. I am a performer by nature, and I guess that side of me took over. I was good. They were really hanging off my every word.  
  
They all had different reactions to my story. Most of them looked sad, sympathetic or horrified at the appropriate moments. Bella looked rather smug, for she was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. I think she may have made a bet with someone over some detail in my past. Well, by the looks of it, she won. Lena was shocked and dismayed at hearing this. I have never really thought that *either* Scratch or Lean would actually care for me as a person. They were just too...above everything else. They always manage to make people feel beneath them. But I think that Lena may be beginning to care. If she didn't care, well, she wouldn't have reacted the way she did, now would she? Scratch pretended not to give a damn, but I could tell from the way he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye that he wanted to know every bit as much as they did. Well, I hope they are satisfied. Even if I am given the opportunity, I wouldn't be able to do that again for a long time. It's too nerve wracking *afterwards*. God, I have a headache. I wonder what the rules are about Tylenol.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Nyeusigrube (Scratch's Journal) March 7  
  
I only write in here when I'm confused, and that rule applies now. Jan keeps bugging me to right more in my journal, the one that she gave me. But I just don't see the point. I have Lena, and now Hitomi to talk to. I can trust them with almost everything so when I need to talk, it's to them, and not to some stupid book. But I can't talk to Lena, because she wouldn't understand, and I can't talk to Hitomi because, well, it's about her.  
  
I feel so weird inside. I feel...like I'm not myself, like I'm some other person. I have almost always known who I was and where that put me in life. I am a guilty person. I am, always have and always will be bad. It just happened that way. It's who I was from the beginning. Then, the day the I actually *realized* that I was tainted and couldn't be forgiven, I knew that it didn't make sense to just be mediocre in my guilt. I know from that day on that I would always be the meanest, bitchiest, cruelest person I could be. It wasn't hard for me to do. It came naturally. If I am gonna go to Hell, I may as well get away with as much as possible. I have been that way for years now, brutality and spite becoming more who I am than a mission. I am the ultimate self-centered; I have been diagnosed as that. The mask stayed on for so long that it isn't even a mask anymore. I am the worst person I possibly could be. But lately, I find myself not wanting to be so horrible. It's hard for me to pull off, but I have been trying. And this doesn't make any sense to me.  
  
I think that the reason behind this sudden, well, call it irresolution, is Hitomi. I'm not quite sure how she is causing this, but she is. It only started after she arrived. For a nutcase with a past like hers, she is the most optimistic, *controlled* person I know. She isn't annoyingly happy like Genki-girl, nor emotionless like Bella. She just guards herself carefully against letting any of her emotions flair out of control. I know that she isn't *actually* happy, but she puts on an air of contentment, and it is almost infectious. It makes me want to change who I am. It makes me wish I were good like her. It makes me wish that I could tell her everything....but I can't, and I never will. No matter what she has been through, she will still never understand. She will never forgive me if I told her. She would hate me forever.  
  
Sometimes I just want to brush her hair away from her face, but I can't. Even if she let me touch her, I couldn't let myself. I haven't touched anyone or been touched for years. And I intend to keep it that way. I won't let anyone get close enough to want to touch me. I am not going to break for some little girl, however different she may be. But it is so tempting.  
  
I just needed to get that out. It was driving me mad not to say it, not to know that it was just floating around in my mind. I will get over this though. I have done harder things. But I can't let this girl get underneath my skin. I look out for Number One, and no one else. And if that means shutting others out, well, I'll do it. I come first. No matter what.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Hitomi's Private Thoughts, March 10  
  
I hardly ever use this book, but lately I seem to be turning to it more. Oh well. Maybe I just don't want people to know how stupid I am. I am probably one of the stupidest creatures on earth. I knew that I was capable of weird things before, but this tops it off. I have a crush on Scratch. I don't get it! How insane is that? I deserve to be in a Looney bin for that by itself.  
  
There is no denying that he is handsome. Every girl, and even some of the guys I know think he is. Hell, he's gorgeous. I love the way he walks; as if the world was created just for him to walk on. And I love the way every one shuts up when he starts to speak. When he talks, he's so cold, so detached from emotion on the outside. But sometimes I can just feel that there is more underneath his icy, malicious exterior. Sometimes I can tell form the tone of his voice, or the flash in his eyes, that he actually does feel things. He may even feel them stronger than the rest of us put together. He hides it so well that even Jan is fooled. I even like his cruelty. There is something exciting about seeing someone who is totally without care for another's feelings. He just gets what he wants, and tramples on as many people as possible to get it. It must be exhilarating to do what you want and never think about the consequences.  
  
I suspected that I liked Scratch before; I had some attraction to him. Today it was confirmed in my own mind. You see, I was finally put on grounds pass today, and Scratch told me that he wanted to go for a walk. I could tell from his tone that he wanted me to come too. So we got ready, and went out and walked the various trails. We were by ourselves, because Lena was with Jan for therapy. It was so cool. We talked for two hours straight. We talked about religion, life, people and common prejudices of the world today. It was incredible. And every time I looked at him, it felt like my stomach was doing somersaults. By the end of the walk, I was sure that my stomach was trying to climb up my throat. And do you know what the funny thing is? I enjoyed it.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

Suck on my mouth 

Suck my pain away 

Helplessness I am hard to stain 

Potentially inappropriate 

I pray to you 

You are in me 

You are my religion 

-Bif Naked  
  
Scratch tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you ready *yet*?" he asked irritably. He watched as Hitomi slowly rubbed sunscreen into the skin if her face, neck and shoulders. Her thin figure was kind of swaying back and forth to the music she was humming. She was beautiful. Scratch hated himself for thinking it, but she was. 

"I really don't know why you need to put on sunscreen in April!" he exclaimed, exasperated. He felt caged in. The need to be free was driving Scratch crazy. It was making his skin itch. It was too hot in here. Or maybe that was just because he was with Hitomi but none the less, he was desperate to get outside and into the fresh clean air.  
  
"All right, all right, I'm done." Hitomi said, seeing how anxious he was today. "I'll regret it though," she continued, "because if I get too much sun, my face will get all red and blotchy." She grinned as she dabbed a little sunscreen on Scratch's nose. "Wouldn't want that now would we?" 

Scratch shook his head as a reply, and then wiped the sunscreen off of his nose. "Are we going for a walk before free time is up or what?" he asked crossly. Hitomi knew enough to ignore the nasty note in his voice. 

"Okay, okay, Mr. I-Have-Ants-In-My-Pants, we're going." She said as she hopped up and kind of danced out the door. Scratch, relieved, shut the door behind her. Soon they were outside, their breaths showing up in the cold spring air. Winter had been longer this year, so despite the fact that it was April, it felt like February.  
  
Hitomi pulled her jacket around her tightly and in silence they walked towards the 'Forest Trail'. Hitomi loved these walks with Scratch. She cherished them. Ever since Hitomi was put on grounds pass about a month before hand, she and Scratch would go for walks together while Lena was in One on One therapy with Jan. There was no other time that they could really go outside, for Lena detested anything to do with snow. Or cold, for that matter. So every second day they bundled up and headed outside.  
  
They talked about almost everything. Politics, weather, fashion, the price of peas in China, it was all fair game for verbal dissection. Or sometimes they would walk together, side by side, in silence, like they were doing now. It was very calming to just stroll, looking at all of the big oaks and maples, listening to the chickadees chirp and hear the crunch of snow beneath their feet. Hitomi felt an overwhelming surge of contentment. Before she quite knew what she was doing, she found herself entwining her fingers with Scratch's. Surprised and confused, he jerked his hand away from her letting it fall limp as he turned his back to Hitomi. Hitomi felt hurt, angry. What was wrong with holding hands? Was she that disgusting to him? Tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she blinked several times, to fight them. She heard Scratch draw a deep ragged breath. When he spoke, his voice was strained.  
  
"Hitomi, I'm sorry. I-I need to tell you- you deserve to be told." That's all he could manage to get out. He sat down on the hard snow, and motioned for her to sit as well. As she sat, she wondered what he was going to tell her. It was something bad, that much she could tell. His eyes were clouded with pain and remorse, and maybe...guilt? He kept biting his lip and looking at her like it was the last time that he would ever see her. Hitomi opened her mouth to speak, but Scratch put a finger over her lips, silencing her.  
  
"Please." He said, his voice rough. "Don't say anything. Even when you know the truth, don't say anything, please. Just walk away from me and don't look back. Don't make me feel worse that I already do." Hitomi felt her stomach lurch. What was he going to tell her? He looked her straight in the eye as he spoke.  
  
"When I was little, two to be exact, my father died. Heart failure was the cause. He was very young, only in his early thirties. My mother, who was even younger, wasn't going to sit around and mourn for the dead and gone. That's the way she was. So when, two years later she met a new man named Corey, she didn't hesitate to say yes when he asked her to marry him. And they decided together that he should adopt me, so that it would be like I had a real father in my life. A father whose name would be put on my birth certificate. I had no real say in this, because I was so young. I didn't hate him, I just didn't like him."  
  
"Well, about when I was eight, my mother discovered that she had cancer. It was very serious, and the doctors wanted her to be put in the hospital immediately for around the clock treatment. So she went. She stayed there until her death four months later. Anyways, Corey was ok, at least up until mom died. He pretended to love me like a son, probably just so I wouldn't say anything to mom when we visited her. Then, after her funeral, everything changed. He got sick of playing daddy, so when I misbehaved, or just if he felt like it, he would hit me. He had an awful temper, and he knew how to use a switch just a certain way that could make you scream for mercy. He would also throw things. Occasionally he threw me. Now, if I had had any common sense, I would have told someone and gotten out of there. It wasn't too late yet. But I didn't because I still had my dignity. Then one night he came home drunk, and even that changed."  
  
"I knew that he was in a rage the moment he entered the room. Even the way he opened the door conveyed how much he loathed me. The way he stood, towering over me, I felt somewhere deep inside that there was something wrong there. That I should get out. But I had gotten really good at ignoring my instincts by that point so I just said hello. But I felt it. Maybe it was the way his fingers kept twitching. Maybe it was the way he looked at me like a dessert being set out for him. In any case, I was scared. He came over to me, and picked me up by my hair. Then he threw me across the room, and my head collided with the wall. I was bleeding, and everything was going fuzzy. The last thing that I saw, he was pulling down his pants." Scratch looked away from Hitomi now, he couldn't look at her anymore.  
  
"I was lucky that time." Scratch said, his voice muffled my the wind. "The other times--- the other times he made me feel each and every moment. He would make me scream, he would make me beg, he would make me-" Scratch stopped. His throat had tightened up so much that he could barely breathe. He fought to keep back tears of anger and shame. Boys don't cry. He closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to see Hitomi's disgusted face. He didn't want to see her walk away, hating him. He could stand it, if only he didn't watch.  
  
Hitomi's eyes widened n shock. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. It made her heart ache to hear the words, and she wished she never had. They echoed inside her head, torturing her. Anger boiled up inside of her. //How could anyone do *that* to a little boy?!// she thought angrily. She wanted to kill that man, Corey. She wanted to so badly. Then Hitomi looked up from the ground and looked at his face. Pain was written all over it, and his eyes were shut tightly. She felt her anger melt away as she watched his white hands clasp and unclasp. Gently, she took one of these hands and pressed her lips into his palm.  
  
Scratch opened his eyes, disbelief and surprise shining through at her. "Why are you so surprised? Did you think that I would blame you, find you disgusting?" she asked softly, moving closer to him. He nodded his head, looking down. "I would *never* do that, Scratch. Never! It wasn't your fault what happened. You were a child. *It* *wasn't* *your* *fault*." She accentuated each of these last words with a firm kiss to his hand. Scratch felt relief wash over him. She took her other hand and wiped at the corners of his eyes, where the beginnings of tears had formed. "Why did you think that I would abandon you for something like that?" she asked. 

"I-oh, it's nothing. I just felt- it doesn't matter." He stood up and held his hand out to her to help her up. She grabbed the offered hand, and pulled herself upright. Together they walked back to the building, still holding hands, each finding comfort in the simple show of affection.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

She disappeared then reappeared 

Whenever she was able 

She opened up a can of worms and threw dinner on the table 

It's suitable for fishing 

A dinner well worth missing 

But we are all invited and we must all attend 

-Gwen Swick  
  
Scratch turned over in his bed, trying to find a comfortable position. It was virtually impossible. The room was too hot, despite the fact that the window was wide open, letting in the cold night air. His skin was clammy and his breathing was shallow. After what seemed like an eternity of trying to sleep, he sat up. It was obvious to him that he wouldn't be able to sleep at all that night, no matter what he did. He looked at the little digital clock beside his bed and saw that it was about two in the morning. //Shit!// he thought. //No one's gonna be up at this point. I have absolutely nothing to do.// he crawled over to the bedside table and clicked on the little lamp. He squinted as a bright light was cast all around the room. He felt pissy. He was definitely in the mood for a dark room. Walking across the cold floor, he found a black t-shirt, and threw it over the lamp. Nothing but a little bit of light shone out from beneath the shirt. //That's better.// he thought.  
  
Scratch sat down on the floor and looked around the room. He knew he was angry at himself, but he couldn't remember why. He looked at all of his posters on the wall, as if they would give him answers. When they didn't, he decided to let it go. He decided to just let his mind wander.  
  
Scratch couldn't believe what he had done. He had told *Hitomi*, of all people, about his past. He hated himself. No matter how understanding she may have seemed, there was no way she could look him in the eyes from now on. Virtually no one knew the truth about Scratch. Only Jan, Dune, and Van knew the real truth. And now Hitomi. She would never think of him as anything other than an object of pity now. Scratch got up and walked across the room. He stood in from of full length mirror, and looked at his naked upper torso. 

//Even if she didn't pity me, and didn't hate me, she'd be to disgusted by who you are.// he told himself angrily. He ran his fingers along his chest and stomach, digging his nails into his skin, and watching as five little red trails appeared on his skin. In a fit of anger he attempted to dig his fingers into his skin and rip it off. He was disgusting. He hated himself. He looked down from the mirror to the floor. He felt so young. He wanted to crawl up into a little hole and never come out. Never, not for anyone.  
  
He walked over to his dresser and rooted around until he found his spiked collar. He picked it up and felt for the strip of black electric tape on the inward facing side. Scratch carefully removed the tape and took the razor that had been hidden underneath. Scratch always kept it there so that no one could find it if there was a room search.  
  
He sat down and held the razor up as if to see it better. The light glinted off the sharp edge, and his skin itched in anticipation. Scratch bit his lip and let his eyes roll back into his head as the blade began to dig into his flesh.  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
it feels like a movie 

'cause i've done something heavy 

now i'm all alone 

you know I like it 

well i wish i was older i could hold my liquor  
  
then i 'd blow your cover instead of my own  
  
-Nina Gordon  
  
Everyone was sitting in the commons room. Some were pacing anxiously; others were chattering away or tapping their fingers impatiently. Everyone was excited. It was the first day of Open Invites and the guests would start arriving any time now. Even Hitomi was excited, despite the fact that she hadn't invited anybody. The atmosphere was infectious.  
  
Scratch was sitting beside her, his headphones blaring Rammstien so loud that everyone else could hear it as well as him. His expression was unreadable; his face was relaxed and emotionless, and his eyes were covered by opaque sunglasses. Hitomi watched him for a moment or two, pondering his behavior towards her today, or the lack thereof. Ever since they went for the walk yesterday and he told her about his childhood, he had barely spoken two words to her. It was like now that she knew the truth about his father, he didn't want to have anything to do with her. It was like he wanted to get her out of his sight. Frustration welled up inside Hitomi and she clenched her fist. He was being such a fuckwad. She just wanted to rip those sunglasses off his face and *make* him look at her. She was also pretty tempted to just punch his face in, but either action would merely end her up in isolation for the duration of the weekend. She wanted to stick around to meet all the non-crazy people. So she sat back and turned away from Scratch. She looked at Lena instead.  
  
Lena was excited, anyone could see that, but only someone who knew her better than the others would be able to tell that she was also nervous. Hitomi could tell by the way that she kept tapping her foot rapidly against the floor. But the dead give away was the fact the Lena had grabbed a section of her hair and was gently tugging at it. Only when Lena was distressed about something would she do that, and the more upset she was, the harder she pulled. Hitomi just couldn't figure out why Lena was so...uncomfortable. Her puzzled thoughts relating to Lena were interrupted by one of the girls who had been looking out the window to the parking lot below.  
  
"Someone's arrived!" she exclaimed. "A few cars just pulled up!" Every one moved, en masse, towards the wind. Hitomi and Scratch were the only ones who weren't trying to climb over the bass of teenage bodies to get a glimpse of the visitor. Hitomi figured that she would meet these people soon enough, and Scratch just looked like he was asleep, though she couldn't tell because of his glasses. She opened up her sketch book and began to draw him.  
  
The announcement of new arrivals and the crowding to see them occurred several times during the next hour or so. Every time, someone would identify their guest, and they would run off to the entrance hall where they would greet them. Eventually, there were only a few people left in the room besides the three of them. Not even Lena bothered to get up when Michael, who had been spotting at the window, informed them that someone had just pulled up. She just sat looking dejected. Hitomi only looked at her for a moment before turning back to her sketchbook. 

"Maybe he isn't coming." Said Lena miserably. "Or maybe he forgot or..." she trailed off for a few moments thinking. Just as she was about to open her mouth to speak again, Jan came into the room and interrupted her.  
  
"Lena, Scratch, I'd like you to come with me." she looked at Hitomi, as if scrutinizing her and then said, "You too." She crooked her finger at them. Scratch frowned but got up, and the girls followed suit. They were lead down the hall towards Jan's office. They each had their own suspicions about why Jan wanted to see them. They all thought they were in some sort of trouble, but each had different ideas of why. All three were a more than a little apprehensive by the time they reached the door. Then, just as Jan was about to open it, they heard two deep voices chuckling. Hitomi recognized the voice of Dune, but she couldn't place the other one. The identity of the person was not long a mystery. Lena squealed and yanked open the door. Scratch watched her amused as she ran inside yelling, "Van!"  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
i'm like a self made hand grenade  
  
but i can't pull the pin 

i set the bait and sit back 

and wait then i try to see if i can reel you in 

-Nina Gordon  
  
"Sorry I'm late guys!" exclaimed Van. Lena threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. Van chuckled and hugged her fiercely. He then turned to Scratch and embraced him. Normally, he forbade anyone to touch him, even Lena. Hitomi watched in amazement as he threw his arms around Van and buried his head in his shoulder. Van smiled and stroked Scratch's hair affectionately.  
  
"So kid, how are you holding up?" he asked softly. Scratch lifted his head to look at him. Then he shrugged and said, "As well as any psycho in a Betty could be." Van laughed and gave him one last squeeze before letting him go. It was then that Van noticed Hitomi standing as far away from the group as she could, her back up against the door. He moved around Scratch and stood looking her up and down. They silently studied each other for a few moments.  
  
Hitomi's first impression of Van was that he was attractive, in a bad boy kind of way. He was somewhere in his early twenties and stood just as tall as Dune. He wore a loose red t-shit and a pair of khaki shorts that showed off his bronzed muscles. Hitomi wondered how anyone could have such a nice tan at this time of year. His long, thick black hair was kept in a ponytail that reached his waist. He grinned lopsidedly at her when he saw that she was looking at his long hair. He held out his hand to her.  
  
"My name is Van. I'm please to meet you." He said politely. Then he burst out laughing. "There Jan! You see? I told you I'm learning some manners! Even if I can't keep a straight face." Van trailed off and looked back at Hitomi. Scratch snorted. "Little suck up!" he muttered.  
  
Hitomi smiled back at Van, a little tentatively. "My name is Hitomi Kanzaki," she said, taking the proffered hand. She studied it while she shook his hand. He had the tattoo of a red and black dragon. The red dragon's head was on his hand and the other one was somewhere under his shirt. The two wound around his arm in an intricate design and disappeared under that shirt sleeve.  
  
"Do you usually hang out with these Twinkies, or are you too sophisticated for them? He asked, winking at her. "Because you sure don't look like the scumbags they usually hang around with." 

Hitomi was baffled. "I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult!" she exclaimed.

"Take it as a compliment," he said. 

"Wadda ya mean "scum"?" interjected Lena indignantly. 

"You mean scum like you?" growled Scratch. Van smiled indulgently. 

"That, my dear sick boy, is *exactly* what I mean." Jan interrupted their friendly banter to shoo them out of her office. She had to do some paper work and discuss medicine doses with Lily. Dune stayed behind and waved to them before closing the door behind them.  
  
They stood in the hallway wondering what to do for a few minutes. Then Van spoke up. "I wanna take a tour," he said. "A lot of stuff has probably changed since I was last here." Hitomi felt awkward walking down the hall with them. She shouldn't be there; this was a time for old friends to catch up, and she was getting in the way. They didn't want her tagging along.  
  
"Hey guys," she said, "I'm gonna go back to my room. I have some major laundry I need to do. Lena, do you want anything cleaned?" Lena shook her head, not even taking her eyes off of Van. Hitomi slipped away, and her feeling of loneliness increased as their cheerful chatter echoed down the halls after her.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Van watched the girl walk away from him for a few moments and then turned back to his companions. Lena, who was almost *bubbling* with excitement had asked him what he was up to these days. "Well, I'm doing a lot of photography in my spare time. I still have a job at the mechanic's but I am discovering that I love being behind the lens of a good camera. You know," he said, when he read the look of slight incomprehension on Lena's face. "Taking pictures of models, tweaking them, etc." 

Scratch smiled. "I'm quite sure you are loving your new talent, especially if there is a pretty woman in front of you," he said cynically. 

Van nodded, not even bothering to disagree. "That's true and I can't deny it, but I also do scenery or pets or just about anything else really." said Van. He smiled at his two little lunatics and asked, "But what about you? What have you been doing?" As usual when Van was involved, Lena dominated the conversation.  
  
"Well, ok I guess. They transferred me to the Eating Disorder section of the clinic when I dropped below 70 lbs but sent me back once I managed to gain another sixteen back. Not much has changed since then really. Except for Hitomi. She came just over a month ago and she's my new room mate. She's actually pretty cool if you get past the whole school girl look. I don't really know *why* she's in here; she's saner that just about everyone and is pretty lacking in the problem area. Otherwise, she can be a lot of fun." At this point Lena actually stopped for breath, and Van took advantage of this silence to speak.  
  
"And what do you think of her Scratch?" he asked. Scratch shrugged noncommittally. When that didn't seem to satisfy his older friend he said reluctantly, "She's...okay...I guess." His voice lacked conviction. Van's eyes narrowed and he peered at Scratch as he moved ahead, as if to move away from the topic. He only did that when he didn't want to talk about something for reasons of his own. Graciously, Van let him change the subject by suggesting that they go out for a smoke.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð

sometimes he'll twitch for no reason

its just a twitch and its part of his style 

he tells me I'm his one and only 

the only one driving him wild 

-Bif Naked  
  
For Open Invites the cafeteria's "cooks" had been given the weekend off. Obviously *someone* up at the top knew that they couldn't cook for shit and decided to hire caterers for the whole weekend. The result was enormous amounts of gourmet food that smelled so good that even Lena tried a little bit of everything. The smells wafted through the building, and by dinner time, people were licking their lips in anticipation. If Lena ate, you could be sure that the rest of the people who crowded the cafeteria, guests and patients alike, were *gorging* themselves.  
  
That evening, Hitomi decided that it would be better to leave Scratch and Lena to have dinner with Van. Besides, she felt awkward around them, and she just wasn't feeling up to it. Instead she had joined Bella at an isolated table by the wall. Despite Bella's icy greeting upon Hitomi's arrival, the two of them had fun talking. For the first week or so they had both been rather offish towards each other, but that soon melted away. Hitomi had then discovered that Bella, no matter what else she might be or come across as, was hilarious. Hitomi could easily compare the random things that were said in their conversations to some of Tamara's idiosyncrasies. The only difference was that Bella usually thought along more cynical or sexual lines than Tamara. Everything had a hidden meaning or connotation with Bella.  
  
That particular evening they were finding all the ways in which they could relate food to sex. It had started with the creamy sauce over our fettuccine alfredo. Hitomi looked at it, her eyes kind of crossed and said flatly, "It looks like cum." That was it. It escalated from there to include every and any edible food they could think of.  
  
"So Bella, having fun *slurping* back that glass of milk?" asked Hitomi with a devilish grin. Bella glared at her. "Shut up. At least I'm not..." she trailed off, trying to think of something appropriate to call Hitomi. Her eyes widened as the idea hit her. "At least I'm not a yogurt squirting milk carton!" she blurted out. Then her eyes widened as if she was surprised she had said it. Hitomi was taken aback at first, and then the humor of it hit her. Only Bella would come up with something like that.  
  
She began to giggle uncontrollably. The image of a yogurt squirting milk carton and all of the sexual innuendos associated with dairy products made it hard for Hitomi to gain control again. She wiped her eyes and saw that Bella had been laughing too, just as amused as Hitomi.  
  
"Snargleboo," said Hitomi with a pout. This was her trade mark nonsense word to say that she was sulking or mad at you. Bella was well familiar with it. 

"Snarglebitch!" Bella said happily. This altered version of her favorite word coming from Bella sent Hitomi into peels of laughter. Then she noticed something that sent her right over the edge. Still giggling, she pointed to Bella's lips.  
  
"You...have..." she stopped. She needed to catch her breath. Once she felt she could string a few words together at a time she spoke again. "You have...white...stuff...on your face." Hitomi then gave in to the urge to laugh. She rocked back and forth and nearly fell off of her chair.  
  
Bella, who was rather annoyed at being the unwilling but of Hitomi's sick joke, took advantage of Hitomi's distraction. She took a large spoonful of the rich alfredo sauce and skillfully flicked her wrist. The off-white goo landed right between Hitomi's eyes. This shocked Hitomi out of her laughing fit as she stared at the now-empty spoon in Bella's hand incredulously. Mouth open in amazement, she touched the dripping sauce with her index finger and pulled it away a little disgusted. Bella smoothed out her napkin primly. "Now who has white stuff on her face?" she asked smugly. Hitomi's eyes narrowed at Bella. "You did *not* just do that!" exclaimed Hitomi as she wiped the sauce off her face. "I'll get you for this. I swear you will be *very* sorry."  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
i know this feeling awfully well 

i could build a camera custom made  
  
to tape record the smell of the perfume

that we used to share 

until you spilled it on the floor

what more could anybody ask for? 

-Nina Gordon  
  
The full moon shone down lovingly on her many children. She belonged to the night, as did the stars of fate. The night was strangely silent and calm. Even the heavenly bodies themselves seemed to have dimmed. The world was dark. It was a strange night, almost eerie in its stillness. It was a night for dreams. It could make you believe in the unbelievable. It could bring the skeletons out of the closet.  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
_  
Lena was standing in the middle of a circle. All of the other children were her age; they were in her grade four class. They stood, shoulder to shoulder to prevent her escape, and began to close in on her. They pulled at her hair and clothes, ripping and tugging. As Lena struggled to make them stop, the taunting began.  
  
"Lardo!" "Fatty!" "Hippo!" "Piggy!"  
  
Hurt and confusion shone in her eyes. This seemed only seemed to make her peers more agitated. They began to become more and more aggressive in their pulling. They began to hit her and kick her. She fought like a wild cat, biting and scratching. She would not tolerate being treated like this! She moved to hit them back when Jenna, one of her old friends, grabbed her hand. She gripped Lena's pinkie finger in a tight squeeze and began to twist it ever so gently. Pain shot up into her hand and settled there.  
  
Lena stopped thrashing about as they continued to beat her. She wasn't going to fight back if her hand was in danger. She couldn't let Jenna hurt her fingers if she was going to be a concert violinist when she was older. Lena wanted to kick and scream and fight back, but her dream meant too much. She had spent hours practicing everyday. She had started taking lessons from when she turned three! It was what she was going to do with her life. She had always known it. So for this and this alone, she lay there on the ground, finger still held by Jenna.  
  
Eventually the children tired of this 'sport' and, one by one, they began to cease their violence and retreat to other parts of the yard. All of the others had left, save Jenna. Janna stood over her, looking at her in disgust. "Pieces of shit like you don't deserve to live!" she snarled, voice low and cruel. Suddenly she flicked her wrist, twisting Lena's pinkie finger. There was a sickening crunch, and Lena screamed, more in rage than pain, and clutched her limp finger. Jenna a walked away, never bothering to look back at Lena.  
  
Lena lay there sobbing, staring at her mangled hand. The pain eventually began to fade. It was replaced by a deep hatred. They had ruined her. All her time spent on the violin was for *nothing* now. Everything she wanted was gone. She wanted to kill them.  
  
Her hatred clouded her vision, and everything disappeared. An angry face loomed above hers and blocked out the scene. "Just what do you think you are doing here girl?!" asked the boy in an irritated, rather arrogant tone. He held out his hand to help her up off the ground. As Lena stood, she saw that the school ground, the play structure, the children- it had all been replaced by a long metal hallway. It seemed to go on forever in both directions, and every few feet there were large black doors. This in itself was odd. A hallway didn't just go on forever. But the thing that shocked her the most was that the boy in from of her looked exactly like Scratch. If one replaced red armour with black cotton and took away that long scar on his cheek, then it *would* be Scratch. Lena stared at him open mouthed. It looked like he wanted to say something to her. He began to open his mouth, but before he could make a sound he faded away, along with the hall and the doors. Lena was left with an empty darkness, a hole of black._  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Lena knew that it had been a dream before she was even fully conscious. She blinked a few times, but that didn't really help her see any better. She just had to let her eyes adjust to the dark. That dream had been so strange. It was so odd that she would have a dream about Scratch wearing clothes like that, and in such a weird place too. It was so absurd. And the other part of the dream.  
  
Lena involuntarily twitched her fingers. She hadn't thought about her wasted violin ambition for years. She had all but forgotten it being here in the Albrecht Durer asylum. Lena pressed her hand firmly against her chest, and felt a deep sorrow wash over her.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Hitomi sat on the top of the stairs, watching the landing below. This was her duty as the self appointed guardian of the house. She would sit for hours and watch the people who came in and out of the door below. She would direct them to go around the corner and down the *other* set of stairs to get to where they wanted to go. If any of them were confused as to where they were to take their pets, she was there to help them. She would take them under her wing and direct them to her mother's veterinary clinic in the basement._  
  
The upstairs of the building was her house, and Hitomi was fiercely protective of it. It was the only home she had ever had, and with all of these suspicious strangers coming in and out, she needed to keep an eye on them. Should any of the pets escape from below, she would catch them before they had a chance to mess up her house.  
  
She watched like a hawk as a boy emerged from the basement and stood at the landing, looking up at her intently. She sat up straighter. She had seen this boy go down with his mother who had been carrying a rather scruffy looking cat, but neither the mother nor the cat were with him now. He just stood, his eyes burning holes into her.  
  
He was older than her. She couldn't tell how much older though. He was rather sunburnt, and a handful of freckles dotted his nose and cheekbones. Obviously someone had tried to tame the mass of wild black hair by combing out it of his face, but it didn't do much good. He broke of his gaze rather abruptly.  
  
"Well, how old are you?" he asked this as if she should have told him ages ago, and what did she think she was doing just sitting there staring at him? Hitomi held up four fingers in front of her face. "Four huh? I'm nine." He stated, proud of his maturity. "Do you have any good movies here?" he asked her. She nodded, then waited. _

People usually talked if you gave them a chance to collect their thoughts. This was one thing that Hitomi knew for sure. This remained true with the boy. "Well, aren't you going to invite me up?" he asked, amazed at her stupidity. Without waiting for an answer he bounded up the stairs and stood beside her. "I'm Hitomi," she said proudly. His reddish-brown eyes were filled with amusement. Hitomi. What a strange name.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
If it was possible to be a hermit at the age of 10, Scratch had pulled it off almost to perfection. He detested talking, laughing or just being with people in general. He, for the most part barricaded himself inside his room, typing furiously. For a child, he already knew all the quirks of hacking and programming. Occasionally he would look out his window to the outside world for a few moments, and then he would turn back to his technology infested room._  
  
It was on one such occasion that he saw them. He saw the blond girl first, Lena was her name, and then Hitomi. They were kneeling on the ground, sidewalk chalk in their hands, busy drawing or writing on the pavement below. Standing above them was Van, bossing them around, as usual. What Scratch couldn't understand was how a twelve year old boy like Van could stand to even be *near* a pair of giggly seven year old girls. Sure, they were spontaneous, and usually quite funny, but you had to draw a line somewhere. Even Scratch was enticed by them; they could occasionally convince him to come out with them. But he just couldn't understand why Van would voluntarily join himself at the hip with them. Scratch shook his head at the scene below. He just didn't get it._  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
and you don't seem to understand a shame

you seemed an honest man 

and all the fears you hold so dear 

will turn to whisper in your ear 

-Boa  
  
Hitomi felt the steaming water flow over her body, relishing in the warmth that was invading her skin, and sighed tiredly. She had woken early that morning and was completely drained of all emotion and energy. More correctly, she felt like she had been hit by a bus during the night. And she knew *exactly* what was making her feel so crappy.  
  
She had dreamt last night, for the very first time since she arrived at AD. It hadn't been a nightmare, but it was creepy none the less. It had been so *realistic*. Everything about it, her old home, the smells and sounds of the clinic below her, the fray in the stairs where she had sat for many hours at a time.It was so typical of her to be sitting at the top of the stairs, shrewd eyes judging all who passed her. It was sort of like déjà vu.  
  
Hitomi had made many of her friends by sitting at the top of the stairs. Most kids would feel either intimidated or curious when they saw. And both of those emotions lead to conversation, and usually a friendship of sorts. But she had no recollection whatsoever of this strange, bold boy in her dream, but at the same time, it struck something deep within her. He *felt* real, in every sense. The way he smiles, the sound of his pre- pubescent voice, it had awakened something inside of her, and Hitomi didn't know what.  
  
The reality of it disturbed Hitomi. It was like a new part of her had been kindled last night, just be wrenched away from her when she awoke.  
  
Hitomi felt her eyes stinging, and closed them. She would *not* allow herself to cry over a meaningless *dream*. She turned off the tap and stepped out into the cold air. Quickly, she wrapped a towel around her torso and then peered into her steam distorted reflection.  
  
"Snap out of it, Kanzaki!" she muttered angrily to her reflection. It was a silly little *dream*! She was young, fit and had some of the best, most *interesting*, if not sane, friends she could ask for. There was no point in getting all weepy over a fictional character that her sleeping mind had created.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she gathered whatever emotional energy she had left, and forced a smile on her face. When that didn't work, she tried instead to relax her face a bit, to make her seem more natural and content. That was better. //Real enough. They'll buy it.//  
  
After twisting her hair back into a sloppy bun, she pulled on a stretchy T-shirt and a pair of jeans. She looked at herself, satisfied with what she saw. These jeans were her comfort food for her body. They were worn with age, and faded, and all of the curves suited her body perfectly. And her favourite thing about them was the patchwork writing up the leg. It said in big bold letters, "Kiss me, I'm confused." Pulling her sneakers on, she crept out of the room, careful not to disturb Lena, who was still sleeping soundly.  
  
Walking down the deserted hall, she decided that she was going to go to the common room, where she could read or watch TV until the others woke up. Not that she would be spending much time with *either* Scratch or Lena, since Van was around. Lena would just spend her time drooling, and Scratch would wipe it up.  
  
Immediately, Hitomi regretted thinking this. It wasn't fair. She knew that they hadn't seen Van for almost a year. It was just that things were so weird between her and Scratch already, and she just wanted to be alone with him so that she could sort out how she was feeling.  
  
Hitomi glanced at the clock on the wall as she began to open the door to the common room. It was just half past six.  
  
"You're up early." Hitomi jumped, surprised to hear a voice other than her own. Then she saw Van, who was standing beside the tall bookshelf, some tattered copy in his hand. 

"Oh. It's *you*," she said dejectedly. 

"Don't sound so excited, Hitomi!" he said, his eyes showing a bit of hurt behind the humour. 

Hitomi grimaced. "Sorry. I'm tired." She said shortly. She was feeling kind of guilty about being so jealous of him. She just wanted to erase it, but she couldn't help feeling awkward around him. 

"How about we go for a walk? It's kind of dead around here right now," Van suggested, casually. 

"Sure." Van put down the book that he was hold and made his way across the room, taking big strides.  
  
They walked in silence, both unsure how to start the conversation, until they elevator doors closed in front of them. Then, Van turned to her and asked, "Do you dislike me for any particular reason?" 

"What?!" spluttered Hitomi. 

"Well, after I arrived yesterday, you hurried off, and then, at dinner, you didn't sit with Scratch or Lena. They were both kind of upset. They wanted you to stick around. I just wanted to know if you didn't want to be around them because of me." Van mentally crossed his fingers, hoping desperately that she wouldn't say yes. He knew that she had always been brutally honest, and it was unlikely that she had changed much. Hitomi hesitated before speaking, her face pensive, and uncomfortable.  
  
"Yes," she finally said, and Van's heart dropped. "It *was* because of you." She saw the look on Van's face, and her words became more hurried and apologetic. "I don't mean that I dislike you! Don't think that. I just...I don't really want to say this but...I was jealous. I didn't want to have to hang around while you got all the attention from Lena and Scratch. Ever since I came here, I have been pretty central to our friendship." At this point the elevator doors opened, and they stepped out onto the ground floor and make their way for the exit.  
  
"When you came," Hitomi continued, "You represented the side of their friendship that I wasn't a part of. It's childish, I know. I'm sorry." Van smiled at her. She hadn't changed an bit. Especially when it came to her own faults, she would always cough up when questioned. He looked at her beautiful face, flushing with embarrassment and shame. He couldn't help it. He wanted to kiss her. But as he was considering it, she turned away from him.  
  
"It was unfair of me." She said softly. He laughed. "Don't be so self-criticizing! I'm just glad that you don't have, like, some sort of huge thing against me. Look," he said, as he saw her dubious expression, "Let's just forget that it ever happened, okay? It *never* happened. Now, I want you to tell me a bit about yourself, but I can't really expect you to do that unless I talk about me for a bit, right?" 

"I guess that's fair," conceded Hitomi. This was weird. Van had such a charismatic energy around him that Hitomi really did want to forget that she had ever been envious of him. She shrugged and decided to play along. Seeing that she agreed, Van began to talk in easy, flowing words, his deep voice friendly and open.  
  
"I'm twenty-one, and I live in LA. I have a little two bedroom apartment there. I've been living in LA since I got my walking papers and my inheritance. When my parents died in a fire, they left both me and my brother Dune enough money so that we could each dabble freely in whatever catches our interest." He stopped and watched as Hitomi regained her breath after choking. 

"*Dune* is your brother?!" she squeaked. He grinned and nodded.  
  
"We don't look much alike, except for body build. I take after my mom, but Dune, he takes after no one. He's the oddball." Hitomi chuckled, obviously amused by something. "What?" asked Van, gently. 

Hitomi giggled. "Well, I was just wondering who was sent here first, you or your brother, and if in *either* case it was the reason behind the other ending up in AD too." She shrugged. 

"It was an amusing thought. The idea of Dune driving you crazy is rather...interesting. His workaholic tendencies *could* do that."Van grinned, before becoming serious. "Actually, you're right. After I was institutionalized, my brother became slightly obsessed with the who's and where's and how's...and most of all the why's of my sudden...predicament. He's determined to figure out what happened to me to make me into a loony. I doubt that he ever will though. I have a hard time understanding it myself, and it's hardly something that I could explain to someone. It's just one of those things that you couldn't possibly understand unless you had been through the same shit." //Like you.// he added silently. 

"That's totally understandable. As much as I adore Scratch and Lena, I couldn't expect them to *understand* how my mind works." agreed Hitomi.

//Wouldn't bet on it.// Van had to bite his tongue to keep from saying this out loud. He gazed at her affectionately at his oh-so-innocent childhood friend and fantasy lover. She had grown up so much, so much prettier than he had expected that despite the fact that she was just a kid, he felt a familiar stirring inside of him.  
  
She stopped walking. He gave her a quizzical look. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. 

"Like what?" he asked, his words casual, but the strain in his voice betrayed his troubled state. 

She paused for a second, her voice soft and sweet. "Why are you looking at me like you had lost a part of yourself, and that when you watch me, you've found it again?" she looked up into his face, eyes searching. "Why?" she demanded again, her voice a little more bold. Van debated for a moment, and then decided to ignore *all* of his warring ideas.

Instead, he stepped forward and grasped the back of her neck. "Maybe, just maybe I look at you that way because I have."  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
from my eyes flowed glacial water from my soul 

sick obscenities I died eating French fries 

in the restaurant on the corner 

where you broke my heart 

I cried cuz I bit my tongue 

Knowing truth would wash over you like rain 

-Bif Naked  
  
"Maybe, just maybe I look at you that way because I have." He said, just before he leaned forward to meet her lips with his. For a moment, she was too startled to react, but then she began to return the kiss, ever so hesitantly. It was soft and sweet, kissing Van, and feeling the early morning breeze ruffle their hair. She sighed contentedly as she inhaled the scent of crisp spring air that was so similar to Scratch's own distinct fragrance. 

Suddenly she pushed Van away, a deep shade of crimson rising to her cheeks. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed, her tone strained. Then she buried her face in her hands so that he couldn't see the guilt and shame that were displayed so blatantly on her features. When nothing was said for several minutes, she finally looked at him timidly. Instead of the hurt and confusion that she expected to see there, his eyes held only an apology and a tinge of smugness. "I'm sorry." She said simply, her voice grating. How could she have done that?! She wanted *Scratch*! 

He nodded. "I know. It's Scratch." 

She looked at him, bewildered. 

"Don't apologize, I should be the one apologizing to you." He began to elaborate. "I sensed earlier that there was a...connection...between you and Scratch. I am fairly good at detecting these things, *especially* in one of my closest friends. I *did* want to kiss you, but another part of me just wanted to see if you felt the same way about him." Hitomi's eyes widened in comprehension. For some bizarre reason, she wasn't mad in the slightest. Instead, she felt kind of please, because this meant that Scratch felt *something* for her, despite his recent efforts to be cold to her.  
  
"All right then, Freud. How do I feel?" she asked, tone without rancour. 

He shrugged. "You're a teen. You're confused and hormonal." 

Hitomi snorted, but Van continued, ignoring her obvious amusement. "It's made even worse by your..." he waved his hand around, gesturing to their surroundings, "...*situation*. But through that I can see that you care deeply for him. And I'm glad. Scratch doesn't need another wishy-washy person in his life who will abandon him. I know that it's a lot of responsibility to put on a person as young as you are, but I sincerely feel that you would not do this, not under any circumstance. I hope so anyways."  
  
Hitomi smiled, relieved. As they turned back to the building where the others were just beginning to wake, she began to speak.  
  
"I do. I mean...I want to be...something to Scratch. A big something. It's just so *hard* to get passed his barriers." She looked up at Van, and his whole expression seemed expectant. "I'm going to tell you how the land lies right now, if only because you want the best for him," said Hitomi seriously. "I also feel like I can trust you." Van nodded, comprehendingly. "He opened up to me *once* so far, and that happened only a few days ago. He's just *beginning* to trust me. He's told me about his childhood experiences with his father. He was *so* sure that I would turn my back on him once I knew the truth. He assumed that I would find him disgusting. He looked so...*defeated*. It was so heartbreaking, especially since Scratch is such a strong, detached guy. Of course, I immediately put all such ideas out of his head. I told him that I would never hate him for something like that. And...he looked at me like I was his whole world. In that one instant, I was all that mattered to him. I don't know why I feel the way I do for him. Firstly, I generally have *no* interest in dating whatsoever, and secondly, he's the exact opposite of me, not to mention the people that I get along with well. He's cold and distant...and cruel. But none of that seems to matter when I am around him. My heart starts to pound so loudly that I'm *sure* the rest of the world can here it, and my stomach starts to do acrobatics." Hitomi grinned, wryly. "I probably just sound like some lust driven teen to you."  
  
Van shook his head. "Not at all, Hitomi." The building was now in sight. Van turned and grabbed her arm gently. "Look, Hitomi, I want you to keep in touch with me after I leave. Absolutely *anything* that you want to get off your chest, you can trust me. I know what it's like to have something inside, and you can't tell Jan, or Scratch or Lena, because they just wouldn't *understand*. They'd just shrug and say you're crazy. But if there is something that you never want to be judged for, something so strange that you don't understand and could never tell anyone here, you can tell me. Chances are, I'll understand better than you'd expect."  
  
Hitomi looked at him, eyes wide. Something in his tone struck her. It was like he *knew* about the dream that she had seen the night before. Suddenly, it struck her. The boy in the dream, Van, they were the same person! But how? *Why*? Why on earth did she have a dream about meeting him as a child? She had only met him a couple of days ago. Hitomi shook her dead to clear away these thoughts for later. Then she smiled at him.  
  
"I'd love that."  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð  
  
  
Marly grinned, her face a mask of malicious triumph, as she watched Hitomi begin to respond to Van's kiss. From the bush where she was hidden, she could see them clearly. This was too perfect for words. Van, Scratch's *best* friends in the world, was kissing Hitomi. *And* she was responding! Maybe if he knew, he wouldn't be so eager to share things with that bitch. He would stop looking at her out of the corner of his eye, treating her like she was some sort of personal goddess or saviour.  
  
Marly tore her gaze from the scene in front of her, just missing seeing that Hitomi was pushing him away, her face almost in tears. She never saw that. All she knew was that Hitomi was a traitorous bitch. She ran back to the building. She couldn't wait to tell Scratch the *truth* about his precious Hitomi. She began to giggle at the thought, glee spreading through all of her features.  
  
  
Ð Ð Ð


	2. Part 2

I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing

I have no choice, I hear your voice

Feels like flying

I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling

Out of the sky, I close my eyes

Heaven help me 

-Madonna

Hitomi stood in the crowded doorway, squeezed between Scratch, Lena, Dune, Jan and Lily, all six of them waving furiously at the retreating vehicle. Open Invites had ended that evening, but under special permission from Jan, Van had stayed later into the night. It gave Dune a chance to talk with his brother before he left. Now he was on his way, headed back towards Los Angeles, and things would be returning to normal in Albrecht Durer. Whatever normal meant.

Hitomi squeezed her way back inside and opened up the little scrap of paper that Van had slipped her before he left. This was the first opportunity she had been given to read it.

_Hitomi, don't forget your promise to write. I like you, Hitomi, and I sincerely think that you and Scratch will work it out. I have a hunch that you two will be the foundations you both need to get out of AD. But be careful when dealing with Scratch. He has the tendency to be...slightly sadistic towards the people very close to him. I speak from personal experience. I can always help you if there is trouble. _

_-Van_

Hitomi flipped over the paper and saw that Van's address and phone number were both written there in small, neat printing. She tucked it into her jean pocket. //What on earth did he mean about 'I know from experience'? Were he and Scratch ever...an *item*?! He's just about said as much. I'll have to ask him later.// She turned around, just to see Jan pushing them out of the doorway and closing it firmly. "Right. Off to bed with y'all. It's almost your curfew." Lily said firmly. The three of them groaned. 

Scratch turned to Lily with a pathetic puppy face and said, "Lily, can't we just stay up a *little* bit longer? Pleeeeease?" Lily looked at him, her resolve weakening. 

"How long is 'just a little bit'?" she asked warily. 

Scratch grinned. "Oh, a few hours or so. Maybe until two, three in morning." 

Lily rolled her eyes. "It's eleven thirty now. You get to stay up until twelve thirty, got it? By then I want to see you in bed and sleeping. And I *will* come ta check up on y'all, so I mean it! Now scat!" she waved them off affectionately. They scampered out of view and began to make their way towards the elevator. Once inside, Lena pressed the button for the third floor at the same time Hitomi pushed the fourth.

"What'cha doing?" Hitomi asked Lena. "Aren't you going to come upstairs and hang with me and Scratch?" 

Lena shook her head. "I'm rather tired. Besides, I'd really like to have a little solo time. No offence intended, of course." 

Scratch raised his eyebrow at her. "Of course not," he sneered. He *looked* annoyed on the outside, but Lena had known him for a long time, and she could tell that he was just *itching* to get rid of her and have a little time by himself with Hitomi.

Scratch leaned over and kissed Lena on the forehead and Hitomi murmured, "Goodnight." before she stepped off the elevator. Only after the elevator doors were firmly closed behind her did Lena allow herself to laugh. Scratch and Hitomi were both so attracted to each other, it was almost ridiculous. And what made it even more amusing was the fact that Lena had figured it out *ages* ago, and they were just *beginning* to realize that there was something more than friendship happening. Lena shrugged to herself as she walked down the hall. What did it matter if there was an abundance of teen lust? They were perfect for each other anyways.

The opening of Lena's door coincided with the opening of the elevator one floor up. As Scratch stepped out into the 'Boys' hallway, he took a chance and grasped Hitomi's hand. He felt his pulse race, and he realized with some amusement that he was nervous. Hitomi turned to look at him, smiled, then gently closed her fingers around his. Scratch breathed an inaudible sigh of relief. When they reached his room, Scratch broke away from Hitomi, turning on the little bedside lamp and sat down on the bed, facing her, his eyes searching. She was beautiful, in the way that only young women can be. She stood tall and thin, her skin unblemished and untainted. Her body's soft appearance deceived the eye, for he knew that underneath her peaches and cream skin was undiluted strength; muscles wound up as tightly as clockwork. Her face displayed the charm and freshness, as well as the endearing insecurity of a teenage girl, yet her eyes...she looked at him in a way no girl ever could. She looked at him the way a woman looked at a man.

Hitomi bit her lip, slightly uncomfortable under Scratch's scrutiny. In all of her time at AD, she had never really felt uncomfortable around him. He was just too real, too authentic to feel awkward around. He had never made any pretence for anyone, always saying exactly what was on his mind. But even the comfort that came with such honesty had changed. Before, she had just been a girl who liked to spend time with Scratch, liked talking with him, looking at him, even. But now...she was the girl who *wanted* him. Wanted his friendship, his care, his trust, and so much more that she didn't even dare think about. She hadn't even known it until this morning when Van had kissed her. But now it was a truth, as real and valid as any other part of her. Her hair, her eyes, her heartbeat...these things were solid, as were her feelings for Scratch. She didn't love him, not yet anyways. It was too soon for that. But she felt something she had never felt before, in any of her dealings with boys. She had the knowledge that she harbored that feeling...beyond primal lust, that spark, which given time and fuel could become a full fledged fire. As Hitomi crossed to room to be near him, she had a realization that almost made her laugh out loud. She could love this man.

Scratch pulled her down to sit beside him. He cupped her face in his had and began to trace her lower lip with his thumb. Hitomi closed her eyes, moved my the tenderness that Scratch so rarely displayed. "What do you want, Hitomi?" asked Scratch, his voice husky. 

Hitomi opened her eyes, confusion evident on her face. Why on earth would he ask something like that *now*? 

"What do you want from *me*?" he clarified. When she made no reply, the silence in the room was like a vacuum that desperately needed to be filled. "I mean...I don't understand you!" he exclaimed, his features regaining their typical distrustful harshness. "Everyone else, it's so *obvious* to me what they want me to do. In fact, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Marly wants by body; she wants to control me. Van's determined to protect me from the Big Bad World for as long as he lives, Lena wants to and will likely remain my best friend for a very long time. But you...I don't know what you want. I get vibes from you, Hitomi, but they're all muddled up." Scratch leaned in towards her and spoke with a rough whisper, "When I look into your big pretty eyes, I see want in there. But what you want I just-" Hitomi silenced him with her finger.

"I want *this*" she said, her voice lower than usual. Ever so slowly she moved, closing the space between them.

Scratch's lips were surprisingly soft for one who could make such harsh, mocking expressions with them. He responded her soft kiss by pulling her down on the bed and leaning over her. He pushed the hair away from her neck and began to kiss her, starting just below her ear and moving lower toward her collar bone. Hitomi's pulse began to quicken and she closed her eyes in delight as he began to bite and nibble at her, hard enough to make her shiver, soft enough to feel safe.

Almost as soon as he had started, he was finished. He quickly pushed himself off of her and moved in to a sitting position. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. As she watched him, Hitomi felt her breath catch in her throat. He was the most beautiful person she had ever seen in her life. His porcelain skin was slightly flushed and his lips were rosy from kissing her. Around his head was a silver halo, thin strands of his hair falling into his eyes.

Hitomi sat up. She understood that he had not stopped because he didn't like her. It had simply been time to stop, and now she was supposed to make a quick exit. She got up and strode across the room to the door. She turned to him briefly. "I want *you*, Scratch. That's all I want." He nodded, his eyes still shut, a strange expression on his face. Hitomi gently shut the door behind her. Inside his room, Scratch found that he had to pinch himself to keep from smiling too hard.

Ð Ð Ð 

anti money

anti hate

anti things I fucked and ate 

anti peace

anti life

anti husband, anti wife

anti song and anti me

I don't deserve a chance to be 

-Marilyn Manson

The sun was beginning to creep up above the tree tops, making fascinating shapes in the shadows over the slowly melting snow. Scratch sat on the steps, absorbing the beauty all around him, taking a deep, contented drag from his cigarette. Just as he began to exhale, he heard the click of the door behind him. He turned, expecting it to be Hitomi, but was shocked to find Marly standing there looking at him, a funny light in her eyes.

Scratch quickly masked his shock and replaced it with a look of violent disinterest. He turned around, staring at the cigarette in his hands, wishing desperately for her to just *leave*. Didn't she know by now that he *hated* her? Just as he was thinking this, Marly did the thing Scratch was dreading most; she went and sat down beside him, staring at him pointedly.

Several minutes passed in uncomfortable silence. Scratch kept up his cool, detached exterior, but beneath it his insides were squirming. He was in emotional knots. He was disgusted by her. It wasn't that she was ugly; she wasn't. It was the feeling he got from being that close to her that made him shiver; his skin was crawling.

He had always relied on his ability to 'sense' what a person was like. He had been able to pick up on vibes and auras for years. And never before had he felt one like this. What he felt made him want to recoil in fear and loathing. All around her was this mass of empty, sucking grey. She was like a vacuum. Whoever she came close to she began to feed off of, her aura temporarily losing it's grayness. She was what Scratch called an Astral Vampire. His father had been one too.

From what he could tell, Marly fed off of other people's aura's and suffering, enjoying every minute of their pain, *especially* if it was to further her own ends. Even without the knowledge that she was a traitorous bitch, he would have felt considerably more than a little discomfort being in such close proximity to her. He took another drag on the cigarette as he thought to himself, //Pity. She never used to give bad vibes. Her aura...I remember! It was blue. For gentleness. God, how things have changed!//

Scratch's thoughts were interrupted by Marly's voice. "Look, I *know* that you don't like me- hate me even. I figured that out a long time ago, but-" 

"But nothing!" he spat. "You brought it on yourself. You and your self-fucking-righteousness. You pretend that you are a friend--that you are there for them no matter what, and then as soon as you see something that you don't like, you disappear. Well, I don't give a fuck anymore! I hate you. So go get back up on your high horse, little girl. No one wants you here!" His voice was barely above a whisper, but it conveyed two years of pent up hate, anger and hurt. As he uttered the words, he almost felt better. He hadn't said anything to Marly or anyone else about their fight two years ago. He hadn't told anyone who she had just dumped him like he was a piece of shit after she found out about his father. It felt good. And what felt even better was the look of hurt and torment on Marly's face. The bitch had this coming.

"I already said that I *know* all of that." Scratch looked up at her, surprised that she was going to stick around for another verbal beating. "I have something to tell you Dil-" 

"DON'T CALL ME THAT NAME!" he screamed. He got up and began to pace. "Besides, anything that comes out of your mouth is foul shit! What could you possibly have to say that would be worth contamination?" 

Marly flinched in response, but refused to back down. "Sorry about the name, *Scratch*. In fact, I'm sorry about everything. I wish that I had never been so stupid and self absorbed! But the past is past! The only thing I can do is to try to make it up to you by being a good friend when you need one." 

Scratch snorted. "I have many good friends and *you* aren't one of them. I have Van, Lena, Hitomi, Bella-" 

He was cut off by Marly as she lunged forward and grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him. "It's *about* Hitomi, you dolt! I didn't know how to tell you. She's a cheating piece of scum!" Scratch eyed her suspiciously. His body was tense, ready to shake Marly off of him, but his eyes were inviting her to continue. "I know how you feel about Hitomi. I can see it in your every movement. You care. To me, you wear your heart on a sleeve. To others, you may be able to disguise how you feel, but me.*I* can see right through the attitude that you slather on as thick as the make up on your face. You can't fool me, Scratch. And that's why it hurts me so much to see you like this when she doesn't even give a shit for you!" 

Scratch's eyes widened uncomprehendingly. "What-what are you saying?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper. He knew that Hitomi was too perfect. Why hadn't he seen this coming? 

"I'm saying that yesterday I caught Van and Hitomi making out. You mean so much to me Scratch, I just couldn't let you carry on believing that she cared for you." 

Scratch's mind was reeling. His face was in shock. After a long silence he spoke. "How am I to know that you aren't lying to me?" he asked, though in his head he already believed her. 

Marly took a step back from Scratch. She knew by the hard tone to his features that he needed very little convincing. Still. "Just ask her yourself. Besides, have I ever lied to you before? In all my years, no matter how low I sank, I *never* lied to you." With these last words she got up and flounced up the steps, disappearing into the building, leaving behind a very pissed off young man, desperately wishing he had a razor.

Ð Ð Ð

For Fitz20 and esca chick, who despite FF.N being a bitch, took the extra time to encourage me to continue.

i've got a crush on a pretty pistol

should i tell her that i feel this way?

i've got love songs in my head that are killing us away 

-Manson

Marly smiled to herself, laughing at her own private joke all day long. Delicious tension filled the air and resentment hung so thick it could have been cut with a knife. Wherever anyone went they could not be at ease if either Scratch or Hitomi were present. Even Lena was avoiding them that day; she knew that if she wasn't around, she wouldn't have to choose sides in the upcoming fight. And there *would* be a fight. The feelings of anger and betrayal that were welling up inside of Scratch like a volcano ready to explode were becoming more and more obvious as the day wore on. And while most people didn't want to stick around to see the shit hit the fan, Marly wanted to witness every second of it.

Of course, everyone knew what was going on; all except that pathetic excuse for a girl, otherwise known as Hitomi. She could tell that Scratch was pissed at her, even she wasn't stupid enough to miss that, but she had no clue *why*. The others all had an idea or two, though. They would glare and leer at Marly. When she passed them in the halls, not even bothering to act innocent-which everyone knew she wasn't--- she chose instead to wear a triumphant smirk. All day she walked with the confident step of the victor. Let them have their favorites! The fools were blind anyways. None of them could see what Marly saw.

Marly knew that Hitomi and Scratch were wrong for each other. They just...weren't right; it was like trying to hang to sun and the moon beside each other. They would constantly try to outshine the other until they both burned out. No one could see the imperfections of them as a couple. All those twits were thinking was "Oh, *poor* Hitomi," or even worse, "But they are so *perfect* together!" It made Marly sick. Perfect? Fuck that! Little Miss Prim and Proper might be perfect, but Scratch sure as hell wasn't. That was why they didn't --*shouldn't*-- be together.

Scratch was tainted, in both body and mind, as was Marly. Together the two imperfect halves made a perfect whole. Two negatives made positive. Everything, even *math*, showed that it was Marly who belonged with Scratch, not that Miss America wannabe.

So, knowing what no one else did, she had gone to Scratch that morning, just before breakfast when he went out for a smoke, and told him the truth. That his bleach blond little piece of shit was a whore. That she wasn't as sweet and trustworthy as she seemed.

It had taken a while to get him to believe her, mostly because he wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise, but he did eventually. And now look at him. He was a raging bull, out for blood. Hitomi's blood. Marly giggled wildly at the thought and skipped off to her appointment with Jan. Life was perfect.

Ð Ð Ð

For two days this continued; the walls between Hitomi and Scratch grew ever greater. Hitomi could sense the gap between them was widening and it frustrated her. Every time she tried to approach Scratch to confront him his body would tense up and he would give her a look that should have been registered as a lethal weapon.

What bothered her most was that there was no reason that she could think of for him to be pissed at her. She had wracked her brains, fruitlessly. On the first day she had been temped to ask someone else what was going on, but whenever she came near, people would clear off and busy themselves elsewhere. So she couldn't find out what was going on from them either. It was so frustrating! She and Scratch were obviously at an impasse. Scratch refused to talk to her or let her talk to him, and Hitomi could sense that there were big emotional issues behind his behavior. *She* wasn't willing to risk an emotional breakdown for either of them to get to the bottom of it, not yet anyways.

The only person that would still talk to her was Tamara. Bella, Chester, Michael and even *Lena* were avoiding her like she had the plague. They hadn't said a word to her all day. It was this big conspiracy to make her feel like shit!

Tamara knew what had happened to Scratch, Hitomi could tell. She would avoid talking about him in any of their conversations. But at least she was still talking to Hitomi. It was bad enough that she was mysteriously on the outs with Scratch, but *Lena*, her roommate and best friend in AD? She could barely look Hitomi in the eye. When Hitomi had come into her room a few moments ago, Lena had made a quick exit. Relationships were supposed to be unstable; friendships weren't.

Hitomi would not cry. She avoided it at all costs. It made a person weak and vulnerable. And even worse than that, people could tell when you had been crying, so the whole world knew what your weaknesses were and could easily exploit them. No. Crying was at the top of Hitomi's most hated things list. But despite her resolve, she felt the gloom begin to overwhelm her. It made her feel like she was in grade 2 again. That year had been bad, Hitomi remembered that much. She couldn't put names to the faces in her memory, but there had been constant fights within her circle of friends, and she was almost always on the outs with one of them. Back stabbing and vicious popularity games were the norm back then. For some reason, this situation with Scratch had struck a cord in her, reminding her of her long buried childhood.

Hitomi hit the 'play' button on her headset and closed her eyes, letting the loud angry music fill her head and soul.

"Drowning deep in my sea of loathing

Broken your servant I kneel

It seems what's left of my human side

Is slowly changing in me" 

Hitomi had been acquiring a taste for death metal and other ridiculously dark and depressing music recently. She had gotten bored of her stash of cd's, turning to Scratch and Lena and Bella to supply her with new music; they all had an obsession with immersing themselves in angry music. In fact, this Distrubed cd, The Sickness, was one Scratch had given her. //Why did I have to go and start thinking about him again?// she thought sadly.

Hitomi felt her throat tighten up and her mouth went dry. Why was this affecting her so badly? Then came the dreaded stinging behind her eyes and Hitomi began to shake her head, attempting to push away the tears that were already forming. No, no, no, no. The word kept repeating over and over again in her head, in time with the music. But it was too late for refusal. She was already crying. The feelings of shame, hopelessness and despair were so strong that she soon gave up on trying to repress them. She sat, sobbing into her hands, a horrible sound of failure filling the room. She hated the world. A floodgate had opened inside of her. For the first time in years, she was truly and honestly angry. She wanted to kill someone.

Looking at my own reflection

When suddenly it changes

Violently it changes (oh no)

There is no turning back now

You've woken up the demon in me

Ð Ð Ð 

They go from kindergarten to killing sprees

They go from heart ache to inner peace 

Hundred foot ceilings 

Hundred percent defeat 

He said let's leave this between you and me. 

-Teagan and Sarah

Lena sat with Bella and Michael at lunch. The others were outside; Scratch was refusing to talk to anyone and Hitomi had holed herself up in her room this morning. And Michael didn't even count as a lunch partner. He had his headphones on and was immersed in one of Shakespeare's plays, Hamlet. 

"Eat." 

"Fuck you, Bella," snapped Lena. She hated it when people would bug her about her weight or her eating habits. 

Bella rolled her eyes. "Lena, sometimes you are *so* stupid. Dune and Lily are in here, and they're watching *you*. You say that you want to get out of here, but you never pay attention to things." Lena turned around and sure enough, Dune and Lily were chatting away, seemingly oblivious to their surroundings, but every once in a while they would tilt their heads slightly and watch her. 

She turned to face Bella again. "Thanks Bella." 

"No problemo, kid. You *need* the help. All this lack of food has left you with the IQ of a slug. Now *eat* something!" 

"Why don't you mind your own business?" asked Lena, exasperated. "This is an insane asylum, in case you hadn't noticed," Lena snorted loudly, but Bella continued as if she hadn't heard her.

"Is there any such thing as personal boundaries in here?" Bella finished off, waving around the room. 

"Still." Lena hated food. It was disgusting, and worst of all, fattening. 

"Eat." 

"God, it's so *gross*!" Lena whined. 

"Eat," insisted Bella.

"Fine!" snapped Lena, defeated. She began to angrily chop up her little steamed baby carrots, rapidly shoving them into her mouth, an almost violent undertone to her actions. "Happy?" she asked sourly through a mouth of butter and mushy vegetables. 

"You need to swallow," said Bella with a twinkle in her eye. There was an awkward silence, and much to Bella's surprise, Lena said nothing about the potentially sick joke Bella had just made. Bella snapped her fingers in front of Lena's distant eyes. "Lena? What's up with you? I gave you a perfectly good foundation for a dirty joke and you ignore it." 

Lena swallowed her veggies and sighed. "It's the situation between Scratch and Hitomi," she said tiredly. 

"And?" 

"And it makes me feel like shit, for one thing! Scratch has been my best friend since I got here and he has been nothing if not a good friend and a safe confidante. And when Hitomi came here, there was just…something about her that made me and Scratch like her. Two went to three in a matter of days. For the past couple of months we have been inseparable. People called us the Triplets because we spent that much time together. And things were going so well for Scratch and Hitomi in a potential relationship sense. They were getting closer and closer everyday. Next thing I know, Scratch is on a rampage, Marly is smirking like she was born with that expression on her face and everyone doesn't know who to side with. So no one who is closely connected with Scratch and Hitomi have said two words put together the past few days." 

"Correction: only Scratch and Hitomi aren't talking."

"It's not as simple as that, Bella. I wish it were. Out of loyalty to Scratch, I can't converse with Hitomi or any of the bystanders who may have taken her side. We all know, though he never told us, what he went through with Marly. Now he thinks that it's happening again. So it isn't fair if I go to Hitomi. But I like Hitomi a lot, she's been nothing but a sweetie, and I feel like shit for ignoring her. And I can't talk to anyone who supports Scratch in this, lest she thinks that I hate her. And a lot of people are thinking along the same lines as me. The only person that still hangs out with her is that disgusting pillar of cheeriness, Tamara." 

Bella snorted. The Black Abyss, as Bella was sometimes called, had never gotten along well with Tamara, and everyone knew it. "What I don't get is why you care? You should be able to talk to both of them and not choose sides. If they bitch, you bitch back. Or bite, or scratch or whatever floats your boat. Despite the fact that I'm siding with Scratch on this one and I believe that's he's in pain and all, I *like* Hitomi. I think that he is also making a mountain out of a molehill. He jumps to conclusions. Lord Fuckwad just doesn't stop placing the blame on his past, though. If the sun burnt out, it would be because of the way his father treated him. I have no clue how long this will continue, as they're both stubborn as mules when they want to be, but I see no reason why you should lose two friends just because they don't have enough brain cells to figure out that this really isn't a big deal." With that, Bella got up, leaving her tray behind, as usual. 

Lena looked down at her plate and was surprised to discover that it was empty. Part of her was kicking herself for being so stupid and careless. 400 calories was a lot! It was disgusting, having ingested all of that in one sitting. Yet.somewhere deep inside of her there was a feeling of satisfaction. Pushing these thoughts away, Lena got up. Bella was right. She would end this nonsense soon enough. She would go upstairs and apologize to Hitomi for ignoring her unduly. She just hoped that Hitomi would accept her apology.

Ð Ð Ð

"You look like death gone albino; what's with the extra makeup?" Jan asked as the hurricane locally known as Scratch threw the door open and flopped out in one of her many chairs. 

"I'm extra pissed," he replied curtly. 

She nodded, looking at his cold hard features, and she knew that this session would be a long one. " There has been a lot of tension in my sessions with almost everyone from your ward, Scratch. Wanna tell me what's going on?" He looked at Jan warily for a moment, considering.

Scratch disliked humans. They were an infectious disease that plagued the earth. He wished them all dead. They were little bugs just waiting to be squished. But once every blue moon there would be a person so different that Scratch not only liked them, but respected them, thus exempting them from the status of being a bug. Jan was one of these rarities. If anyone could understand, it was her. 

"Well. It has to do with me and Hitomi," Scratch was inwardly wincing as he said her name, but his face was dark. Jan motioned for him to continue. She had known what was going on between him and Hitomi, of course. She knew everything that went on inside Albrecht Durer, but she wanted to hear about it from his lips. If it was big enough to make everyone else creep around him for fear of being beaten up, he would want to talk about it. He proceeded to tell Jan about their walks together, and how he and Hitomi would talk for hours. He told Jan that Hitomi knew about his father, and about how she had seemingly accepted him despite that. He told of the night Van left and how he felt at peace when he was in Hitomi's arms. 

Jan looked at him. "Scratch, I have to stop you here. First, I want to say that it is very dangerous to get involved in a situation like this. You are both very unstable people, and I would recommend against it. But I won't force you. Now, with the formalities aside, I want to say that I am very proud of you. I know that you were crushed when Marly reacted badly to hearing about your past-" 

"Abandoned me was more like it!" 

"I'm quite impressed that you found the courage to share your past again." Jan continued as if Scratch hadn't interrupted. "That and the fact that you were able to make some *non*-sexual physical contact with Hitomi? Now *that* is something!" Scratch grinned wryly, his eyes humorless. "I can sense that there is a but to this story, judging form your look." 

Scratch nodded. He proceeded to tell the events of three days ago, riddling it with curses and foul language as he thought appropriate. 

When he had finished, all Jan said was "I see." The silence stretched out for many minutes until Scratch remembered the other thing that he wanted to tell Jan. 

"And I had a dream." Jan looked broke away from her reverie, looking at him, indicating that he should continue. "Well, you know those dreams I used to get when Van was still around here?" he asked. 

"The ones where you and he were fighting in giant robots? His was white and yours was red?" 

Scratch nodded. "Well, I had the same dream. We were fighting again. We were in the woods and it was nighttime. As usual in this dream, the earth hung in the sky beside the moon. But the thing that made this dream stand out was the fact that Hitomi was there." 

Jan examined him closely. "Hitomi was in your dream?" 

He nodded. "She was sitting on Van's shoulder-or the robot's shoulder anyways. And in my dream, when I saw her, I called her the 'bitch from the Mystic Moon'." 

Jan gasped. 

"I have no clue what the "Mystic Moon" shit meant," he continued, oblivious to Jan's piercing gaze, "but Hitomi was obviously there to represent how she betrayed me for Van." He paused for a moment, reflecting.

"Are you sure that's the reason she was in your dream? And are you even sure that she betrayed you?" she asked gently. He looked at her pityingly. "Ok, ok, I get the point. Have you ever seen her in your dreams before?" He shook his head. "Are you sure, Scratch?" 

"Positively." 

Jan's alarm clock began to go off, signaling the end of their session. As Scratch closed the door behind him, Jan let out a weary sigh and buried her head in her hands. Maybe she and Dune could finally figure out what exactly Gaea was.

Ð Ð Ð

"Hitomi?" There were no lights on in the room and the curtains were drawn shut to block out the mid-day light. "Hitomi?" she called again. When no reply was made, Lena moved and flipped on the light. What she saw made her swell with some perverse pride and made sob of fear and guilt catch in her throat, all at the same time. Hitomi lay sprawled out on the floor sleeping. Lena went over and knelt by her. She was clad in black from head to toe. Her hair, her beautiful honey colored hair was gone, replaced by a harsh black that made her look pale and unwell. She had even taken Lena's makeup, savagely twisting her features into an unrecognizable mask, with a style strong and impatient, like that of one who is driven by desperation or anger. And worst of all were her arms. Liquid red lines criss-crossed in strange patterns up and down, little pools of blood collecting on the floor. 

Lena leaned over and placed a tear stained kiss of Hitomi's forehead. "You really are one of us now, aren't you?" she asked in a strangled whisper. Then she got up and closed the door. The first rule was to never let another slasher get caught. And Lena would be loyal to Hitomi; this had merely brought her closer to the girl. There was an understanding now. She would watch Hitomi's back, much the way Bella and Scratch watched hers. It was a vicious cycle.

Ð Ð Ð

The coffee was dark and strong. Steam curled up off the surface of the black liquid, and it could heat you from the inside out. Here, the coffee left you with a comforting burning sensation in your throat after you swallowed it. Dune sometimes wondered if it was spiked. He sighed contentedly. Leaning back into the cushions on the booth seats, he waited for Jan to come out of the washroom. He was sitting at Jenni's diner. Dinner would be his treat tonight.

The diner was actually called Nissa's Grub. The name suited the place. It was an unaffected place with no pretentious attitudes. It was a cheep diner with horrible yellow, orange and pink paint that was chipping off the walls and lights that flickered on and off every once in a while. But it was clean, the food was decent, and the people were very hospitable. Nissa, the owner of the small eatery, had worked hard all of her life. One could see it in the weary wrinkles around her aging eyes. Yet she never failed to put on a smile for a customer.

Then there was Jenni, who was another matter entirely. Jenni was in her early twenties and she had worked at the diner ever since she had dropped out of high school at the age of seventeen. Nissa, kind old soul that she had always been, had taken her on. She hadn't needed the extra help, but Jenni proved to be a life saver. When Nissa had been in a car crash almost a year ago, it was Jenni that had run everything, keeping the little diner's doors open, not to mention ensuring that Nissa had proper care everyday until she had recovered.

Jenni never felt more comfortable than when she was in the diner. The only thing she hated about it, she told Dune one time in private, was the color scheme. One day she would paint a mural of the sky with beautiful deep blue hues spreading out across the walls. She had wanted to do it for so long but had never had the time or the money. Jenni had been a local celebrity when she was a teen; the beauty that had won her the place of homecoming queen and Miss Kempville had not dulled over the years but was instead transformed by a hardened mask of detachment and an inner vigilance that rarely let her relax. She would sit across from Dune, a faraway look in her eyes and tell him that when she was a child she had thought that she was actually a bird in a human's body. She longed to fly away, she told him. Then she would smile sadly and say, "Enough of this sentimental nonsense," and get up to continue with her work.

Nissa's Diner was a home away from home for both Jan and Dune. It was a bare ten minute drive from the asylum, and it was perfect for days when you needed to relax before you went home. It was ideal for any day really, if you had an appetite. Jan loved the food, but it was the unique coffee that kept Dune coming back. Well, that and the debates he would have with Jenni over the existence of God. He hadn't been able to convince her that there was a supreme being yet, but she wasn't winning either. He smiled to himself at the thought of their friendly arguments.

Jan appeared from behind the bathroom door, which was doing even worse than the rest of the place. The paint had completely chipped off, leaving rough, un-sanded wood exposed and the handle didn't always close properly, but no matter. It served it's purpose anyways. Jan sat down across from him. Jenni, who was greatly adored by Jan, came over to get their orders.

"Why, hello now. Haven't seen either of you two around for a while. Been busy?" 

Jan nodded. It was the understatement of the century. 

"How about you? How are you holding up?" she asked, seemingly genuinely interested. 

Dune grinned, because where other people would see a sweet, concerned you woman, he knew what was really going on. As always, she was doubting his abilty to keep from going mental himself under the stress at Albrecht Durer. She would make it clear to him in little jabs or subtle digs into his ego. He ignored it, saying instead, "Pretty good, Jenni. We've had a new patient up at the AD in the past couple of months. She's gone through a lot. She seems to be nothing but a terrified little waif, cowering in the shadows of the more aggressive patients, but I know better. That girl is as hard as a rock. One day, someone will push her too far, and I pity them. She could tear a man to pieces with her sharp tongue if she wanted too." 

Jan decided to say nothing as it seemed that Dune knew nothing of Hitomi's agitated behaviour of late. She merely hoped that it wasn't to late to stop her from going off the edge.

"Maybe I'll get to meet her when you bring them kids up for a trip, huh?" asked Jenni as she set the menus down in front of them, distracting Jan from her thoughts. The menus were a mere formality; she already knew what they would order. She was just polite by nature. 

"That would be nice," said Jan absently, still distracted.

There was a reason that Dune had asked Jan to have dinner with him tonight. He noticed that she had been getting more and more stressed recently. He knew some of what the situation was at AD, but Jan had never *really* confided in him or asked his opinion. She had been determined to solve everyone's problems by herself. But she was wearing down. She needed his help. She was making no progress with Scratch and he knew that it irked her. After Jenni left with their order Dune leaned forward and said, "I find the whole business with Scratch, Lena and Hitomi really bizarre. And you know that I'm not reffering to the fight they've gotten into recently. I mean...how they managed to wind up at AD. Don't you think it's strange?" 

Jan looked down at her mug, considering how much she could afford to tell him, how much to ask him. What the hell. What point was there in trying to protect herself anymore. It wasn't about her. What she didn't want people to know was that she believed what Van had told her. She believed in Gaea.

After a long pause she said, "It certainly is one of the most interesting cases I have ever taken on. The most frustrating, spooky, baffling case, but interesting none the less. Everything is...so coincidental, so perfectly timed. It's almost.as if it was meant to be, if you believed in such things. Fate, if you would. But tell me, Dune, what do you think?" she asked, throwing all reservations to the wind, "What conclusions have you drawn?" she finished off. He thought about it carefully, weighing what he knew and what he thought was going on. He decided that honesty was the best in this situation. Normally, he hated revealing his family's problems to the rest of the world but...if it would help, then he had no choice.

"In all honesty, I don't know what's going on. Whenever I think about those three I get a migraine the size of Australia. It's like they and their illnesses are one big jigsaw puzzle. The only problem is that more than half of the pieces are missing, and we don't know what the final picture is supposed to be. There's very little that *anyone* knows. They *were* always very secretive as children. I didn't even know they were friends for almost a year. But this is what I know to be true:

"First of all, we know that Scratch, Lena and Hitomi were tight-knit friends before they even stepped foot onto the AD property. I used to babysit them you see. That's why I came to you; I need to understand what happened to the little children that I knew as a teen. I was expected to watch Van, as his older brother, but I soon found myself watching all three of them. They were inseparable. It was alright; I was good with children." He broke off, his face blank, obviously lost in some personal memory.

"How did they meet again?" asked Jan very gently. She knew that when Van had been committed to an asylum he had taken it really rough. He sighed wearily.

"They all met at this summer day care center held at an old church. Lena and Hitomi were the first to become friends, as they were both girls of the same age and similar temperament. Van was an older kid at the camp, and as such he ignored them continually. It was his duty. But one day, he saw that Lena was being unfairly picked on-she had been a chubby child- and he couldn't bear watching her play the role of the underdog. He smashed the boy's nose in. From then on, he became The Protector, following them everywhere, as if he were afraid to let them be alone. And as for Scratch...well...he was different from the beginning. He and his father lived across the street from us, but we rarely saw hide or hair of the boy. Van mentioned that he had seen Scratch watching Hitomi, Lena and himself playing out on the street on several occasions. I guess that one day his curiosity just got the better of him. He joined them, and whatever they were doing was interesting enough to compel him to give up his hermit-like behaviour and make friends. By the end of that summer, they were fast friends. That was nine years ago. They managed to stay quite close, right up until...well...trouble started for all of them." Dune paused, gulping down the rest of the coffee. Then he looked back up at the concerned eyes that were searching his own.

"I don't know much more than that. I will never know why they lost coherency, and eventually became comatose. I don't know why they woke up. I don't-" he stopped, his voice ragged with emotion, trying to bite back the anger and frustration that he felt at having no answers. "Will you tell me anything that you find out? Please?" he asked softly. Jan leaned back and looked at the ceiling, tired of unravelling the mystery of the children's past, yet unable to give up. She was determined to see them live out a good life, including Dune, and if telling him a few things would help the situation, she was willing to do that.

"Well, I'll tell you what I can. I can't tell you what Scratch, Lena or Hitomi say in their appointments, that would be a breach of confidentially, but I can keep you up on the basics." He nodded his head in appreciation.

"It's the timing, Dune, which makes this case so strange. It seems almost impossible that four children would simultaneously lose consciousness. It doesn't make sense. When they were found in a near-comatose state on Hitomi's woodland property five years ago, there was no evidence of a fight, or anything else that would give us a reasonable explanation. There were no physical marks on them, nothing. Some of the townspeople thought they had overdosed on drugs of some sort. There was the slight possibility, but the likelihood of eleven year olds experimenting with serious drugs is unrealistic. Any way, it was later confirmed at the hospital that there were no abnormalities in their bodies. As you know, the testing was extensive." 

He nodded, his eyes closed, his voice strangled. "I remember. It went of for days. Stomach pumping, blood tests, urine tests, everything. It ended finally, and the hospital recommended to our parents that we find other institutions to entrust their children. It was decided that a mental facility would be better equipped to deal with the emotional repercussions of when they woke up. If they woke up that was. Lena was sent to the Riverwood, Hitomi to the Royal, Scratch and Van were sent here." Dune sighed.

"It was terrible for Lena and Hitomi's parents. They loved their daughters so much. My parents just escaped using drugs, but the only one who didn't care was Scratch's father. He seemed to be glad to have Scratch passed over to us. The rest of the parents blamed themselves, each other and anything else they could blame; they gave up on trying to understand long ago. They just wanted their babies back.

"For three whole months, cooked vegetables looked more alive than those four did. The only one who had made any movement whatsoever was Hitomi, when she seemed to wake up for a few short minutes, and then lapsed back into being catatonic. It was only when she really woke up that things began to take shape. She was the first. She was severely drugged, of course, and she didn't make much sense, but the point she kept trying to make the doctors understand was that she had been away; she said she had been on another planet.

"In a matter of minutes, Van, Lena and Hitomi were all awake, confusion and chaos settling in. Other than strange mutterings they made, they were found to be perfectly healthy. After a month or so of observation, during which time a lot of progress was made to steer them back to their original lives, Lena and Hitomi were free to go home. Lena went back to the country side for a couple of rough years. She would refuse to eat for days at a time, and the final straw came when her parents found a noose that she had hidden in her room. They called you, and had her admitted at the AD.

"Hitomi's parents on the other had, moved to the city. They wanted her to be able to start over again, and to have a good life. And she seemed to do just that. From that day on, she never said anything about 'being away' or about her childhood friends. She went to a private school for a few years, until she had a fit and physically harmed a few of the students. That made her parents suspect that she was still under the influence of her past, and to be on the safe side, had her admitted. Van made the most progress. He was able to come to an understanding with his past, and made himself move on. Though he was never really able to explain what had occurred when they were children, he could function in society. I don't really know why Scratch wasn't released. He had been making fairly good progress as well. He just seems to be on a downward spiral now." 

Jan nodded sadly. "I know," she said, "I know that he's been getting worse. I just couldn't let Scratch go home. I had seen the marks that he has, not just the self-inflicted ones, and I wanted to help him escape his father. Legally, his father is untouchable. He would sue for something or another, so the only way to keep Scratch safe was to make him stay here. Maybe that was better anyways. I don't know if it *is* AD making him less stable. But if it isn't, he needs to be here now. As the months fly by, he seems to be displaying more and more violent tendencies. He's a danger to himself and the others around him." Jan looked at her watch. "I have to go, Dune. Thank you for talking, and listening to the ramblings of a sad old woman. Goodbye," she said quickly, and was gone.

Jenni watched in silence as Jan left. She hadn't even stuck around for dinner, but Jan seemed to be upset about something. She hadn't heard their conversation, she wasn't an eavesdropper, but she could guess what it was about. Dune had told Jenni all about his brother's past, and whenever he was thinking of it, his face would look just like it did right then; faraway, sad and tired. He was too old inside. He had seen too much to be a normal man in his mid-twenties. He knew too much. He needed someone to cheer him up.

Dune looked up to see Jenni standing with two steaming plates of food. He smiled apologetically. "Jan had to leave." 

"Well then," she said in a brisk voice, "You won't mind if I join you then." 

He smiled. "Of course not. I would love it." 

"Good," she said as she plopped down across from him, "because it's your treat." 

He chuckled. Typical Jenni. She was always stepping in and making him laugh when he most needed a distraction. "Thank you," he said softly as he reached across and tucked a strand of deep brown hair behind her ear.

Jenn knew what he meant. He needed someone to do this for him. She grinned and pinched his nose. "Any time," she said, meaning it with all of her heart.

Ð Ð Ð

She's taking her time 

Making up the reasons 

To justify all the hurt inside 

Cuz she knows from the smiles and the looks in their eyes 

Everyone's got a dream about the beautiful one. 

-Savage Garden

Scratch *knew* that he was being unreasonable. He hadn't believed it at first, despite Lena's constant whining that he was being unfair. But he had begun to grudgingly accept the fact that he had overreacted to Hitomi's kiss with Van. The knowledge had started very small, not of any consequence whatsoever, and had grown until he *had* to admit his behavior was childish...if only to himself. He wouldn't even tell Lena that though, for she would get this triumphant "I Told You So," look on her face and demand that he go to Hitomi and apologize. He couldn't tell anyone else either. Part of the reason he was so respected- well, respect wasn't exactly the right word- feared him was because he acted without thought, doubt, emotion and most importantly, he felt no remorse. He was desensitized to the people surrounding him. To him, they were less than dirt, waiting to be walked on. He didn't--*shouldn't*--care what Hitomi felt or thought about him. *She* was the one who had gone behind his back, and no matter how childishly he behaved, it did nothing to eradicate the damage that she had left. And yet.there was this doubt, starting like a small grain of sand in an oyster, irritating and rough, growing endlessly inside his head.

He wasn't sure of anything anymore. He had been turned inside out and upside down. Suddenly, he had begun to regret his hasty actions- or lack thereof- towards Hitomi. For once in his life, he realized that there were consequences, feelings, and most uncomfortable of all, guilt. He, *Scratch*, had to face the music, which by rights he should be deaf from!

Guilt was a navel concept to Scratch. He could kill a man without batting an eye. He might press the detonator for a nuclear bomb and not think on it twice. Still, when he looked at Hitomi, it hurt. The feeling inside him was so strong it had become physical; a gripping, tight feeling in his chest that left him bereft of air whenever he saw her.

She would sit in class with the same straight, proud posture, but an alien force had taken over her beautiful face. She would look around, oblivious to her surroundings, face blank and empty, eyes hollow and uncaring. Or even worse was when he would look at her, only to find her features twisted into a gruesome and entirely surreal exhibit of rage and resentment. He longed to see the old Hitomi back, ready to take on the world, make it a better place and believe that he really could feel contentment. And despite his usual scorn for happiness in general, he wanted more than anything else to see her smile. She had not smiled in weeks. It *still* shocked him to see the difference in her appearance. He had found a mass of raven locks surrounding her face instead of golden; dark circles under her eyes that accentuated her new paleness that was only gained by one who cut too much. He had not seen the marks, for Hitomi had been smart enough to wear long sleeves everyday, but he knew that they were there. Scratch probably had identical ones.

Suddenly it hit him. She was his mirror image. A broken warped mirror, but reflective none the less. And *he* had made her into that. His hand had transformed her into what he hated most in all the world: himself. He had done this twice now. First there had been Lena, whose conversion had been a more subtle; a plea for approval, almost. And now Hitomi. Everything he touched turned bad, rotten. Tainted.

It wasn't that he didn't adore Hitomi and love Lena to bits, he did. But they were still.*wrong*. Broken mirrors. He smiled to himself. They say that it's impossible to fix a broken mirror. In the process you crush some of the pieces, and in turn, lose others. It is a futile notion. The mirror would never produce anything but a fragmented, shattered view of what it did before. And he had broken two. Did that mean he would get fourteen years of bad luck? He almost wished he would. Anything to get away from this regret that was eating his insides away.

It was nearly impossible for Scratch to think of anything anymore without ending up back in the same place in his mind. If only he could dismiss her. There might still be an unpleasant feeling of guilt, but maybe he wouldn't feel quite so lost in his own home.

It was her fault, anyways. Maybe that's why he hadn't stopped ignoring her long enough to apologize. God knew that the problem wasn't just being jealous of Van. It pissed him off to know that she could bring out all of the feelings that he had worked so hard to bury. Fear, guilt, pain, attachment.and lust. Lust was the worst. Oh god, how he *wanted* her. He hadn't let himself feel any sort of sexual desire since Van left, for he had quickly banished all unruly thoughts from his mind. But now, he would wake up to sticky sheets and the vague memories of dreaming about *her*.

In his dreams, she came with various changes. Sometimes he would be older or younger than he actually was. Black hair or fair, make up or none, he never dreamt of anyone but her. And his shameful lust didn't end in dreams. To his incredible embarrassment, he would find himself stiff in *class*, just from watching her. She sat in front of him in class, which had it's advantages and it's drawbacks. Unfortunately it made it easier for Scratch to watch her, which had become quite the habit, but luckily for him, she never saw his...rather uncomfortable state.

Scratch loved to watch her. She had a breathtaking sort of clumsy innocence in the way she moved, almost like a woman in the body of a child. The way she moved herself was the *only* thing that hadn't changed about her in the past few weeks. It was an endearing feature. Oh god, how this sickened him. He was turning into sentimental mush. Endearing? God, how cheesy could he get? Well, he couldn't, not even if he were a character from a romance novel. And even worse was the disgusting, sappy flow of fluffy emotions he would horrifyingly discover experiencing whenever he thought about her. He now had to pointedly avoid using the "L" word in his thoughts. It was always on the tip of his tongue, though, and he had to bite it back, forcing himself to remember that love was a four letter word, in every sense.

With all of these things in mind, Scratch continued to add bricks to his carefully constructed defenses. This girl may make him feel and act like a moron, but she was only human. She would fade, as *all* things did when he had a knife in hand. Scar upon scar; brick upon brick. Defenses, comfort, cowardice. Call it what you would, he didn't care. All he knew was that the pain brought him back down to earth and away from the foolish thoughts of happiness that had recently begun to invade his brain. He was unworthy. The red welts were his reminder of that. The blood soiling his clothes was symbolic for the dirt he carried upon his soul. In the red, hot, sensual pain, he found his own personal reality.

Ð Ð Ð

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet 

Now is the time to wipe the spit from my face 

The tears from my eyes I gotta take my life back 

One chance to make it right I will be heard

-Hatebreed

Lena had just settled into reading one of the many books that Jan had loaned her to satisfy her ravenous mind when the door flew open. It hit the wall with a thud, startling Lena into moving from her comfortable position on the bed. She bolted upright, expecting to see Hitomi glowering down at her, and was surprised when she didn't. Instead, standing in the doorway, fists clenched, cheek red and eyes wild stood Scratch. Lena wondered absentmindedly what had made him so angry. Normally he would just shrug people off...or better yet, stab them.

"Well, you *can* come in you know. Unless your feet are nailed to the floor, of course," her tone was sarcastic, but not without humor. The oblivious figure in the doorway blinked and brought himself back from his own little twisted bizarre world of intense hatred. He stomped across the room and flung himself down beside her on the bed. Now that he was this close, Lena could see that his jaw was working furiously; he was so mad he was grinding his teeth. Inwardly she grinned, but she knew better than to let her body follow her mind's example.

"What happened? Why are you so upset?" she asked as she brushed a rebellious strand of hair from his eyes. 

"Upset?" he growled at her, "I'm *not* upset. Pissed of is what I am!" Lena gave him a withering look that plainly said, "And there's a difference where?" He just glared back. 

She sighed with fake exasperation. "Why are you so pissed then?" she said impatiently. 

In response he turned his face to the right to reveal a very angry, red looking welt upon his face. 

Lena's eyes narrowed. "Scratch," she whispered very slowly, enunciating his name, her voice edging on angry, "did you do this to yourself?" 

"Of course not, you idiot!" 

Lena breathed a sigh of relief. If the day ever came when Scratch would mar his own face, it would mean he was too far gone to be saved. His incurable vanity had always kept the razors away from his face, but Lena feared the day that his ego would step aside to the more powerful need to inflict pain on himself.

"Well, how did you get it then? And how are you going to explain it to Jan?" she asked sharply. 

"What do you think?" he sneered at her. Lena shrugged. "The bitch hit me!" he growled, as if it whould have been obvious. 

There was a pause and then Lena said, her voice riddled with confusion, "Excuse me? *Jan* hit you?" 

He stood up, face full of frustration. "Of course not! That bitch fr-" he paused and checked himself. Now why had he wanted to call Hitomi the 'bitch from the Mystic Moon'? Then he remembered he had called her that in a dream once. He shook his head, pushing these thoughts away. Then he sat down again.

"Hitomi hit me." Lena's eyes bulged out as she stared at him, scrutinizing him as if she didn't believe him. Then, quietly at first, she began to chuckle. Soon she was on the floor laughing so hard she was crying. Anger and resentment welled up inside of Scratch until he shouted her down. "You mock me?" he shouted, his voice arrogant and dangerous. 

Lena sat up and shook her head, her body still quivering with laughter. "Not at all," she said between gasps, "It's merely that it would make a wonderful tongue twister. 'Hitomi hit me, Hitomi hit me'!" 

Scratch felt a tugging at the side of lips and he fought to suppress the grin that was threatening to ruin his anger. Looking at him, Lena felt bad for laughing at him and immediately went to him, sitting with her back on his legs, head in his lap. "I'm sorry. Tell me what happened." 

He kept staring at this one spot on the floor, not even breaking eye contact when he spoke. "I saw Hitomi in the halls, and I pulled her aside. I told her that I was sorry for the way I had acted, and that I knew it had been wrong, and would she like to go out for a walk tonight. And...and she slapped me!" 

Lena took his hand. "Scratch?" she asked, her tone soft. 

"Uh-huh?" 

"Look at me Scratch." She said firmly, her tone allowing for no disrespect. His expression softened into a grin when he did. "Scratch, do you mean to tell me that you *apologized*? To a *female*?!" 

He grinned sheepishly and nodded. "I swear," he said only half seriously, "that I don't know how it happened. Watch out, it may be contagious." 

Lena giggled. Then, she stopped to listen. Some noises down the hall had caught her attention. It sounded like a scuffle. She could hear a few of the nurses shouting and a few whimpers of pain. She shrugged. They had probably caught Marly trying to hump the coat stand, something that was strictly against regulations.

Then, for the second time in a matter of minutes, the door burst open, only this time it was done with even more force and violence behind it. A man stood in the room, looking the pair up and down with a sick gleam in his eye the made Lena's skin crawl. Scratch began to shake and he moved back as far as he could, trying to distance himself from the man. Terror had begun to choke him, and he shoved his fist in his mouth, biting down hard. He gave up trying after a few moments though. The man stalked across the room and stood in from of Scratch's shaking body. Then Scratch lost all sense of himself. He was a suddenly a child again as he whimpered, "Daddy?"

Ð Ð Ð

nikomarete...oshimarete

asobarete...kowasarete 

taosarete...fusagarete 

okasarete...korosarete 

Hate me...Pity me 

Tease me...Break me 

Beat me...Stop me 

Violate me...Kill me 

-Camui Gackt

Hitomi couldn't believe Scratch! He had such nerves coming up to her in the halls after ignoring her for almost two months straight. And even worse was that he actually expected that she would accept his apology and that everything would be okay. What a little shit! Well, he deserved what he got. Hitomi didn't regret slapping him, not for one second. The look of shock and hurt on his face when she had slapped him did nothing to sooth the bitter feelings that came with being dropped like a sack of hot potatoes for no apparent reason. It was his fault for being such a prick anyways. If he thought that she would just bend to his every arrogant, self-centered whim- she snorted as the elevator door sprung open.

She decided that when she got to her room, she wouldn't tell Lena about what had happened. She might not find it as satisfying, and amusing, as Hitomi did.

Hitomi admired, in a sort of jealous way, how Lena had managed to stay close with both herself and Scratch during the past couple of months; things had gotten pretty tense around AD. Still, despite the fact that Lena *said* that nothing had changed in her friendship with Hitomi, there were still things that she wouldn't feel comfortable telling Lena. Like how she slapped Scratch a few minutes ago.

Ooh, it had been such a good feeling. She was just itching to slap him again! Her fingers were practically twitching. He had been such a dolt. For fuck's sake, it was the 21st century. It wasn't as if she had slept with either Van or Scratch. If she had, *then* Scratch could have cause to complain. But it had just been a kiss. A mutual exchange of spit. Big woopdi-fucking-deal. Hell, she had kissed Van *before* she and Scratch had, well...Hitomi didn't quite know what had happened that night two moths ago, but she knew that it had been heading in a one stop destination. All aboard, last stop: relationship. Of course it had been going in that direction. Or at least it was, before Marly came along and screwed everything up. Oh, it made Hitomi so mad! She wanted to smash the wall, picturing Marly's face instead of the white paint, when she thought of that *worm* of a human.

Marly must be really desperate to have Scratch back if she had to stoop to such methods to pry Scratch and herself apart. It seemed like she had tried to win points with him for being the tattle tale, being the tragic, misunderstood heroine who just wants to help her hero. And the only way she could manage to make herself look anything better than shit was to turn Hitomi into the fucking demon. If Hitomi was the villain, then Marly had believed that she might actually have a chance with Scratch.

Not that it had done her any good, of course. Even Scratch wasn't stupid enough to fall for that trick. If anything, he may have started to hate Marly even more than before. Well, let the piece of gutter trash have him! Those two bags of scum deserved each other.

Hitomi grinned malevolently as she pictured them together, ten years from now. They would have gotten out of AD by then and have had two children. They would be living in a shack, because both of them were too psychotic to hold down a job for longer than two weeks, and they would both be alcoholics. Marly would be selling her body to support her jobless boyfriend, who would just go out and waste it on drugs and prostitutes. There. Now wasn't that a pretty picture?

Hitomi scowled to herself. Less than two moths ago she would have been shocked and ashamed to be thinking such thoughts about *anybody*, let alone Scratch, who she had desperately cared for then. But now, she *wanted* to make someone pay. She wanted someone to squish beneath the heel of her boot, just like a bug. She felt like a villain, like a bitch. It was an extremely empowering feeling. Her anger gave her the strength to be bad, cruel even, to other people in order to protect herself. Sometimes she would doubt herself and her new found hatred, wondering if it was all uncalled for. But the doubt didn't last long, barely long enough for her latest victim to make it's quick escape, and by the time they had, she had regained her sense, pushing such useless thoughts away.

She hadn't exactly become a bully. She never picked on people senselessly. It was just that if someone pissed her off, she wasn't going to sit back and let them do it again. And, unfortunately for the general populous of Albrecht Durer, most things pissed Hitomi off these days.

Before, when everything was simpler, there was no justification for making others suffer. It was wrong, pure and simple. To hurt was bad, to help was good. Things weren't so straightforward anymore. Nothing was black and white. There was way too much grey clouding Hitomi's vision.

Now Hitomi found herself hurting others perpetually, and although she knew in her head that it was wrong, the delicious feeling she got from it was a rush. She had always been the squashed and now she was the squasher. You'd think that if a kid was picked on, they would grow up to know better than to do the same to other people. Apparently it doesn't work like that.

It wasn't the actual process of hurting others that she enjoyed. She didn't take pleasure in that part of it. It was the power. Finding a person's weakness and exploiting it is the most low, dirty, underhanded thing a person can do. It is also the most exhilarating feeling you could get without using drugs. The person knows what you can do to them emotionally and they fear it. They fear you, and the pain that you could cause them with a few simple words. You could taunt them about their past or their dirty secrets if you are clever enough to pick up on them. Or you could reveal them to others, which was probably the thing they were most terrified of. Either way, if they fear you, they won't even try to touch you. Some call it emotional blackmail. Hitomi called it protection. In any case, it made her feel stronger. She felt in control.

Control. Hitomi was desperate for control. Her whole world was spinning out of orbit, and it had a horribly dizzying effect on her. She found herself hating the world and than wanting to save it. She wanted to hurt others, and then she felt this desperate urge to protect them from being other people's doormats. And the most baffling thing of all was that she hated Scratch more than anything else in the whole world...and all she wanted to do, night and day, was kiss him. Her heart jumped into her throat whenever he was around, though she managed to disguise her feelings by looking haughty and pointedly ignoring him.

But the fact was there. She wanted him and no amount of hurt feelings could change that she found him undeniably sexy. Her physical attraction to him was almost overpowering. It left her weak in her convictions. To herself she could say in a reassuring, calm voice that Scratch was most definitely the villain in her world. But if she took one look at him, suddenly she wasn't so sure anymore. Had she really been that free of blame? And everything would abruptly turn upside down. All of a sudden, *she* was the bad guy. Absolutely no control. It was better to do all things with the intention of being bad. It gave strength and a wall to hide behind if things got too confusing. And even better was the fact that people stopped expecting you to be anything but bad. It was so much easier this way.

Looking around, Hitomi realized that she had been standing in the hall, not moving, for some minutes now. She sighed, knowing that remaining motionless in the middle of the hall would never help the situation. She began to shuffle her way down the hall, her destination as of yet undecided. Staying put might even make things worse.

At the other end of the hall stood Lily, who had been assigned to room checking for the weekend. This meant that she would stand at the elevator for five minutes, then walk up and down the halls, briefly looking into each of the rooms before turning back and resuming her station at the elevator doors. Lily was just on her way back to the elevators when Hitomi began to move away from them. Lilly nodded and smiled at Hitomi as she passed.

Hitomi decided that she had better get back to her room, which was at the opposite end of the hall. It would look bad if she just kept walking up and down the corridor, or even worse, stood for a seemingly endless period of time, just staring off into space. Lily would be sure to mention it to Jan if she saw, and that was the last thing that Hitomi wanted.

So she reluctantly began to shift her way down the passage. One, two, three doors went passed. Life was so dull. There was nothing left to do on a Saturday. Suddenly a voice called out at her. "Hey, Hitomi! Get your angsty ass self in here this instant!"

Hitomi grinned to herself. As much as Bella was just as fucked up as the rest of them, not to mention depressed to the point of having hallucinations, a few words out of her mouth could shake you from any foul mood. Bella just couldn't resist making fun of everyone and everything. So Hitomi moved over to the place where the sound had issued from, leaning against the open doorway.

"Hey, Bella. How's it going?" she asked. 

Bella shrugged noncommittally. "You?" she asked in return. 

Hitomi grinned without humor. "Well, I'm alive, aren't I?" she said pointedly. 

Bella snorted. "Well said. Now, let's cease this detestable chatter. Seeing as our not-so-pleasant pleasantries are out of the way, I suggest we get to the point." As usual, Bella wasted no time in stating her demands. "I want my cuff back, bitch!" Bella growled. Now this was what set Bella aside form others. Despite the fact that she always acted as if she was going to bite your head of, either one of them if you were male, underneath, she was just trying to keep from pissing herself with laughter. She found something to make fun of in almost everything. And despite her harsh criticism of people, it was a refreshing change.

"You'll get it back when you get off your lazy ass and fetch it yourself!" snapped Hitomi. "I won't be your errand girl! Besides," she added in a sly voice, "I like it. The spikes on it are much longer than mine." She looked up at Bella and glared. "And don't you even *think* about turning that into a sick joke, you pervert!" 

Bella grinned, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "Of course not! Me? Make a joke?! Never!" she shouted in mock indignation. Hitomi was about to deliver a biting comeback when a shout from down the hall distracted her. She and Bella simultaneously peered out to see what was going on.

Lily was standing with her arms thrown out on either side of her body, her legs set apart as if bracing against something. Her face was contorted with rage and yelling at the top of her voice to the strange man in front of her. He kept shifting around as if the was trying to get passed her. Bella, who stood very close to Hitomi whispered under her breath, "I don't like this. Something is *wrong*." Hitomi looked back at the scene.

The man was tall, very tall. He could easily beat Dune in height, and he looked about twice as strong. That was saying something. His light blond hair was messy and wild looking as it gleamed under the fluorescent lights of the hospital. Suddenly he stopped moving and for the first time, Hitomi had a clear view of his face.

Something inside of her lurched at the sight. His face was so familiar to her it was eerie. He had an angular face and prominent cheekbones that were covered by a very pale, flawless complexion. His cold eyes shifted to where she and Bella stood. Hitomi gasped, overwhelmed with an inexplicable fear. It left her legs weak and she tried desperately to suppress the nausea that was threatening to take over her body. Who was this man? Why was he here?

He smiled at her, but it did nothing to soften his harsh features. It was a sick smile, like that of a hungry cat who has just found a lame mouse in a corner. Perversion was written all over his features, and it alarmed her.

The blood was pounding in her ears. Some thing was terribly wrong. This man- something horrible was going to happen. She could feel it. Everything else around her faded as the man darted forward and grabbed Lily by the shoulders. He began to shake her up and down with a violence that could not be expressed, a look of glee on his face.

Lily fought back as best she could, kicking and screaming and clawing like a wild cat. Finally, his patience with her wore out and he clubbed her against the temple. Lily's limp body crashed to the floor with a thud. It was a horrible noise, full of crunches, and it seemed to echo in the halls, announcing the oncoming disaster. He paused and made eye contact with Hitomi again.

It was then that it hit her. She *knew* this man. She didn't understand how, but she had seen that face before. He was Scratch's father.

Hitomi felt the ground begin to crumble beneath her feet and the world began to spin. Not stopping to think, she bolted from the doorway. He would follow her, of course. He was expecting her to lead him to Scratch. She was linked to him and somehow he knew it. He could tell, just by looking at her that she was the one person who could lead him to Scratch. And there was no way in hell that she would! She would duck into her room and distract him there. Scratch would still be sulking in his room, annoyed at her for slapping him. In a way it was a good thing that she had. This way, she could protect him. She *would* keep him safe.

Just as she neared the end of the corridor, she looked over her shoulder to check behind her. He was only a couple of meters away from her. She screamed at the top of her lungs, grabbing for the door handle. Before he fingers had the chance to even touch the cold, hard metal a large body-- that *thing's* body-had collided with hers. She was sent flying into the wall, pain shooting through her body. Tears spilling everywhere, she was blinded by the throbbing pain. She heard the door bang open. Thank God Scratch was upstairs. It didn't matter that she was hurt so long as he was upst-

A noise interrupted her thoughts. It was something that made her wilt inside. It was a sound so meaningful and horrible that she felt like she was dying. From inside the room had come a whimper. "Daddy?" He had found Scratch.

Ð Ð Ð

I am ashes

I am Jesus 

I am precious 

Could I be your girl? 

I am worthless sounds 

Compared to all your perfect words 

Could I be your girl? 

-Jann Arden

A noise interrupted her thoughts. It was something that made her wilt inside. It was a sound so meaningful and horrible that she felt like she was dying. From inside the room had come a whimper. "Daddy?" He had found Scratch.

Hitomi felt a wave of guilt sweep over her. She had tried to protect Scratch and all she had succeeded in doing was making things worse. She had done exactly what Corey, Scratch's father, had wanted her to do; she had led him right to Scratch. A sob escaped her lips, but no tears came. She was helpless. There was nothing that she or *anyone* could do to stop him. Lena's bones would break as easily as twigs, Scratch was scared stiff and Hitomi herself could barely see. She *wanted* desperately to be able to just stand up, be strong and save them all, but she couldn't. Fear, pain and self-loathing had taken too much out of her. It was took too much energy to breathe. The world around her was dark and fuzzy. There was something warm and sticky oozing it's way down her back. Blood, no doubt, from where her head had collided with the hard wall. She strained to hear what was going on inside the little room.

"Get out of here," Lena was saying in an all-too-calm voice. "Get out *now*." 

"Or what?" sneered the voice, "You'll throw up on me? Because if I remember correctly, that *all* you're good at." 

"Don't you dare touch him!" There was the sounds of footsteps and of a dull thud. A scream of pain- female- and then Scratch seemed to regain his voice and his wits. 

"You bastard!" he screamed. "How dare you lay a finger on her? You aren't worthy to lick the ground she walks on!" Hitomi tried to blink the fog away from her eyes, knowing that something horrible had happened to Lena. Things were starting to clear. She could see a shape-the doorway. 

"That may be true, my boy, but I'm worthy enough to lick-" 

"Shut up!" 

"Are you going to fight me? Do you want me to be rough?" asked the taunting voice. "Fine." There was a sickening crunch and a howl of pain.

Scratch. He was hurt. That piece of filthy shit had hurt him. Hitomi felt her heart race in her chest as she braced herself against the wall, muscles tense. The edges of the doorway were clearer now, but things were still quite blurred. Good, she thought with satisfaction. Hitomi didn't want to be able to see what awaited her in the room. She pulled her legs up beneath her, ignoring her screaming muscles. She was enraged that Corey had dared lay a hand on *her* Scratch. She planted her hands on either side of her body, fingers spread apart, resting her weight on them.

There were more sounds of violence and fighting coming from inside the room. Hitomi used a sudden sharp cry from Scratch as her cue. Not a second had passed after the guttural sound had issued from his lips before she had launched herself with all of her strength through the open doorway and onto the startled Corey. The force of her weight knocked him to the ground. She began to tear at his face and throat, going for the most vulnerable parts of him, struggling to stay on top of him.

He growled at her. "I thought that I took care of you, Kanzaki," he muttered. Hitomi was too busy trying to clear her pounding head and fight Corey all at the same time to notice that he knew here last name.

He flipped her underneath him and began to punch her mercilessly. Blood seemed to leak out of her entire body. Time slowed down. Surely she had been there, feeling the pounding of his fist against her body, for hours now. Why hadn't someone come to help them? Where was everyone? She was just about to abandon the idea of fighting back when a sharp, blinding pain rocked her body. The bastard had broken her wrist! Hitomi opened her eyes again, adrenaline and the instinct to preserve herself giving her the energy she needed to retaliate. Before she had a chance to try, though, someone else stepped in for her.

"Get off of her this *instant*!" roared a man's voice from the doorway, the tone more filled with hatred and disgust than Hitomi had ever heard. She had never heard Dune like this before. Scratch's father continued to brutalize her body as if he hadn't even heard Dune. "I said get off!" growled Dune, his voice more dangerous now. 

"Or you'll do what, exactly?" asked the overly-confident voice. 

Dune decided to tell the truth. In a voice so calm and serious it was almost frightening he said, "I will shoot you dead."

The onslaught of hits paused and in that time Hitomi looked up. Dune was standing behind Scratch's father, gun held to Corey's head, finger on the trigger, ready and waiting to pull. His face was livid. Ever so slowly, Corey raised his hands, showing that he surrendered. When he thought that Dune had relaxed, he swung around with frightening speed and used his arms to knock him over. Instantly Dune was up again, for he had expected such an action from Corey. Without hesitating for a second, Dune applied the little pressure that was needed and shot Corey in the foot.

Corey screamed in agony and bent over, fingers clasped around his bleeding foot. Dune took this opening to smash the butt of the gun into Corey's head as hard as he could. As the man crumpled to the floor, Hitomi realized that she could now move without fear of being noticed and beaten again. As Dune checked to ensure that Corey was in fact unconscious, Hitomi made her way over to where the bodies of her friends lay in a crumpled heap. She began to shake them with her good arm, desperate to wake them up, to know that they were alright.

A strong pair of hands pulled her away. "Sshh. They'll be alright," Dune said this over and over again like a mantra in a soft, reassuring voice as he pulled her into his arms, careful to avoid hurting her wrist. 

"Promise?" she whispered, her voice breaking with emotion and fear. She felt him nod. Dune's promise was good enough for her. She leaned into him, and then she began to sob uncontrollably. Together she and Dune sank to the ground, neither of them able to handle the emotional strain of the events any longer. As they waited for the police and the ambulance to arrive, Dune sat rocking the still sobbing Hitomi back and forth in his arms. He prayed, fervently, desperately to any god that was out there that he could keep his promise to her. He prayed that they would all be alright.

Ð Ð Ð

kono doko made mo tsuzuku shiroi daichi wa fukaku mata ochiteyuku boku wa dare ni mo iyasenai 

Deeply in this endlessly continuing white earth I'm still falling and cannot be healed by anyone

sono chiisana karada o tsutsumu you ni sekirei no yasashisa ni dakare... 

Like being enveloped in that small body I'm embraced by the wagtail's kindness... 

-Gackt

Hitomi was sick of hospital beds, it almost made her want to puke. Or, better yet, kill the imbecile that invented them. They were designed *specially* to make you feel more sick than you actually were, not to mention the horrible sensation that you were being held prisoner in some sort of penitentiary. All medical hospitals had beds like this. They were cold and hard, and had horrible restraining belts on either side of the mattress. Even at AD they didn't have those. A narcoleptic would have a hard time getting a decent night's rest on one of these slabs of metal. And Hitomi *didn't* have narcolepsy.

She had spent the night in the "local" hospital. Local her ass. It was a two hour drive in an *ambulance*. But it was the best medical health center to be found...anywhere. When they had arrived at the *other* hospital, they had looked so badly beaten that they immediately put them in a second ambulance and shipped them off here. She couldn't blame them really. A low budget, overcrowded hospital does *not* want to deal with one giant bloody mess of torn muscle, broken bones and horribly twisted limbs. God, all she wanted to do was go home.

Then it hit her. AD had become her home. It was where she felt at peace. When she had been in AD before, the sole purpose of her life was to get out again, to experience the real world, get her life back on track. Suddenly that idea had been broken, and was replaced by something else. The horror of what had happened to them all only yesterday kept playing over and over again in her head. And being here, in the supposed "real" world that was outside of AD...it made her just want to crawl back into a little hole and hide forever.

She didn't want to leave AD. As bizarre as that sounded, there was something that, until she had been dragged away from it, she hadn't even noticed. There was an underlying feeling that *this* was where she was supposed to be. Not in some career, not as a high school student, not as a mother. It was like fate had brought her to AD because that was where she was meant to stay. Hitomi had readily accepted this. It wouldn't be torture to stay there. She would have people to talk to that *actually* understood her. She had her closest friends there. Bella, Tamara, Lena...and Scratch. She wanted to stay with Scratch more than anything else. She felt tied to him. Her soul was a reflection of his. She couldn't help but hurt inside when he was suffering. Yesterday, seeing him crumpled on the floor, whimpering in pain, and most of all, primal terror, it had made Hitomi want to die.

In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, Hitomi had stayed wide awake. She didn't want to close her eyes, for fear that everything would suddenly and mysteriously stop. Everything. She had just lay there on the stretcher between Scratch and Lena, gripping their hands so hard that had they been conscious, they would have complained endlessly. She felt like she was holding the life in them by their hands, and if she let go, even for a moment, their souls would slip away into nothingness, never to come back.

Scratch had seemed so lifeless, so empty, that a horrible void began to grow inside of her, this vacuum without feelings. Something in her had shut down. She no longer felt hope. It was the numbness to anything positive. She wouldn't have been surprised if they *had* died in that ambulance, on some God forsaken empty highway.

She tried to look back and remember what the exact sequence of events had been, but the images that flashed before had no definite order; everything was blurred beyond recognition. The room didn't even look like hers. The pictures became less and less frequent and coherent the more she tried. She could remember almost nothing of when the police and ambulance had arrived. She didn't even know where they had taken Corey. All she saw, over and over again in her head, was the gleam in his eyes at he looked at her from down the hall and the sick, snake-like voice he used when he had said, "I'm good enough to lick-"

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. Thank God, for it was a new day, and she wanted nothing more than to get yesterday's events out of her mind. She was decent, the hospital had given her some actual nightclothes that *weren't* see-through. But she was hesitant about seeing anyone. She should though, if only to see who it was. Jan would want to talk to her, if it *was* her at the door. So would Dune. In fact, she couldn't remember seeing *either* of them after the police arrived. She shrugged to herself. They were probably making statements against Corey as she lay there.

Jan had probably stayed away this long for a good reason, and Hitomi wasn't in the mood to fret over every little thing that happened. She wished that one of them would come, though. They might have news of Lena and Scratch. As the nurses bustled in and out all night, none of the many could tell her anything about her friends. She had just sat there all night, staring at her unspoiled white cast, wishing that something would happen. A second, louder knock made Hitomi realize that she had just been sitting there, thinking, and *ignoring* the person behind the door for almost a minute now.

"Come in!" she called out. The door opened slowly, and there was a pause before her guest stepped into view, as if they were hesitant. As a pair of heavily lashed brownish red eyes peered around the door at her, widening as they saw her, and the face came into full view, Hitomi felt her heart sink three feet closer to the ground, out of both happiness and apprehension. It was Van.

She quickly sat up. She waved him over to the seat closest to her, but he didn't even budge. His eyes were transfixed on her. His face wore an expression of bewilderment.

"I said, get you're non-existent ass in here this moment, Van Fanel! Stop standing there. People will think that you've grown roots or something!" she said in mock annoyance. He grinned wryly and moved over to the chair. Instead of sitting in it though, he moved it over so it was right beside the bed and he could face Hitomi. Then he sat down.

With his face only two feet away from hers, Hitomi could now see things that she hadn't before. His hair was messy and uncombed. His eyes were full of sleep they were red, as if he had been crying or hadn't gotten any sleep at all. Maybe both. His lower lip was swollen and irritated looking, and she could see bite marks on it. Hitomi felt a wave of affection for him. He must have been really worried about them.

"I can't believe that you're here, Van. Why- how are you here so quickly? You live days away!" Hitomi's eyes widened as Van reached over and took her hand in his, entwining his fingers in hers and kissing the tip of her thumb. It was an incredibly intimate gesture for someone who had only met her once in his life, but for some reason, Hitomi didn't particularly mind. When she was with Van, she felt like he had *always* spoken to her with affection and kissed her hand. It was like he was *supposed* to do that when they were together. And, to her immense relief,*none* of his fond behaviors to her contained any sexual connotations that she could pick up.

When Van spoke, his voice was hoarse and tired. "Dune called me while you three were on your way to the hospital yesterday. I immediately hopped a plane and got ever here. I had to go see Dune first and find out exactly what the situation was, but I arrived here about two hours ago." He smiled wryly and said with an odd twinge in his voice, "I couldn't just leave my three fledgling lunatics in the incompetent hands of the general population, now could I?" Hitomi chuckled.

"Have you had the chance to see Scratch or Lena yet?" asked Hitomi eagerly. She was positively *itching* to see them. And if she couldn't see them she would have to settle for second best; she *had* to know how to were doing.

Van shook his head. "Unfortunately not. Scratch and Lena were sedated almost as soon as they got here. They only just woke up this morning and are still being tested for medical abnormalities. The staff is 'unsure as to their state (both mentally and physically) and cannot give you a precise time as to when they will be available to visitors,'" he said in a high pitched voice, obviously mocking some rather stuck up nurse or doctor that had thought it their responsibility to shoo Van away.

"Luckily," he continued in jovial tone, "I am not easily swayed. I was such a thorn in their sides that they just *had* to tell me where to find you. I don't think that they could have stood me for a second longer."

Hitomi chuckled. It was so relaxing, just sitting here and chatting with Van. She had missed being able to laugh when Scratch was angry at her. And vice versa of course. Hitomi intended to rectify that situation as soon as she saw Scratch.

She knew that by all rights, she *should* be miserable and terrified of everything, but she wasn't. She felt strangely elated at that moment. Assuming that Scratch and Lena were fine, everything was good for her. She could get to talk to Scratch again, and everything would being to move forward again. Hitomi wanted nothing more than to put yesterday's events behind her for good. There was something in the air that just made her want to laugh. Or maybe it was whatever drugs they had forced down her throat starting to kick in. Whatever it was, Hitomi was sure that Van's presence helped.

There was a silence, and Hitomi felt herself being to squirm under Van's intense gaze. Why was he looking at her like that? He just kept staring at her. He was barely even blinking. Hitomi cleared her throat pointedly. Van blinked, as if startled, and then flushed in embarrassment at being caught staring.

"Van?" she asked, her voice so low it was almost a whisper. 

"What was that all about?" He reached out and touched her face ever so gently. His calloused fingers soothingly brushed over her cheek. "You look so different from when I last saw you that- well, it was a bit of a shock to see you like this. I hadn't really mentioned it before because I had other things on my mind, but just now, it became so obvious, it was hard not to stare."

It was true. She looked entirely different from the last time that she had seen him. Almost a different person. Her face was sickly pale and her cheeks seemed drawn in. There were dark smudges around her eyes and on her lips where the doctors had made a futile attempt to remove her makeup from yesterday. There were grey streaks down her face, marking the paths her tears had taken down her face, and she was covered with horrible, swollen bruises. Her lips were split and dark. It was a horrible sight, and her black hair made the bruises look even more prominent than they normally would have.

Hitomi looked at him, puzzled. Sure, she had black hair now, but that wouldn't change her all that much, would it? Then, for the first time that she could remember, she got out of bed. Her limbs were stiff and sore as she padded her way across the cold floor, but it felt good to be up, none the less. She flicked on the bathroom light and shrieked. Hitomi whirled around to look at him, her eyes wild and frenzied.

"I can't believe you've seen me in a state like this! I look horrible! I look like a corpse!" she wailed. Van took his cue. He knew better than to stick around a female who was agonizing over her looks. He stood up and headed for the door.

"Well, I have a phone call to make. How about you get yourself cleaned up a bit and then we can take a walk together. Maybe we can ask the doctors about seeing Scratch and Lena." Hitomi nodded, grateful that Van understood that she needed a little time to herself now.

He had his hand on the door and was about to leave when he abruptly turned around and crossed the room to where she stood in a few quick strides. He gathered her small, bruised body up in his arms and whispered in her ear, "I am so glad that you're alright." Then he gave her a chaste kiss on the forehead and he was gone. Hitomi smiled herself as she turned on the shower. For some reason, no doubt silly and childish, the knowledge that Van really cared for her set her body tingling with a strange warmth. She felt kind of fuzzy inside. Now all she had to do was hold on to that feeling and not let the bad ones worm their way inside. Well, that and get this gunk off of her face. It was one thing to look Goth. It was another thing entirely to look like shit.

Ð Ð Ð

Place of silence, moving shadows

Crimson eyes are strangely gleaming in the darkness

Madness starting to awake

Playful desire starving of blood

Get down limitless night

Beast of Blood

-Malice Mizer

Van hung up the phone, a horrible anxiety settling into the bottom of his stomach. This was bad. Worse than Van could have imagined was possible when Dune had called him. He closed his eyes wearily and rested his head against the payphone in front of him. He just wished that this had never happened. He *needed* his brother to be alright with a fervor that was unlike him.

"Van!" He looked up to see Hitomi about twenty meters down the hall from him, waving her good arm cheerily. He smiled at her and waved at her, indicating that she should come over to where he was.

She looked so much better now. Her face had lost it's grayness and sick pallor. The hot water from the shower had flushed it a little, so she looked as one would if they had stood outside in the winter. Her green eyes looked so much more alert and alive without the dark rings around them making her look like a raccoon. She was still wearing the same hospital pajamas, but she had rolled up the pants and tied the shirt at the sides so that it didn't look like she was going to drown in fabric. Her glistening black hair had been pulled back into a tight braid which was slung over her shoulder. Van took it as a good sign that she had reacted so badly to her own appearance. If she could get so upset over such a trivial thing after yesterday's events, she must be coping really well.

Hitomi was now standing beside him. "Who were you talking to?" she asked him as they moved away from the phone and towards the waiting room adjacent to ward.

"Jan," he answered shortly, not wanting to talk about it. 

"Oh," said Hitomi, looking hurt. Van instantly regretted being so short with her. He took her elbow in his hand and began to steer her towards another hallway. She wasn't supposed to be out of bed, but now that she was, they might as well go somewhere.

"Where are we going, Van?" Hitomi was still slightly miffed and Van could tell. Not slowing down for a second he said, "I want to find out if we can see Scratch or Lena." He took a look at her through the corner of his eye. "Look, Hitomi, I'm sorry for my tone just a second ago. I'm just worried about something and I didn't think that it was a good idea to tell you about it. You've already got enough to worry about without burdening you with this." Contrary to what Van had hoped, Hitomi stopped dead in her tracks.

"What do you mean?" she asked, enunciating every word clearly and slowly as if he was deaf. He tried to propel her further down the corridor but she stood firm, refusing to budge. 

"Please, Hitomi-" his tone was beseeching. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what is going on, Van Fanel!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. Van looked around anxiously to see if anyone was coming to take Hitomi back to her room. 

"Hitomi, be quiet!" he hissed. "You're not allowed to be out of bed and if we get caught, the doctors will have my head! We can't let them see you!"

Hitomi promptly began to scream with all her might, "Black socks, they never get dirty, the longer you wear them the stronger they-"

"Alright, alright! I'll tell you!" he roared. Suddenly the hall was filled with a growing silence. The lack of screaming consumed the hall as Hitomi stood looking up into Van's face with big innocent eyes as if she had never done anything bad in her life. "If I tell you, will you be satisfied, you little wench?" he growled at her, only half angry.

"Yep."

In a calmer voice he added, "Just…keep walking. I'll tell you as we go. We don't want to get caught now do we?" Hitomi complied as if she had *never* intended to get him caught. She was so exasperating at times.

Van seemed to know where he was going, because he walked with a knowing step, as if he had been down this hall a billion times and there was nothing that could possibly surprise him about it. Hitomi on the other hand, had never been in this hospital in her entire life, but she didn't want to look like an idiot, so she just followed Van's lead.

After a few moments he spoke. "Remember that I am telling you this strictly against my will." 

"Yeah, yeah. Just get on with it," she urged. 

He sighed. "I'm sure that you've been wondering why Jan and Dune haven't been able to visit you guys yet, huh?" he asked, his voice strangely labored. 

"Yeah, actually," Hitomi replied, "It's so unlike them to not care. They're always at AD. It's like our mental stability is the only important thing in their lives, they usually care that much." 

"Well, it's not because they don't care," snapped Van. "Jan will be up here as soon as she can. She might even be here sometime this evening. But Dune...he-" a horrible dread settled upon Hitomi. Her stomach tried to climb up her esophagus. Van seemed barely able to continue. He was so overwhelmed with emotion; disgust and...pain?

Something was really wrong. There was something the matter with Dune.

Of course, Hitomi had *known* Dune before yesterday. He was always at AD. Every single blooming day. In the halls, in the caf, outside of class, and of course helping Jan with every group therapy session. He was a great listener, not to mention incredibly smart. Whenever Hitomi was falling behind in math or science class, it was Dune that she went to for help. He was amazing with teens, always making them feel older, more mature and more *sane* than they actually were. He was a friend. And most importantly, he had guts. He had saved them all yesterday. He had succeeded where Hitomi and had tried to save Scratch and Lena, and failed, ending up getting pretty beaten up herself. Luckily for them- no. It hadn't been Lady Luck. It was Dune's quick thinking and his amazing understanding of how the human brain worked that had saved them. That and a 24 caliber pistol. *Now*, she no longer respected Dune. She worshipped him. And she knew, intuitively that something horrible had happened to him. That was why Van had been late in seeing her. He had to-

Hitomi grabbed Van's arm and jerked him back so hard he almost fell over. "Tell me," she growled, her voice powerful and imposing, "Tell me what happened to Dune this instant!"

Van looked at her for a moment, his eyes burning, hating the world at large. Then he said, "Alright! Dune's been arrested for attempted manslaughter. Now let's keep moving!" he snarled as he grabbed her shoulder and began to push her down the hall. Surrendering to the feelings of grief and shock that overwhelmed her she allowed herself to cry in horrible chocking sobs until Van stopped, pulling her into his arms. Somehow, she felt responsible for Dune's imprisonment. She always managed to fuck things up.

Ð Ð Ð

It was me and a gun 

And a man on my back 

And I sang "Holy holy" 

As he buttoned down his pants 

-Tori Amos

Hitomi sat in one of the cheaply cushioned plastic chairs that were firmly attached to the walls of the waiting room. She had her head supported by one arm and the other hand was picking idly at a tear in the garish orange seat beside her.

There were only five other people who were in the waiting room. There was a woman who was the size of a mammoth, her lips decorated with a tasteless hot pink lipstick and her face was drowning in foundation that was too dark. She kept battering her poor husband who was sitting beside her with her polka dot purse. They were waiting to be able to visit their daughter, who was in the hospital because she was a mild anorexic.

The husband seemed a rather meek creature, nodding his head and murmuring passive and docile remarks in the suitable pauses in his wife's continuous rant and complaints about her husband, the doctor, the hospital and the world in general. Hitomi felt her heart go out to the daughter. Poor creature.

A young secretary sat behind a desk with a phone cradled on her shoulder, her brightly painted mouth rapidly moving up and down with every crack of bubblegum. She had the appearance of one who wasn't quite the brightest bulb in the box. On the desk, overtop of a pile of disorganized files, her long fingers were spread out so that she could paint them with more precision.

Van stood talking with the doctor in the open doorway into the "Mental Health" corridor which was adjacent to the waiting room. He was biting his lower lip again; a sign that he was under great stress. His fists were by his side, clenched so that his knuckles were plainly visible as white spots. He took a step closer to the doctor, deliberately invading the other man's space. His mouth was moving, so Hitomi supposed that he was uttering some quiet threats, but she couldn't be sure because his voice was no more than a mumble across the room. Van had said to her earlier that he wanted to see Scratch and Lena and he was damned if some pompous ass doctor who cheated his way through university was going to stand in his way.

Hitomi let her thoughts wander back to the rest of the conversation with Van in the hall. He had released some of his anger by raging up and down the halls while Hitomi was too shocked to say anything. Quickly forcing himself to calm down, he took Hitomi's hand in his and began to work his way across the hospital once more.

He proceeded to explain the situation to Hitomi. Being more artistically inclined, she didn't quite understand all of the legal jargon, but what it boiled down to was this: an innocent, brave man was being wronged. He should receive a medal for his bravery and instead the law was punishing him. It made Hitomi sick.

Corey was being charged with physical assault and attempted rape. He *could* have been charged with attempted murder, but he was a smooth talker, immediately playing up how he was a victim to Dune's violence and "unprovoked" attack with a gun. He was knowledgeable in the ways of the law. He knew which rules could be twisted to his advantage. He shifted the whole story to something completely different. Now, Dune was being charged for attempted homicide along beside the attempted rapist Corey.

At first, Hitomi couldn't even see what grounds Corey had to charge Dune with. Van explained it all to her in a weary, strained voice that made her want to just wrap her arms around him and tell him that everything would be alright.

Dune had shot Corey in the foot after uttering a death threat. That was all the material they needed to lay a case against him. This could be really serious if Corey's lawyer was a quick thinker and played his cards right. They could claim that it was only by misfortune that Dune missed when he shot Corey in the foot. They could say that he had tried to kill Corey and had merely missed. If Dune tried to argue that it was merely self defense, this statement would be waved away immediately. Corey would find a way around that. He would tell the judge that he hadn't so much as looked at Dune, which was true, before he had threatened Corey. As for protecting Scratch and Lena, it was not his legal responsibility. He should not have taken the law into his own hands. Corey would say all these things and more when they were to be brought before court in a month.

This alone was infuriating. The thought of that *slime ball* even daring to say these things about Dune made her want to kill something. But the thing that made her blood positively boil was the fact that if both accused men were found guilty, Corey would get off with as little as five years in a penitentiary…and Dune would be imprisoned for life. She could only thank the gods that they weren't in the United States. At least in Canada they weren't as barbaric as to kill innocent people.

Hitomi felt a pounding, burning rage rise from within her. It was as unbidden and reflexive as bile in one's throat. She tried to choke it down. The blood was thudding in her head and the noises that surrounded her…the woman's high-pitched squawks of contempt and the man's soft, pathetic grunts, the sound of feet pacing back and forth across the shiny floor, every once in a while the soles on linoleum would elicit a rubbery squeak. The senseless chatter of the secretary and the nerve shattering crack of bubblegum…all of these sounds an more blended together to form this nightmare symphony from hell. It kept playing over and over in her head like a broken record.

The tiles beneath her feet began to shift, making images before Hitomi's very eyes. She stared at the ground, watching as the black and white miracle tiles moved like molten lava to form the image of Scratch, prostrate on the ground, then of an old fashioned balancing scale. The last image had a sinister quality to it; a sense of foreboding. It was a set of bars, and behind them was a face. It was barely recognizable to be-

Van's hand on her shoulder started Hitomi from her world where everyday sounds drove her crazy and she could rely on floor patterns to predict the future.

"How are you holding up, chicklet?" he asked tiredly as he sat down beside her. The chair made a soft creak as he leaned back as far as he could and closed his eyes. He was exhausted. They both were.

"Alright, I guess. A little scared," she added in a soft voice. Van opened his eyes a crack and looked at her through the corner of his eye. His lips moved slightly, changing his expression from weary to a small, reassuring smile.

"What did the doctors say?" asked Hitomi. She felt her eyes beginning to get heavy from lack of sleep. Van yawned.

"They said that we could wait here if we wanted to see them, but they didn't know when that would be." He grimaced at the thought of waiting in this empty, boring place for hours at a time.

"So we stay?" asked Hitomi hopefully. She wanted to be here the second that Lena and Scratch were allowed to see her. Van grinned at her, touched and amazed, not for the first time, by the love that Hitomi felt for Scratch and Lena.

"We stay," he said firmly. Then, looking like a small child, he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "For now," he continued with drowsy words, "I suggest we get some rest. I'm beat."

"Movement passed unanimously." Van stretched out his long legs, moving around to make sure that he would be comfortable. He quickly settled himself and seemed to doze off.

Hitomi had more difficulty finding a restful position. She twisted her neck this way and that, trying to find a comfortable position for sleeping. After several minutes of shuffling around, Van sighed, exasperated.

"If you stretch your body out along those chairs there and use my legs as a pillow, at least one of us might actually be able to get some sleep. And by that I mean me. You are making way too much noise," he complained.

Hitomi was surprised. That was the type of thing she was used to doing with Lena or Bella, not with people that she had only me twice, even if it *was* Van. Hitomi looked up at Van for reassurance and found none from his sleeping face. The ball was in her court. She shrugged inwardly. If Van was alright with it, who was she to fuss? Settling herself down, she looked up at his blank, sweet face and smiled.

Ð Ð Ð

Underwater, I wrote drowning 

I used to be such a good good swimmer 

But for now my head is in the clouds 

I'm a silly love song 

A silly banging knee song 

-Teagan and Sara

Standing in front of the coffee machine, his finger pressed against the little red flashing button, Van waited for his cup to fill. His let his thoughts wander.

He had left Hitomi back in the waiting room. Van had woken up only a few minutes ago and found himself with a unpleasantly dry, sticky mouth and his stomach eating it's way through his spine. That's when he remembered that he hadn't had enough time to eat for almost two days. He had been too busy hopping and transferring planes, calling lawyers, discussing with his brother and Jan, and now staying at the hospital to think about such trivial matters as staying alive.

Hitomi had been sleeping, so he gently moved her head from his lap and onto the little plastic chair where he had sat. He had found himself this little self-serve cafeteria a floor down and decided that Hitomi would probably be in desperate need of some food and a little java.

Hitomi had been so tired earlier. No one could blame her. She had witnessed many shocking things since she had come to AD, and more than ever in the past few days. She was probably spending all of her energy on mastering the hard-learned gift of repression. It would offer her some temporary relief from whatever she was experiencing. Van wasn't going to be the one to tell her that in a few years she would realize that repression only fuels your unhappiness. He had only discovered this recently and knew that if someone had told him before he was ready to discover it himself, he probably would have had a fit. Everyone knew, somewhere deep inside their subconscious what they needed right there and then to keep functioning. If Hitomi needed time to distance herself from the events of the past few days, he wouldn't be the one to stand in her way.

His relationship with Hitomi was an enigma to him. Emotions, hormones and morals fought against each other for dominance whenever he was in her presence. He knew in his heart that she wasn't the one he wanted. He understood that without a doubt.

He objected to his desire for something more than friendship with Hitomi for more than one reason. The first and most obvious reason to avoid a relationship was the age gap. He was twenty one and she was still just a child who was struggling to understand herself, let alone try and deal with such mature emotions. It would be unfair for her if they were in a relationship together. She might feel pressured by his age to do *physical* things that she wasn't ready for. That was the last thing that Van wanted her to do.

Another obvious reason to never even *think* of her in that way was Scratch. Van had been told all about the way that Scratch had reacted to Hitomi kissing another guy, and they hadn't even started dating. It hadn't surprised Van in the least. After all, he had dated Scratch as well. Well, you couldn't exactly *date* someone when you were locked up in an insane asylum, but there were *other* things you could do.

An impish grin flitted over Van's face. He and Scratch had always had a blast in those days-whether in bed or out. But they just weren't suited for each other. Scratch was jealous and possessive. Van was argumentative and exasperated with Scratch all the time. But it still could have worked out it if hadn't been for this one, huge gap between their mentalities. Van knew that you could love someone without wanting to hurt them. Without hating them. Scratch just couldn't grasp that concept. His world revolved around anger. He caused others pain so that he wouldn't feel his. Van had gotten sick of it.

Despite the fact that Scratch was only two years younger than Van, he was so very, very immature sometimes. When calm, Scratch was the most intelligent, well-spoken philanthropist that ever graced the earth. Get him angry or worse yet, jealous, and he could be likened to a spoiled toddler who was having a temper tantrum.

The final blow to their relationship had come when Jan had announced to Van that he was free to leave Albrecht Durer. She told him with a real true smile that he was now considered to be stable. He could exist and *live* in the everyday world now.

Telling Scratch had been the hardest thing Van had ever done. The younger boy, still only seventeen then, didn't-*couldn't* understand that Van really was cured; that he was different from Scratch. He had uttered over and over again that Van couldn't be leaving-he was supposed to be just as crazy as Scratch! Van had shook his head and sighed, knowing very well that no explanation he gave to Scratch would satisfy the resentful teen. And yet, he felt he owed it to him. Van had, after all, been the one to call things off. Even now, two years later, Van still felt a pang of remorse when he thought abo ut the way he had left Scratch.

He had told Scratch in a calm, clear voice that, yes, Van was just as crazy as Scratch, but he was different too. He had cleared away all the tangles in his mind. He could see things now that he couldn't have possibly have seen before. Like that all the people in AD really *were* sick. He more than knew what his own problems were, he *understood* them.

Scratch had told him to shut his face if the only thing that he could say was brainwashed bullshit. He turned away from Van, making his meaning clear. It was over.

They never spoke of their relationship now. They played a game called Let's Pretend. It was a verbal dance, trying to be polite, friendly, informal, yet avoiding all the dangerous subjects as if they were the plague. Van made sure that they were never in close physical contact for long. It was bizarre, he knew, but even after all this time, he still didn't trust himself around the boy.

Scratch had a malicious charisma that drew people to him everywhere he went, and even if they knew what a little demon he could become, just like Hitomi and Van did, they were still trapped in this irresistible pull. He was a born leader. He had more disturbed magnetism than Hitler himself. And like Hitler, he knew what he wanted, and no matter how cruel it was, he went to any lengths to get it. Scratch had this insatiable hunger inside of him, like at the center of his being was the yawning void. Van had been relieved when he left. It meant that he would never have to try and fill Scratch ever again. He had wanted to fix Scratch so much, but it would take more than Van's imperfect hands to make Scratch heal.

He also knew that despite all of Scratch's viciousness, Hitomi could hold her own against him. That was something that Van never did. He always gave into the boys' whims. Van knew deep down that he was weak; Hitomi was strong. It was clear who should be with who.

There was a strength of will inside Hitomi like he had never before seen. It shone through her carefully crafted mask of ordinariness in everything that she did. If anyone could move Scratch to become a little more...humane, it was Hitomi. Somewhere, deep down, Lena and Van had always known that she would stand tall- and that her shadow would encompass all of them.

When they had first discovered Gaea and it was still a novelty to them, it was Hitomi who they had pegged as the hero. It was clear, even from childhood that she was the Princess in shining armor, sword brandished in one hand, the other callously flipping the bird to Van and Scratch, their parents and the world at large. Not that any of them except for Van remembered Gaea now...

"That'll be $15.49, deary," said an old, feminine, rather nasal voice. Van looked up surprised. He had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed what he was doing. He had picked up random packaged goods off of the cafeteria shelves and deposited them at the cash register. He had ended up with almost a grocery bag of junk food. He shrugged to himself as he put the money on the counter and he handed him his change. She bagged the food and gave it to him, smiling. He must have looked kind of upset.

He felt like taking a walk. He would just take the long route back to the waiting room; he didn't want to get lost and Hitomi wouldn't want her coffee cold. He set off, bags in hand and began to retrace his thought patterns to figure out where he had left off.

Ah. Hitomi was a sweet girl, no doubt, and whenever she was around, Van felt an overwhelming urge to-to what? That was part of his problem. He didn't know or understand what he wanted when he was around Hitomi. He wasn't going to risk experimenting to find out though.

All of the feelings that he thought he was experiencing were probably just residue from what Van and Jan have coined as "The Gaea Incident". In Gaea, he had loved Hitomi, and she him. After all, they *were* the good guys there. They had played the roles so often that Van found it hard to uncover who he really was anymore.

Besides, Gaea was their reality *then*. It was nothing more than a hazy memory now- not even that. No matter how real it had been back then, it had nothing to do with their lives here and now. They had been younger then, but this was where they belonged. After all, in reality, there *were* no bad guys- except for that rodent, Corey- just misunderstood people. Another thing that was different here was how it felt like everything- the *entire world* was on the backburner so that Scratch and Hitomi could live in the lime light. It seemed like it didn't matter what anyone else did- that was their business- but anything that they felt and did was trivial and insignificant to what Hitomi and Scratch were experiencing.

They had that power in them. There was this commanding force, not only in their personalities, but in *them*, as a couple. Everything they felt and saw was magnified a thousand times. It could easily be said that the words passion, rage, fervor, obsession and infatuation had been invented *just* to describe them. They were always in one extreme or another. Van had sensed this, even in Florida, when Lena spoke of them with the crackle of bad reception muffling her voice. It was who they were, and Van wouldn't change it for the world. Although it was annoying that they were so wrapped up in their own twisted little world to notice the people around them, and Van wasn't the only person who felt that way. Lena did too.

Lena was the last, but most important reason why Van would never pursue anything more beyond friendship with Hitomi.

The way he felt about Lena was too hard to explain, even to himself. He cared about her, naturally. They were best friends. But then again, Hitomi and Scratch were also his best friends and he never felt the comfort with them that he did when he was with Lena.

It had been creeping up on him slowly, this strange affection he had for the girl. It had taken him years to realize that his friendship with Lena was special. Some might just argue that it was the hormones of a young man seizing his brain. Perhaps they would say that he only cared because she was beautiful, if too thin for her own good. Van knew in his head that she was one of the most gorgeous girls he had ever seen, but it just didn't register in his heart. It wasn't for looks or sex appeal that he loved her company. In all honesty, he wouldn't care if she weighed four hundred pounds. He didn't care if things ever progressed in *that* direction either. Lena was just Lena, and he needed nothing else from her.

On the flight from Florida, all he could think about was how fragile she was, and how he missed talking with her face to face. His feelings for Lena were not of the passionate kind. Van was sick of fervor of any sort. Who needed to have feelings so strong that they hurt you instead of making you feel good? No. That wasn't what he wanted and that wasn't what he felt. Leave the burning desire to Hitomi and Scratch.

This was something much better than passion. If passion was a sunburn you got from being reckless, this feeling he got from Lena was the healing Aloe Vera. He wouldn't cry if she never returned his feelings. He wouldn't want to be ripped apart irreparably if she died. Even in his day that sounded horrible, but it was the truth. It was a feeling that existed in the moment of being with her. He had lived without it before and could do it again, but at the same time he knew that he never had a better chance of being happy than if he spent every day of his life with Lena. Forget sex, forget love; just sitting with her, talking endlessly...that was Van's idea of heaven. Of course, he would never say these things out loud. Lena wouldn't understand them yet. She was too young. But Van just knew that she would see things the way he did, someday.

Back in the waiting room, Hitomi was awake. She jumped up as he entered the room.

"Van!" she exclaimed in delight as she scrambled over to him and eagerly unloaded him of his food and now-cold coffee. Immediately she began to rummage around until she found some sort of chocolate cake with a cream filling that seemed to suit her fancy. She opened the packing with a pop and fell on the cake like a starving wolf. Van chuckled at her and ruffled her hair playfully. Hitomi looked up, suddenly, as if she had just remembered something.

"The doctor came out a couple of minutes ago and talked to me," said Hitomi through a mouthful of crumbs.

"And? What did he say?" asked Van carefully, his tone revealing nothing. It was too hard to tell from Hitomi's voice whether the news was good or bad. He brace himself for the worse.

"The doctors are finished with Lena for now and she is resting down there," she said as she pointed to a little room at the end of the hallway. She smiled at Van encouragingly. "She said that she wanted to see you as soon as you got back."

Van looked at her for a moment, not understanding her expression. Then he realized it. Hitomi already grasped that Lena was precious to him. Her eyes seemed to be saying "Go on. You know you want to."

"Thank you," he whispered as he brushed past Hitomi. He smiled to himself as he made his way across the hall to where he would find Lena- the only girl in the world who made him happy...and the girl who was alive and well. Life was looking up.

Ð Ð Ð

Let me touch your hand 

It's then I understand 

The beauty that lurks within. 

Your everywhere to me 

And when I catch my breath it's you I breathe 

You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone 

You're in everyone I see

So tell me...do you see me?

Sit down, shut up, do what you're told, don't talk back, lose the attitude. That's all these bloody doctors and nurses had to say to Scratch all day. They had been poking him with various questionable looking, ice cold metal instruments that appeared to be more appropriate for torture than medicine. Scratch hated hospitals even more than he hated Marly.

This hellish day had begun sometime in the mid-morning when Scratch woke up with an aching body and a disturbingly clear, calm mind. It must have been sometime after eleven because the sun was already high in the sky and was streaming in through his open window.

Ignoring his body's protests which were becoming more and more insistent by the second, he climbed out of bed and pulled the blinds down with a rough jerk of his hand. His muscles were screaming but Scratch was too annoyed by the sun's bright, intrusive rays to care. All that mattered was that he had some peace...and darkness.

Who wanted to wake up to UV rays burning your retinas to little pieces of charcoal anyways? Some nurse who was probably filled to the brim with disgusting notions of maternal affection had most likely opened the window in some pathetic attempt to bring Scratch 'back to the light', or something else just as ridiculous. Stupid cow, he thought to himself rather savagely.

As he sat back down in his make shift bed, he felt something deep inside of him twist and he doubled over in agony. His chest was filled with this pain that seemed to emerge from his very core. It was a hot, bubbling, *blinding* pain. It took all of Scratch's willpower and pride to keep the tears that were threatening to come at bay.

He tried to sit up again, but that sent another wave of pain through his torso. He paused for a moment to think. He decided that no matter how much he usually *liked* pain, he wasn't going to risk feeling that again.

Instead of trying to sit up, he crawled his way across the bed ever so slowly. He moved himself so that his face was at the opposite end from the pillow and slowly, gingerly rolled himself onto his back.

He lifted up the hospital-donated shirt that he wore, disgusted by the flowery pastel patterns that were the ever present theme of the hospital- even in men's pajamas it appeared. He twisted his head around to get a closer look at the cause of his pain.

It became obvious at once what the origin of his pain was; underneath his pale, hairless skin, one of his bones was jutting out at a rather horrifying angle. It was a disgusting sight, and it contorted his body in a way that Scratch wasn't at all pleased with.

//Just great,// he thought as he pulled the shirt back down. //Precisely what I wanted for Christmas, Daddy- a broken rib,// he thought as he sneered in disgust. Of all the stupid injuries to get, this was probably the worst. It would be such an inconvenience. And he just *knew* that it hadn't been that bad when he had woken up. Something in the movement of his pulling down the blinds had probably made it worse than it had to be.

The situation was rather amusing, once Scratch looked at it properly. He felt the corners of his mouth twist up. Yesterday, he had been in a life or death situation. His father was a man with no conscience. He wouldn't have thought twice about killing Scratch and Lena--- only after he raped them of course. And today, Scratch was bitching about a petty little broken bone. As always, he managed to come off like an ungrateful wretch.

Unthankfulness...that wasn't the case at all. He was *so* grateful that he had come out of that whole incident with only a broken bone, no matter how much it hurt. And he still had his sanity-or at least he hadn't gone *more* insane. He just didn't want to ponder on the previous day He was sick and tired of being told to deal with things and Scratch just wanted to let everything go. He wanted to do the repressing thing.

But there was this little, nagging voice in his head that sounded much to much like Jan for his liking that prevented him from just burying it down. He knew, somewhere in his head that he would have to think about it eventually, and sooner was probably better than later. He would just have to make sure that he didn't lose himself in the memory of Corey.

That's all that Corey was now-a memory. He was in jail now, and could never touch Scratch again. In that way, Scratch felt more free and fearless than he had in years. But he still felt a twinge of...something when he thought of his father. The sooner he could get over Corey, the better.

He closed his eyes and with some trepidation, began to let his mind wander back in time. At first, he saw nothing. Scratch knew in his head what the sequence of events was, but he couldn't see them hi his mind's eye. That was the whole point; he needed to wade through this in his head to be rid of it for good. He just knew that there was something he needed to see that he hadn't yesterday.

Biting his lower lip, he tried again, focusing all of his energy into his task. He forced himself to reconstruct the scene when Corey had first arrived. First, he had to picture Lena's room, her compulsively tidy sleeping space. He saw himself sitting on the bed and Lena beside him. And then, swallowing his nausea, he added Corey.

The images started slowly and deliberately, but once the floodgates were opened, threre was no turning back.

The images were racing through his mind so fast it was hard to concentrate on what he was trying to find. This one sequence began to play over and over again from his position on the bed. His senses were becoming more heightened, and he could catch useless little details, but he never saw anything new in this scene.

It played over and over again, like a broken record. Scratch, sitting on the bed with Lena. The door opening to reveal Scratch's father, grinning like a maniac. Lena flying towards Corey in an attempt to protect her friend, and then away from him as he tossed her across the room like a broken doll. He turned to Scratch-and then it started all over again, each time faster and faster.

Scratch was beginning to get nauseous. The room, Corey and Lena were becoming this horrible blur. He was fed up with this. He was going to stop.

Scratch closed his mind eyes and opened his real ones. To his horror, instead of the hospital room, he was still in Lena's room. Nothing had changed. He tried again. He realized with a sinking heart that he was trapped. He was ensnared in his own mind.

He began to panic. Wasn't this what happened to people in comas? Would he be stuck here forever, seeing the same twisted things over and over again until he died? This was the worst mistake he had ever made.

Suddenly, without warning, everything stopped. He was still in Lena's room, but everything was frozen. Lena was still sitting on the bed, her mouth open in a mid-gasp. In the open door way was Corey, a perverted smile on his face, but he was like a statue, not even breathing.

Scratch looked up at the clock on the wall. Time too, apparently, had stopped.

Scratch felt a strange feeling come over him as he sat there. It was like a mental mist. He was trying so hard to think, but everything kept fogging over. He was trying to remember things, simple little things like where he was and who these people were, but every time he thought he was grasping it, it slipped away from again. In a matter of minutes, he was unsure of his own name.

He looked around the room, trying to find clues as to why he was there. His life, his likes and dislikes, the very things that defined him as a person were as blank as an unmarked page.

Then something caught his eye that he had been completely unaware of until that moment. Behind the petrified Corey was a darkness that looked too substantial to be his shadow. It was a body.

There was a limp form lying on the ground, a sinister pool of red surrounding it's head like a devil's halo. Scratch peered at it, wonderingly.

It was a girl, that much was obvious despite her deathly pale, almost unnatural features. Her black rimmed eyes were closed and her teeth were clenching down on her lower lip, the disfiguring black lipstick smearing across her face. Her skin tones were uneven, as if she had used the wrong color foundation and her mascara had run down her cheeks in liquid streams. Her black hair was messy and tangled with honey golden roots showing closer to her head. She was enchanting.

Scratch was smitten. She was beautiful, in an imperfect way. All that mattered right then was this girl, this broken doll that lay on the floor. He knew that she was important- a major part of his own identity. If he could only remember who she was, he might be able to remember himself.

He looked at her again, even more attentively, willing her to show her secrets to him. Her name had something to do with eyes. It sounded something like Tommy or Tony.

Suddenly he knew. Her name was Hitomi.

He reached his hand out towards her, whispering her name. The very moment that he uttered the last syllable, her eyes snapped open, and everything started all over again. Only it was going to be different this time. Scratch could feel it in his yet to be broken bones.

He was sitting on the bed, Lena beside him. She was giggling and saying something to him, voice was muffled and sounded very far away. He thought she was saying something about apologizing to females, but he couldn't be sure. He opened his mouth to ask if she would repeat what she had said, but what came out was totally different.

"I swear," he said, his own voice sounding very distant and strained, " that I don't know how it happened. Watch out, it may be contagious." Lena started giggling again, but Scratch stopped paying attention. He realized that the reason he couldn't hear her properly was because he could hear everything that was going on *outside* in the hall with perfect clarity.

Scratch's mind was reeling. How was this possible? There were four voices that he could hear. Bella, Hitomi, Lily and Corey. Chatter, giggles, yelling and a bellow. Footsteps- someone was running...no! It was two people, running towards Lena's room.. Now they were just outside the door. The door handle was beginning to turn with a click. Scratch's heart leapt into his throat. Why hadn't Lena noticed the door? All the pain and degradation all over again. Scratch had been able to look nonchalant in the face of Corey's abuse the first time, but he knew he would crack if forced to live through it again. Why was Lena chattering on like this?!

But the door didn't open. Instead there was a shrill scream; a feminine one. It was Hitomi, Scratch realized with a jolt, out there with Corey. Scratch tried to move to get up. If Corey laid one finger on her...

His thought never finished. A terrible thud and a howl of pain distracted him. Before he had time to react, the door had banged open, but Scratch didn't care. He barely even noticed Corey leering at him. All he could see was Hitomi's lifeless body on the floor, her head twisted at a horrible angle from her body. There were tears, but her body was still.

Scratch felt a rage build up inside of him like he had never felt. He felt his blood boil as he looked at her, broken on the floor.

His attention was snapped back to the present as Lena was flung against the wall with a resounding crack. Without initiating it, his body began to move, almost as if by it's own volition. Scratch's mind barely even registered as he began to tear at Corey's face.

The face was gone, replaced by blackness. Scratch knew, logically, that he should be in a tremendous amount of pain, but he wasn't. He barely even winced as he heard, rather than felt his rib break. He remembered that this was when he had lost consciousness the first time. Everything was black and cold, yet he was aware of his surroundings. He could still hear things.

There was a primal scream of rage and the sound of a scuffle. Corey, swearing and yelling furiously. A shot, a howl of pain. Then it was silence. An unearthly deadly silence.

The panic that had gripped Scratch was beginning to wear off. He could now feel his *very* sore rib, and the rest of his body wasn't in such great shape either. Any minute now, the ambulance should arrive and cart them away to the hospital, where Scratch *should* have been, but wasn't.

Maybe, if he could feel, he could also move his body. Testing the theory, he opened his eyes. He gasped at what he saw and bolted upward, only to twist his rib even more. He was back in the room. It hadn't been real? Scratch was so confused. One moment he was in the hospital, the next he saw Corey. Which was real?

Looking around the room, Scratch came to the conclusion that he could feel- boy, could he feel-and everything, time, sounds, *everything* seemed to be functioning normally. *This* was reality. He sighed in relief. The nightmare was over.

Looking up at the ceiling, Scratch mulled over what he had just seen. He had proof, in only in his head, that Hitomi cared. She had tried to stop that beast Corey. She had tried. even after the fight they had been in. He smiled to himself. Now all he needed to do was get out of this room without a nurse seeing him. Then he could find Hitomi.

Ð Ð Ð

And you've got everything you need 

Ready to open up and bleed 

Reading for the magazines, reading all the books 

Buy the pretty diamonds and have the dirty looks

If you want a fire baby, that's what you will, 

Don't say I didn't warn 

You wanna fall in love Crashing high 

-The 69 Eyes

Excitedly, Scratch grasped the door handle and twisted it in towards him rather sharply, pulling in a rather startled looking nurse from outside of the room. She had also had her hand on the door, as she had been coming in to check on the patient.

Katherine, the nurse, hated patients more than anything else. It was not because she was a horrible person, but she just hated being a nurse. Everyday she prayed that something would happen to make her never have to work in this hospital ever again. And everyday, she got up and put on this annoying blue scrub shirt and tried her best to put an insincere smile on her face so her boss wouldn't yell at her again.

Why didn't she just quit? No one else understood that she couldn't quit, no matter how much she wanted to. She was too poor. She had always been poor. Her father had never worked for long, his temper getting the better of him in the work place, resulting in him getting fired as often as mice give birth. Her mother had a couple of low paying jobs, but she had had two children to look after. There had never been much money for clothes, let alone an education. The only thing that her family could afford for her, the oldest child, was a nursing program.

Now Katherine was a mother, with two little children of her own. And she was more broke than ever. She lived in a cruddy little apartment in a part of town where she didn't even feel safe, and she could barely afford the daycare she had to send her children to everyday. And as for their father, well, god knew where he was. He had run off, just a year ago, right after the birth of their second child.

She narrowed her eyes at Scratch, who was standing, looking slightly at a loss. Instantly, she hated him. He thought he was messed in the head, huh? He was just a stupid little rich boy who was too immature to go to a regular school. He wanted something that would cause a stir, something dramatic. So he had probably kicked up a fuss and gotten Daddy Richest to send him to that blasted waste of money, Albrecht Durer.

She began to walk towards Scratch menacingly. Instantly interpreting the sudden appearance of brown in her aura as hostility, he straightened up and glared at her, his gaze equally icy.

"What are you doing out of bed?" she snapped. Spoiled rich brat, she thought to herself.

Scratch grinned at her, his face perfectly capturing that of a madman. "I'll go back to bed if you go with me," he said saucily.

Katherine was boiling over with rage. That little rich shit thought that he was better and smarter than her! She scowled and said, "I was told that you have a quick tongue and-

"And you wanted to have a first hand go with it?" he cut in, his eyes gleaming with triumph at the nurse's red face, with either anger or embarrassment. Both were just as good.

"And that I would have to be severe with you," she continued, making it up as she went along. "You, young man, have at least two fractured bones in your body. Just what do you think you are doing out of bed without permission?"

Scratch knew that this was a rhetorical question. Instead of answering it, he grinned and said, "I didn't know you were the dominant type." he looked at her name tag, "Katherine. That's perfect, because wouldn't you know it, I just love to dominated." The look on her face was priceless. He just smirked, but he left like outright gloating. She was biting her lower lip so hard it was almost bleeding, and her beady little eyes perfectly displayed the hatred she felt for him.

She stood looking at him for a moment or two, trying to resist the very strong urge to hit him. Finally she motioned for him to come towards her. He didn't move.

"Come on then," she said to him, motioning again. He remained as stiff as a statue. He didn't trust her.

Exasperated, she put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "Look here, young man," she growled-Scratch didn't know women *could* growl-"You are coming with me. Now that you're up and about, the doctors have to take a look at you.

"What a treat for them," he sneered, but now knowing the intentions, he cooperated. Scratch figured that if he played along for now, it might pay off later. He had no clue how it could though.

Katherine led him down the hall and into a small, rather bare room. She opened a small cupboard and produced a very thin, light blue hospital gown. She held it out to him but Scratch didn't take it. He stared at her defiantly for several moments, but her obvious hatred towards him made him falter. He finally backed down and took the gown, albeit reluctantly.

Seeing that she had won this small battle, Katherine allowed herself a small smirk of triumph before leaving the room.

Scratch pulled off the hideous top and pants, only to realize, with more than a little chagrin at his own obliviousness, that the hospital had robbed him of his boxers. It made Scratch's skin crawl to think about how many other people had put their diseased, *naked* bodies into these very same pajamas that he had been wearing up until a moment ago. He was glad to be rid of them. They were such ugly things and didn't suit my complexion at all, the thought to himself as he pulled on the other gown and reached behind him to tie the back of the gown together.

Suddenly his eyes widened in horror. How he longed to be allowed to wear those hideous yellow and pink flowery, dirty pajamas now! *Anything was better that what the demon of a nurse had given him to wear: she had presented him with an open backed gown. *Completely* open. No strings to tie, no buttons or Velcro, just fabric hanging wide open. Scratch felt and intense hate form inside of him. The bitch wanted to humiliate him? Fine. This was war.

The majority of people would not have understood Scratch's fear of open backed gowns. Sure, if you were "sub-normal" it might be embarrassing, or if you were deformed in any way, it would seem like a trial, but Scratch was neither of these. In fact, Scratch was quite proud of his looks, even if his body was, well, a little cut up. He was by no means shy about his figure.

Instead, it was because he was in a hospital. They would be able to tell that he cut himself the minute they got a look at his thighs. They as in the doctors. Actually, it would probably be obvious to anyone *but* doctors that he cut himself from any part of his body, save his face. But doctors were extremely good at buying people's excuses, however lame, for the markings on their bodies. But once you got past the arms and lower legs, and closer to the stomach and groin, the more difficult it was to make legitimate excuses. Even doctors didn't buy them anymore, and there was no chance they would with Scratch. Instead of mere lines, he had words or pictures on his torso and thighs. No accident could ever do that.

Damn, damn, damn! He thought to himself. The general population of North America could not possibly perceive why the thought of hospital doctors knowing that he cut was one of the worst things that Scratch could imagine. Especially since he *lived* in a hospital and had for several years.

But any experienced self injurer knows that hospitals view cutting as a pathetic suicide attempt-a coward's job of trying to off oneself. And whereas suicidals are given support and comfort, SI's were treated like shit. Scratch wasn't the only one who had been to a hospital where they stitched you up without any anesthetic, or even stapled the skin together, just because you made the cut yourself.

Scratch still harbored anger and resentment towards many a hospital for causing him unnecessary pain. He could practically feel the needle and thread in his skin as he stood there, glaring straight ahead of him.

A plan began to form in his mind. He could not let those doctors see his body. Or that killjoy of a nurse, Katherine. God forbid he let *them* mend his broken rib after seeing these marks! No. When that little pill of cyanide disguised as a human walked through that door, Scratch would make a dash for it.

Almost as soon as he had settled on a plan of action, the door handle began to turn. He grabbed the pajama bottoms off the shelf and made his move. Instead of waiting for her to open the door, he caught her by surprise. He launched himself at the door, which flew open, sending Katherine to the ground.

Katherine screamed in rage as he began to bolt down the hall, the backs of his gown flapping comically in the breeze. Several doctors tried to restrain him, but Scratch clawed his way through them. He paused only once to slip on the pajama bottoms before taking off again down the hall, his bare feet pounding on the floor. All of his thoughts were on getting away as he looked behind him to check that there was no one about to restrain him. He turned around just before crashing into a person in front of him, sending them both toppling to the ground. He hadn't even had time to register that someone was there before he was face down on top of someone.

Scratch opened his eyes to find a pair of wide green rather bewildered irises staring back at him only a few inches away from his own. Scratch had run right into.Hitomi.

Ð Ð Ð

There's no need to argue anymore

I gave all I could but you left me so sore 

And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had 

Will I forget in time? 

You said I was on your mind 

There's no need to argue anymore. 

-the Cranberries

He couldn't believe his eyes. He blinked a few times as if to clear his head, but she was still lying there beneath him. Hitomi.

He pushed himself off of her and stood up. She was looking at his offered hand warily for a moment before accepting it. He pulled Hitomi to her feet and he felt a shiver of excitement run through him at being so close to her again.

Her hair was still black, much to his chagrin. It was wet-probably just been washed-and pulled back into a careless, almost lopsided ponytail. But at least the makeup was gone. Her clear, pale skin was no longer marred by the jarring black makeup. The bruises on her face-which were only now becoming apparent to Scratch-did little to compliment her features either. But those would fade in a few days.

Other than those tender looking bruises and a bandage wrapped around her head, she appeared to be without injury. Unless you counted having been forced to wear pajamas that looked disgustingly similar to his own.

Hitomi opened her mouth as if to say something, but the words never made it past her lips. Instead, the infuriated cries of Katherine and a few other doctors who were barreling their way towards them was what filled the room.

Scratch snapped back to his senses. He grabbed Hitomi's hand and dragged her down another hall. His eyes rapidly scanned the corridor for a suitable hiding place. An open janitorial closet seemed as good as anything, so he leapt in amongst the buckets and bottles of cleaning products, pulling Hitomi in after him. He shut the door quickly and twisted the knob at an angle. A satisfying click was heard as the lock slid into place.

There was a great clamor on the other side of the door as Katherine banged her fist against the strong metal, screaming for them to come out immediately.

"Get out here, you pathetic excuse for a sack of shit!" she shrieked. Hitomi began to giggle madly, and Scratch, catching her eye, found it impossible to keep from chuckling at the enraged woman less than a foot away from them.

It was only when Katherine's voice faded and she began to stomp down the hall that their laughter subsided. Katherine had been comic relief, if nothing else, and nothing cleared the air better than humor.

Upon closer inspection, the little closet was not as cramped as it seemed. With a little tidying up, it could have been quite roomy.

Hitomi took one of the buckets and tipped it upside down. She proceeded to, with an extreme lack of grace, plonk herself down on the plastic stool she had just created. Scratch didn't want to just stand around for god knows how long, so he grabbed the metal one beside him and followed suit.

While Scratch did this, Hitomi appraised the little closet's insides. It was about two and a half square meters and was filled so many bottles and gloves and sponges you could lose a person in them. Not only that, but they were so covered in dust that it looked like they had never been used for cleaning. There was that little dangling light bulb above them that flickered every few seconds. It cast a yellowish orange glow on the cramped room, making it seem only marginally warmer than it actually was.

Hitomi knew in her head that this was her chance to make up with Scratch. Who cared about petty little fights started by other people? Obviously he didn't anymore either. He seemed too cheerful to still be holding a grudge.

She ought to say something. Anything at all. Something about how she missed him. How scared she had been, how much she cared. But what if he *was* still angry with her? Or even worse, what if he knew that it was her fault that Corey found Scratch so fast, when he hadn't had any warning or anything to prepare him?

A wave of guilt passed through her as she thought of it. She looked up at Scratch, who, to her surprise was looking at her intently. They stared at each other for several moments.

Scratch broke his gaze first. He was uncomfortable with the situation. Hitomi was just sitting there, looking at him, expecting him to speak, to make the first move.

He wanted to, but he didn't know what to say to her to make Hitomi forgive him for his atrocious behavior.

There was an awkward moment of silence, neither parties willing to make the first move. Finally Scratch, or rather, Scratch's *nerves* had enough and couldn't stand it a moment longer.

What he wanted to do was apologize. He wanted to say that he was sorry that he had ever fought with her and would she please forgive him? That wasn't what came out though.

Almost against his will, he heard himself say with utter clarity, and even a little bit of resentment, "Why did you help me fight Corey? I didn't need your help."

Oh gawd. He really fucked up this time. He sighed in exasperation. He wanted to say something. Something with flowery words that would make her forget that he had ever said that. But the words were already out there and by the look on Hitomi's face, she wasn't going to let them slide, either.

Hitomi felt herself boil over with rage. How dare he ask such a question? She had risked her life trying to save him, and all he could think about was that his manly pride had been damaged by the thought of a woman fighting to protect him. What a selfish, petty, arrogant bastard!

She was prepared to say all this and more, in angry, hushed tones, but something in his face stopped her. His eyes held a pleading look. He was asking her to understand, to see past his words. He was asking her to understand the double meaning behind the question.

He was asking her for an affirmation that if he opened himself up to Hitomi, he wouldn't be pushed away.

Hitomi felt all of the rage suddenly deflate. It left only an understanding of his needs, and it felt so good to finally understand something about the enigma known as Scratch.

A small smile appeared on Hitomi's face. "Why do *you* think I helped you?" she asked him. "I don't know, snapped Scratch. "If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you then, would I?"

Despite his harsh tone, it was almost cute how little he understood himself, let alone what she was trying to say to him. Hitomi decided to take a chance and take the direct route. She would be as blatant as possible.

She leant forward and took Scratch's hands in hers. His pale skin was cold, and she felt him shiver, either with cold or excitement. She smiled.

"Read my lips, Scratch. I. Did. It. Because. I. Care. I care about you Scratch." There was a pause as he processed this information. She hadn't said that she loved him, and that hurt. Every second that he was with her he felt himself falling harder and faster, and Scratch was very aware of the fact that he might already love her. But on the other hand, because she didn't love him, she portrayed how she felt without lying. Scratch would rather wait to hear her say the words when she was ready and not have to question the truth behind them.

With a glint in his eye and smirk on his face he said, "I'd rather kiss them."

He left her no time to refuse as he closed the distance between them, crushing his lips against hers. Hitomi had never been kissed like that before. He kissed her with unger, tenderness, and above all, passion.

Hitomi felt she might drown in this kiss. A soft moan escaped her lips as her hand found the light switch on the wall, and flicked her fingers, plunging them into darkness.

Ð Ð Ð


	3. Part 3

My scream got lost in a paper cup 

I think there's a heaven where some screams have gone 

I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough 

To get us there? 

Well I love the way we communicate 

You eyes focus on my funny lip shape 

Let's here what you think of me now but baby don't look up--The sky is falling 

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress 

And it's your turn to stand where I stand 

Everybody looking at you, here take hold of my hand.

-Tori Amos

Jenni stood in front of the desk, trying desperately not to bite her nails, chew on her hair or any other such childish habit that would attract negative attention towards herself. She was consciously aware of the guard's rather scornful eyes upon her at all times.

Jenni had never been in a prison before, and therefore knew nothing of how this one compared. But she hated it none the less. She thought back to the horrible moment when the bus first pulled up in front of the insufferable building less that a half hour ago.

Something akin to a chill spread through her body as she laid her eyes on it for the first time. Like an icy hand had gripped her heart and twisted it around in her chest.

It was a cold looking building with it's walls made out of large stone chunks. It gave the feeling of a building that had seen much cruelty, and was harder for it. Any unspeakable horror could lie behind those treacherous looking stones. Immediately the image of a room, cold and white with a chair in the center of it, with straps and wires attatched to it filled Jenni's head.

Eager to be rid of these thoughts, she jumped off the bus, trying leave her negative attitude behind. It didn't work. The moment she saw the big letters that adorned the otherwise empty building she gasped in horror. In bold black letters the word DOOM stood before her. She whipped around just as the bus began to pull away.

Slowly, fearfully, she turned back around and looked at the letters once more. By this time, Jenni had a bit of reign on her overly active imagination, and all she saw when the words came into focus was "Doonsfield Prison" above the door. Jenni knew in her head that they had never, and never would say "doom", but she couldn't shake this feeling of apprehension that filled her.

She stopped for a moment and just looked at it. The building was immense. There were windows on what appeared to be every floor, indicated that there were six levels to the building. And just like in all of the stories, there were iron bars that blocked the windows. It stirred a deep contempt to see this.

The sky was grey and it looked rather like it was going to rain. "Just perfect," she thought to herself bitterly. "Pathetic fallacy. One more thing that should only exist in fiction."

The grass- if it could be called that- that surrounded the place was dead and dry. It crunched under Jenni's feet as she stepped on it. There were no trees and no flowers. It seemed that everything inside of those gigantic barbed wire fences was a vacuum- entirely devoid of life.

Wishing to avoid looking at those horrible black letters any longer- she felt instinctively that if she checked again, they would once more say "doom" in that formidable fashion- Jenni forced her feet to move as quickly as possible without outright running.

Only the glass door stood as her barrier now. Jenni swallowed a nonexistent lump in her throat, gathered her wits and she pushed at the door handle.

The door slid open with an unexpected ease. She composed her face into a mask of confidence and sophistication- but she knew that it could not last. Then, with her back straight, eyes hard, she approached the desk in front of her and coughed surreptitiously.

The man sitting behind the table looked up at her in an almost saucy manner from beneath those huge, dark, bushy eyebrows, questioningly.

"I would like to see one of the inmates, please," said Jenni, trying her best to sound like she actually knew what she was doing. The man straightened up in his seat and peered at her in a curious fashion for a moment or two, and then said, "I've never seen you around here before. I would know. I *always* remember a face." Jenni didn't know how to reply to something like that, but apparently, she wasn't required to, for after a very short pause the man continued.

"Well, are you here to see a lifer or a temporary?" he asked nonchalantly. "A-a what?" asked Jenni, bewildered. The man sniffed scornfully. "Are you here to see some poor bugger who will never see past these walls-a lifer-or a temporary with a time sentence?" he asked, obviously condescending.

"N-neither," she stammered, trying desperately to collect herself. "What I mean is, I want to see a man being kept here who has just been arrested. He hasn't even been to court yet. His name is Dune de Fanel." The massive eyebrows shifted to the center of the wide forehead.

"Indeed?" he said. "Well, you'll have to wait here then. I'll arrange it." He disappeared around the corner before she even had a chance to thank him. And that brought her to where she stood now, waiting anxiously for the man's return.

Ð Ð Ð

The hallways and rooms of the prison had been a complete blur to Jenni, despite her best attempts to take note of her surroundings. Everything just faded into this nasty grey that never ended. They had probably designed it to be confusing.

They had showed her to a booth, a small cramped one- completely made of metal. There was one wall that the metal stopped half way up, and there was a little ledge to rest your arms on or something. Above that was a barrier of plexi glass and dead center, right about nose height was a small, circular mouth peace to talk through. There was a chair on either side of the wall, and the man motioned for Jenni to sit down. "Wait here," he said in a gruff voice and closed the door behind him.

Impatiently, Jenni's fingers tapped on the ledge. She was nervous- her pulse was racing. Her palms were beginning to sweat. Self-consciously she wiped them on her skirt.

Half of her screamed that she *needed* to see Dune, and the other half feared to.

They were friends. Ever since he had begun to work with Jan at AD, he had come into the diner twice, maybe three times a week. They had begun to talk after a while. Usually over a cup of that coffee that Dune couldn't get enough of.

At first, she had found Dune to be quite dull, and vice versa. They were at total different ends of the personality spectrum. He was serious, brooding and had a highly scientific mind. Jenni on the other hand, could barely stomach anything that had to do with equations, loved to have fun and was always looking for a laugh. And above all, she could never find enough outlets for her creativity. One would think that they would have hated each other at first sight. But there was some little part of her conscience that told her to hold off on making judgment on him. She was *sure* that there had to be more to him that the stoic exterior.

And she was right. Eventually they were able to find common ground, little things that they had in common, and she was even beginning to find the things that he liked interesting, just through talking with him. He had incredible passion whenever he spoke, and it captured her. Everything was perfect in their friendship until one evening a couple of weeks back, just after he left the diner, a revelation hit her and it completely rocked her world.

She realized that she was *attracted* to Dune. Of course, she knew to hide it. She had been in enough bad relationships to know to stay well away from anything that even hinted at romance. Nevertheless...she could not shake herself of these feelings. Everyday she grew only more attached to him. Dependant on his company almost. And now...he was in jail, soon to be on trial for manslaughter.

She didn't know whether she was more upset and scared that he might be found guilty or horrified and enraged at his crime. She was ashamed that she could even doubt his innocence, but she did. But she needed to see him. And so...she waited.

Ð Ð Ð


	4. IMPORTANT

Author's Note  
  
Dementia was my baby. I loved it and it took over my life. But I have moved onto a different place in my life, where I still love it, but no longer have enough time to feed the hungry demon that it was inside my mind. I hate to put it to rest. But I think I have to.  
  
Unless.  
  
Unless there are others out there, who have read the story and loved it, who are interested in helping me bring it back to life. As a co-author. Then Dementia will be revived and completed. I know it has been a long time coming for me to say this. So I'm saying it now.  
  
Will anyone help? Or shall I write a parting goodbye to my baby? Let me know. 


End file.
